By Benjamin Deu, MA, LMHC, Seattle Christian Counseling

References “Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, Second Edition: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process” by Nancy McWilliams

Most people have a pretty terrible understanding of obsessive-compulsion. You say the acronym O.C.D. and people imagine someone frantically washing their hands of dirt that’s not there. It’s much more nuanced than that.

OCD definitions

And some people demonstrate only one symptom, but many demonstrate both. Common examples of obsession are workaholics and people with “Type A” personalities. People who may be considered “stereotypical” compulsive sufferers (people who repeat actions a specific number of times, etc) are almost always aware their actions are irrational; they just can’t help doing them.

 OCD examples

 Obsession

“[Obsessives] are self-reliant and conscientious… They look constantly for ways to help people listen better, resolve conflict, and find win-win opportunities. They buy self-improvement books… and they like to focus on continuous improvement at work because it fits in with their sense of moral improvement.” (Michael Maccoby)

While obsessive and compulsive behavior often work together, that’s not always the case. Some people who tend to be active thinkers– philosophy professors often fit this criteria– may be obsessive but not compulsive. Their behavior isn’t like typical daydreaming. They spend a lot of time considering contentious issues and pitting ideas against one another. Look at ancient philosophers. They spent all day, every day thinking about and commenting on near-unanswerable questions. Most people don’t do that.

However, unlike compulsive people, obsessive people feel no need to act upon what they’re thinking. (290) Their personality is characterized by persistent, unwanted thoughts. People with obsessive character structures have been described as obstinate, orderly, punctual, meticulous, frugal, inflexible, inclined to intellectualism and hair-splitting discussion, and persistent even in the face of insurmountable obstacles. Does any of this sound familiar? “They are generally dependable and reliable and have high standards and ethical values.” (291) They’re driven by an internal, often unattainable, standard of excellence.

Because they can’t live up to their own standards, people with obsession struggle with shame. They usually try to cope with it by boxing up their unwanted thoughts through rationalization, moralization, compartmentalization, and intellectualization. Because emotions make them feel inadequate, they often combat them with anger. They may displace anger from its original source and focus it on a “legitimate” target so they don’t have to feel ashamed about getting upset. (293) Because they fend off or cover up their emotions, people with obsession have trouble dealing with or expressing them in a healthy way.

But you can’t approach everything with cool logic. For those who have seen the new Star Trek movie, you’ll remember when Spock tries to be a good, emotionless, logical Vulcan and ignore how he feels after watching his mother die and his planet implode. He represses his feelings and, instead, focuses on his duties as acting captain. But he wouldn’t even be able to run a lemonade stand well after that kind of trauma. And the movie shows the consequences of him trying to.

 I Just Can’t Decide

Not only do people with obsession struggle to express emotions, they also often struggle to make decisions. Their fear of failure paralyzes them between options. They vacillate between both, running through every possibility, and inevitably refusing to choose because they don’t want to incur the shame of making the wrong choice. McWilliams gave the example of a pregnant patient who lined up two obstetricians with opposing viewpoints and dragged out her decision-making for so long she eventually went into labor and had to be taken to the nearest hospital and attended by whichever resident was on duty.

 Compulsion

People with compulsion also avoid the shame of making decisions, but do so by avoiding debating altogether and instead rush headlong into an option. One example may be hopping into bed with people any time a situation becomes sexually charged. Unlike people with obsessive behavior, strictly compulsive people do not mull things over incessantly. They prefer hands-on activities (such as craftwork) that don’t require them to think much. And what characterizes the actions as “compulsive” is not that they’re harmful or helpful, it’s that they’re irresistible. “Florence Nightingale was probably compulsively helpful; Jon Stewart may be compulsively funny. People rarely come to treatment for their compulsivity if it works on their behalf, but they do come with related problems.” (295)

However, compulsive people are not the only ones who perform rituals they know have no legitimate influence on the outcome of something. Just about everyone has been compulsive at some point– pre-game rituals for athletes, knocking wood when someone says something optimistic, or putting “just one more” quarter into a slot machine. (301) The basic motivation behind the behavior is to keep something bad from happening (“undoing”), such as a woman with a compulsive personality who feels compelled to tap her door handle three times before getting in the car to avoid a wreck.

 Why Do You See Them Together?

While obsession and compulsion do not always occur together, it is common because the actions are often an attempt to deal with the thoughts. It’s a struggle for control. Sufferers try to “control” their unwanted thoughts by doing things that are supposed to prove them wrong and make them go away. You can see real-life examples of this on A&E’s “Obsessed” which is available instant on Netflix. It documents the struggles of people trying to get help for their OCD. One episode focuses on Karen who, after years in an abusive relationship, is terrified of death. The anxiety created by spending years afraid her partner might harm her have mutated into a constant, all-consuming terror. She’s convinced someone will jump out of the shadows and kill her, another driver will careen out of control and hit her car, or (because she lives in California) an earthquake will swallow her. She repeatedly checks closets in her apartment and under her bed, certain someone has gotten in since she last checked. She knows it’s extremely unlikely someone has snuck in, but her fears are too strong to be conquered with logic. She has no choice but to act.

 Christian Counseling for Obsessive or Compulsive Behavior

People with OCD do not have to live this way. And please don’t despair; thinking your thought life is a sign of weak faith. Yes, scripture repeatedly exhorts believers not to worry and to trust the Lord, but people with OCD have a medical condition that goes beyond ordinary nerves. Still, God would not have inspired verses such as Matt. 6:27, 31 and Phil 4:6 if he wanted you to live in fear.

If any of this article sounds familiar, whether to you or someone you know, don’t struggle alone. Get in touch with a professional Christian counselor who can help. They assist people struggling with OCD by digging down to the root of what causes the overwhelming thoughts and helping sufferers learn to manage them. They’ll use research-based treatment and the hope of God’s healing power to lift the oppression of unwanted thoughts and compulsions to help you find freedom from fear. The Lord can give you rest. (Matt. 11:28)

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There is no betrayal like the betrayal of a spouse choosing emotional or physical fulfillment outside of the marriage. When this happens, how can a Christian marriage recover from an affair? How does one forgive and move forward? Is there any hope?

When both – the spouse at fault and the one hurt – are willing to be open, honest, and work though the betrayal in order to make things work, then there is always hope. The process will not be easy. True repentance with the right counseling and with some practical tools put in place, will lead to a marriage that has the potential to become closer and stronger than it was before the affair took place.

Ask For Forgiveness

It is obvious that the spouse at fault must ask for forgiveness from their husband/wife. However, often times there are other people hurt in the process. Children, grandchildren, immediate and extended family, coworkers, or close friends. One of the hardest things to do is admitting our fault to other people. There is nothing more humbling than having to ask for forgiveness from those we have hurt because of a selfish choice taken without regards to how it would affect others.

Seek Counseling

Recovering from an affair is extremely difficult for all those involved. It is important to seek counseling from a pastor, or a trained Christian counselor. There are times when it is necessary to have someone else “walk” with us through the tough things in life. This is one of those times. It is important to have someone to mediate when necessary, to direct conversations, and to ask questions. It is enlightening to have an outside voice looking into the marriage and bring to light what contributed to the breach. And it is crucial to have someone help set up some practical guidelines and steps in order to protect the marriage for the future.

Sharing Hurts Honestly

There are many layers and levels of hurt, and betrayal touches the emotional, spiritual, cognitive, and physical parts of a person. There is no insignificant hurt or thought. Examining each layer is important to understand the depth of pain caused by the affair and share the hurts. Another aspect to consider in an affair is that sometimes, it is possible for the spouse at fault has hurts too regarding the marriage. There are no excuses for cheating, but it is possible that the marriage was struggling before hand, and those hurts need to be shared openly, and honestly.

Listening and Admitting to Personal Wrongs

One of the hardest things to do is to listen and admit to our personal wrongs. It is especially difficult to listen to our wrongs without trying to talk back and justify our behaviors. This is not the time to do that. This is the time to listen and to acknowledge that your actions have hurt someone else deeply.

Identify Negative Patterns in the Relationship

Before the affair took place, most likely there were negative patterns in the relationship. Identifying what was causing conflict in the marriage is important in order to bring change. Often times, marriages simply survive, rather than thrive. It is good to identify negative patterns in the relationship, especially with the help of a pastor or counselor. For example, not spending enough time together, spending too much time in social media, connecting to other people and not face-to-face with your spouse, not talking about hopes and dreams, but rather have conversations centered around children, etc. This is the part of the process towards reconciliation where a couple identifies what needs to change.

Agree to Establish Healthy Patterns in the Relationship

Once you identify the negative patterns in the relationship, it is time to establish healthy ones. This is where you ask, “What needs to happen in order to make things change?”

Establish Intentional Time Together (date night, face-time, and couch time)

For a marriage to succeed, and to heal from an affair, it is important for a couple to have intentional time together. There are simple things a couple can do, like established date-night. Having face-time a couple of times a week, where a couple can talk about hopes, dreams, fears, new information, and reconnect. Having “couch-time” daily interactions where there is connection between husband and wife and a time that children know is “only for mom and dad.” When children know about the affair, it is important for them to see mom and dad spent time together at home, talking, and hopefully as time goes by, there will be laughter.

Establish Accountability

Crucial to the recovery process is to find a trusted friend, or a pastor, for accountability. And not just accountability about the affair, but accountability about following the tools set in place in order to help the marriage. It is good to know someone will ask you, “When are you taking your wife on a date?” or, “Did you have face-to-face time this week?”

Forgive, and be Willing to Move On

Bringing up the wrong again and again is not helpful. Once a spouse shared the hurt, and forgiveness has taken place, it is important to focus on the positive, rather than the negative. There might be new feelings that come to the surface, then shared and worked through. However, using the affair as a means to shame or coerce is not healthy for the relationship.

Understand that Grieving Takes a While

Grieving is not over the moment a spouse forgives. There is no timeline to grief. What might take someone a week to recover from, might take another a few months, yet another some years. Understand that at times, things will be hard, and there might be some hiccups, but keep moving forward, working on making the marriage strong.

Abide by the Covenant of Marriage

Lastly, remember that outside from God’s covenant with men, the only other covenant we have on earth is with our spouse. It is not a contract that can be changed, or cancelled, but a covenant. It is not about being “stuck” in a relationship, but rather thriving in it. Invest time, energy, and yes, even finances in your marriage (have a romantic getaway without children). Marriages do not simply “succeed” or “fail.” Rather, we either invest on them, or we don’t. If you need help to recover from an affair, then it is time to begin investing in your marriage and making that a priority.

By seeking Christian marriage counseling early on in the healing process, you will save yourself from more hurt and heartache from unresolved conflict. Living the “art” of marriage means we enter into a living parable describing our Lord’s relationship with His church. Therefore, while marriage can be difficult, it is still worth our time, our effort, and our desire.

Erik Mildes, MA, LMHC, Clinical Supervisor

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 Principle Seven from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver

“Tips and strategies” adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s book

If a nickname is a present a friend gives another friend*, then inside jokes are the glue they occasionally daub on the relationship to keep it secure. People in relationships need something that draws them together. Otherwise, they’ll eventually loose motivation to maintain the relationship and drift apart. Dr. John Gottman calls this a need to “create shared meaning” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”

 What Do You and Your Spouse Have in Common?

Sometimes you look at couples and just scratch your head over why they got together. They may just seem to have nothing in common, or come from completely different backgrounds. But, somehow, that works for them. Gottman argues you don’t have to be twins; so much as you need to create a marital culture that unites you both. “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together– a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” (244)

After all, God designed marriage for two people to come together to form “one flesh.” As some marriage counselors have described it, you are to “leave, cleave, and weave.” You leave behind your life of individualism, form a union you must put before your own needs, and eventually meld with your spouse to form a partnership. It’s kind of like doubles tennis. There are two people responsible for covering “their” part of the court, but they’re always mindful of what their partner is doing. Only one player can respond to each shot, but they work together to make sure they respond appropriately.

You and your spouse should have activities, values, or dreams that are intrinsic to your relationship. Something that brings you together. But as you learned in the last few principles, just because you have a few things you don’t see eye-to-eye about doesn’t mean your relationship can’t work. It’s just a matter of bridging the differences. (244-245)

 Finding Common Ground

The best way to understand where you and your partner stand on certain issues is to talk about them. Gottman offers a list of questions for couples to mull over during future fireside chats. You’re not supposed to answer all of them at once, rather “consider them starting-off points for many future discussions.” (250)

 Tips and Strategies

Rituals: (252)

While the New Covenant does away with many of the Old Testament rituals, it doesn’t do away altogether with ceremonies. In Luke 7, we see the guilty woman washing Jesus’ feet with her tears and hair out of gratitude for his forgiveness. It wasn’t enough for her to just say, “Thank you,” she needed something sacred to symbolize the strength of her emotion. In John 13, during the final meal before Passover (another ritual) Christ shared with his disciples before going to the cross, he marked the meal by washing each of the men’s feet. He used the ceremony to teach them the importance of sacrificing our pride to serve others. Every new Christian who is able is supposed to be baptized as a symbol of their commitment to the Lord.

The rituals in the New Testament show us the importance of ceremonies for showing others how we feel about them, educating, and marking special occasions.

• What should dinnertime look like for us? Should we all eat together? What significance does it have for each of us? How did our families do dinner while we were growing up?

• How do we want to say goodbye to each other every morning? What did this look like in our families growing up? What should we do when we see each other again?

• What about bedtime?

• What do we like do during weekends? What did our families usually do?

• Which holidays are important to each of us? How did our families celebrate them? How would we like to celebrate them?

• How does each of us relax and recharge our batteries?

 Roles: (255)

As the biblical role of men and women in church, society, and marriage changes depending on who you ask, it’s important you and your spouse let each other know what you believe. Does the husband have final say on every decision? Who will stay home if you have children? Ideally, you should have hammered this all out before you tied the knot, but it never hurts to remind each other where you stand.

• What do you think is your role as husband or wife? What does it mean to you? What do/did you parents’ roles look like? Would you change anything about your role?

• What do you think about your role as father or mother? What does it mean to you? How did your parents carry out their roles? Would you change anything about your role?

• How do you feel about your role as a son or daughter? What does it mean to you? What do your parents expect from your role? Would you change it?

• How do you feel about your role at your job? What does it mean to you? Would you change anything about it?

• What do you think about your role as a friend? What does it mean to you? Would you change anything about it?

• How do you feel about your role as a member of your community? What does it mean to you? Would you change anything about it?

• “How do you balance these roles in your life?”

 Goals: (256-257)

We all want something out of life, whether it’s just a snack or to climb Mt. Everest. Some of our goals are practical– such as finding a snack, whereas, some are spiritual, such as helping underprivileged children in your community. Sometimes it feels scary or awkward to say these goals out loud where others can hear, and possibly ridicule them. But sharing dreams deepens intimacy between spouses.

It can be hard trying to figure out where God wants you to go in life. Should you do a long-term mission trip? Should you join a ministry at church? By telling each other what you hope for your life, you can help each other figure out how you can achieve your dreams and how they might mesh with what God might want for your life.

• Write a “mission statement.” Next, write your obituary. What do they say about you?

• What are your goals for yourself, your spouse, and your children? What would you like to achieve in the next five years? How about 10?

• What is one thing you must check off your bucket list?

• While there are certain ordinary necessities you can’t ignore, what are some significant things in your life that are “great sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?”

• How does spirituality play a role in your lives? What did it look like in your families? What would you like it to look like in your family?

 Christian Counseling for Complementary Marriages

God did not design men and women to be identical, but rather that spouses would bring complementary elements to their marriage. If you and your spouse are having difficulty seeing where you complement one another, or what common ground you have in your relationships, consider getting in touch with a professional marriage Christian counselor. A counseling session is a great place to have a trained objective observer take a look at your marriage problems and see what you can do to correct them. They’ll use therapeutic techniques and scripture-based principles to guide you through the process of discovering what unique qualities bind your relationship.

*Louis Stevens of Disney’s “Even Stevens” came up with this, not me.

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By Eric Gomez, MS, LMFT, MHP, Seattle Christian Counseling

Looking for Answers

As a Marriage & Family Counselor, I witness first hand the fear, hurt, and uncertainty many married couples experience when their communication breaks down. They find themselves frustrated, angry, and eventually distant from one another after months, or maybe years, of engaging in the same negative communication cycles. These negative cycles, and the subsequent emotions, are experienced at one point or another in most marriages. If not addressed, many things can easily be left unsaid, and important matters can go unresolved.

Ultimately, couples are on a search for answers. This article, and those that follow, focus on helping married couples learn how to communicate clearly, connect with one another on an emotional level, and establish deeper levels of understanding between them. The information and strategies presented will be supported by research findings proven effective at helping couples succeed in these areas.

Why Don’t You Understand Me?

How often have you thought the following after a disagreement with your spouse:

• “They don’t really understand how I feel.”
• “We fight all the time about the smallest things and never resolve anything.”
• “I’ve told them why I’m unhappy a thousand times. It’s like they don’t get it.”
• “I can’t talk to them. They get so defensive.”
• “We’re growing further apart.”

These thoughts indicate the presence of barriers preventing true spousal communication from occurring. Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver (1999) identified four distinct barriers, calling them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: defensiveness, criticism, contempt (belittling), and stonewalling (emotional flooding or withdrawal). These four barriers facilitate negative communication cycles characterized by frustration, anger, hurt, fear, and withdrawal. They simply will not allow you to connect with your spouse on an emotional level.

Gottman and Gottman (2011) provide antidotes to the Four Horsemen:

• Criticism (Use a Gentle Start Up): E.g., Calmly asking, “Do you mind if I talk to you about something?”
• Contempt (Build a Culture of Appreciation): E.g., “Thank you for taking the time to hear me out.”
• Defensiveness (Take Responsibility): E.g., “I didn’t know I made you feel that way.”
• Stonewalling (Do Physiological Self Soothing): E.g., Sitting silently together for a few minutes (Gottman and Gottman, 2011).

Avoiding the Four Horsemen and applying their antidotes is vitally important to keeping the lines of communication open between you and your spouse (Gottman and Silver, 1999). However, this is really the first step leading toward emotional connection and mutual understanding. There’s more to discuss.  

Debating the Details

A fundamental flaw I see couples often enter into is what I call The Debate Cycle, a negative communication cycle characterized by an ongoing discussion about the details of some important matter. It looks like this:

• Partner 1: “You’re always so busy. You never make time to be with me.”
• Partner 2: “Yes I do!”
• Partner 1: “Look, I just said you don’t. Are you deaf?”
• Partner 2: “I can’t talk to when you’re like this. This conversations over.”

Identify where you see defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling in this first example and in the one below:

• Partner 1: “I hate it when you don’t look at me when I’m talking to you.”
• Partner 2: “I’m still listening. I’m just not looking at you.”
• Partner 1: “It’s rude!”
• Partner 2: “No it’s not!”

This is a fairly typical debate cycle characterized by criticism and defensiveness. In both examples “communication” took place, yet literally no understanding was established. The “details” definitively took over, and each couple entered into The Debate Cycle. Unless something changed they would continue arguing for some time, becoming more upset with each other, or one member would likely leave in frustration.

Dr. Brent Bradley (2011) noted many couples fall into a negative interactional cycle based on content differences that have little to do with the core attachment issues in their relationship. As a result, the deeper needs and longings of each member are not addressed. Thus, the tragedy of the The Debate Cycle is married couples neglect to address the underlying fear, uncertainty, hurt, and sadness driving them to have disagreements in the first place.

Please understand, it is never helpful to try winning the debate, because the details won’t matter in the end. What will matter is whether you have drawn closer together or drifted further apart when the conversation is done.

Connecting Emotionally and Ending the Debate Cycle

It is imperative to understand how easy it can be to end the Debate Cycle. Doing so requires that you:

1. Get your focus off the superficial details (e.g., who did what and when).
2. Slow the conversation down.
3. Focus on understanding the deeper emotions driving your spouse’s concerns.
4. Use their body language to inform you as to how they feel.
5. Ask open ended questions to help them express and expand upon their thoughts and emotions.
6. Listen intently.
7. Briefly restate what you heard them say. (Note: It is important for both members to willingly engage in this change process).

For example, when your spouse is loudly criticizing you don’t become defensive and begin debating the details. Rather, explore the underlying emotions driving them to act that way by asking open ended questions. 

• I can tell I’ve upset you. Can you please tell me why you’re so angry?
• Honey, slow down. Let’s take minute to talk this through. Can you please tell me what’s bothering you?

Spouses who engage in this process and are willing to be open and vulnerable with each other, literally create an environment where true emotional connection will begin to be experienced. Spouses who turn on each other by attacking, blaming, criticizing when attempts at emotional connection are made, rapidly create an environment of anxiety whereby increased bids for connection or withdrawal will be made (Johnson et al., 2005). You get to decide which type of environment will exist in your relationship.

Thriving Onward

This article was based on the notion that all couples disagree, but there is a way to communicate which enables couples to break the negative cycles preventing them from truly understanding and connecting emotionally with one another. I am confident that as you and your spouse apply what you’ve read, you will begin to experience a deeper form of conversation characterized by greater openness, vulnerability, and security. Having a marriage that is thriving onward is possible, it just takes work at doing things differently than before.

For information on my counseling practice and Christian-based approach to couple relationships, please go to seattlechristiancounseling.com.

References

Bradley, B., Furrow, J., & Johnson, S. (2011). The emotionally focused casebook: New direction in treating couples. New York, NY: Routledge.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J.S. (2011). Bridging the couple chasm: Gottman couples therapy, a new research-based approach. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Johnson, S., Bradley, B., Furrow, J., Lee, A., Palmer, G., Tilley, D., & Woolley, S. (2005). Becoming an emotionally focused therapist: The workbook. New York, NY: Routledge.

Wedding Photo by: Vincent Tsui Photography, Creative Commons License

Eric Gomez, MS, LMFT, MHP

206.701.9126

direct email

Mind-Body Techniques to Manage Anxiety

Mind-body exercises train the brain to respond to anxiety in a healthy way. With each practice, the brain becomes more flexible and able to move through anxiety with greater ease. Here is a list of four mind-body practices you can use to manage anxiety:

1. Deflating Balloon: This exercise works well to manage shortness of breath. Slowly release all the air from your lungs. Think of your stomach as a balloon, letting air release from the opening on top. Rather than forcing the air out, let your lungs deflate with ease. When you have no more air to release, let your lungs fill with air. You may feel a springy sensation as your lungs pull air back inside. Focus on letting the air enter the lower chambers of your lungs first, then filling your upper chest. You can release no more air from your lungs. Repeat 5 times, or until you feel your breath return to a comfortable flow.

2. Square Breathing: This exercise works well to regulate rapid heart rate or a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Close your eyes and stand up straight. Hold one arm in front of you and point your finger. Inhale deeply for 3 seconds as you move your arm about 1 foot up in the air. Hold your inhaled breath for 3 seconds as you move your hand horizontally towards the other side of your body. Exhale deeply for 3 seconds as you move your hand in a downward direction. Hold your exhaled breath for 3 seconds as you move your hand horizontally to its original position. Picture your finger drawing a square shape as you move through this cycle. Repeat 10 times, or until you feel your heart return to a normal rate.

3. Wall Sits: This exercise works well to relieve shaking or trembling. Place your back on a wall and lower your body as if you are sitting on a chair. Place your calves and thighs in a 90-degree angle with the floor. Press your back, shoulders and head firmly against the wall and hold for 30-60 seconds. If it feels good to you, try adding exercise 1, 2, or 4 as you complete the wall sit.

4. Tension and Release: This exercise works well to release muscle tension. With your elbows at your side, hold your forearms out in front of you at a 90-degree angle. Make a fist with each of your hands, squeezing and tensing your hands, arms, and shoulders as much as you can. Focus on keeping your breath steady and deep as you tense your arms. Hold for about 10 seconds, and then release the tension in your hands, arms, and shoulders all at once. Let your body relax for a few seconds, then repeat when you are ready. Continue this cycle 3-5 times. Make sure to end the cycle in the released state.

In each of these exercises, pay attention to how your breathing and body feel. These techniques can be used on a short-term basis, as a means of moving through anxiety in the moment; or on a long-term basis, as daily brain-training exercises.

The Role of Christian Counseling in Treating Anxiety

Mind-body practices have tremendously positive impacts on the brain, but they also have their limits. Most of the time, our brain sends a message of perceived danger because of something that happened in the past – a painful, maybe even traumatic experience that remains unresolved. Mind-body practices provide healthy symptom management; but they do not get to the root of what is triggering anxiety. Through the therapeutic relationship, we can explore the meaning of your anxiety in a deeper way, seeking the complete freedom and healing that I believe God intends for you. If you would like further support as you pursue healing from anxiety, I would be delighted to collaborate with you.

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Principle Six from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver

“Tips and strategies” adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s book

All it takes is one big problem to suck your marriage down like a Brachiosaurus in a tar pit. You and your spouse find yourselves locking horns over a difference of opinion that eventually lands you in a marriage counselor’s office or divorce court; no matter how many years or decades of unity you have behind you. In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman argues the goal isn’t so much to solve the problem, but rather to start a dialogue. “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addresses or respected by each other.” (217)

 How Gridlock Represents Dreams

Gridlock usually doesn’t happen over little disagreements, because they are not emotionally charged enough. It is when you start denying someone the deepest desires of their heart that things get heated. For example: where to spend the Holiday’s. Many families have annual holiday traditions. These traditions make you feel warm, fuzzy and secure; which is why people keep them going. Start messing with that and you are just asking for a fight.

Amanda and Michael dread Christmas every year because it means yet another fight about where to celebrate it. Amanda grew up going to her grandmother’s house every year on Christmas morning to eat breakfast and open presents. Michael’s family had everyone over to their house for the few days surrounding Christmas. But, now that his parents have passed away, Michael would like to have everyone over to celebrate in his home. It is November and they have finally decided to talk to a Christian marriage counselor about it.

Here’s an example of the process Amanda and Michael followed while in the counselor’s office:

 Describe your dreams

• Each spouse gets 15 minutes to describe a dream (in this case, their ideal Christmas plans)

o Explain your feelings and why this is important to you as specifically as you can. Don’t hold back because you are worried about how your spouse will react. Gottman suggests describing your dream as you would to a good friend or neutral third party.

o Do not criticize or argue with your partner– just describe your dream.

• The listener’s job is just that– to listen. Do not interrupt or judge.

• “Don’t spend your time thinking up rebuttals or ways to solve the problem. Your role now is just to hear the dream and to encourage your spouse to explore it.” (232)

• After your spouse describes their dream, do not immediately respond by spouting off reasons why their dream is impractical or incompatible with yours.

Amanda– We went to Mimi’s house every year while I was growing up. She would make monkey bread and we’d all wait ‘til everyone was in the living room together before we started handing out presents from under the tree. She’s in her 90s now and I’m scared we won’t have too many more Christmases with her, and I’d hate to miss a single one.

Michael– I love the significance being ground zero for Christmas gives the house. It’s not so much about the, “look at us; we’re where the whole family goes,” but rather the warm, close feeling of having the whole family around you. As a child, I was always excited to wake up in the morning and run downstairs to the tree in our living room.

Now that Michael and Amanda have had an opportunity to really get at the root of the issue, it is easy to see they are worried about their individually cherished holiday traditions being jeopardized. Amanda is worried about missing the little time she has left with her grandmother, and Michael doesn’t want to lose the classic experience of Christmas at home. It is important both spouses understand where the other is coming from and feel the other respects their dream. If you give your partner the impression you are going to take away something important to them, they are going to cling even tighter to it, worsening the gridlock.

 End The Gridlock

• The important task here is to try to understand each other and create some sort of initial compromise.

• It may help to define the core areas of your dreams you will not compromise and those you will.

o Compare your lists and use that to work out your compromise.

• Gottman suggests making the compromise temporary. Test it for a few months and see how you feel afterward. (235)

As they already have plane tickets to fly to Amanda’s grandmother’s house for Christmas, they continue with that plan. However, they discuss having Michael’s whole family over for Thanksgiving next year. Amanda also suggests celebrating with her grandmother a week before, or a week after, Christmas next year, and having Michael’s family over for Christmas instead of Thanksgiving.

 How to Resolve Gridlock?

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this question. There is no right or wrong answer, just convincing arguments and a ton of emotional investment. The best thing couples can do is hear each other out and create an acceptable compromise. You may never stop disagreeing about the issue, but it does not have to bring your marriage to a standstill.

Another source of help for gridlocked couples is a professional Christian marriage counselor. Think of a counseling appointment as scheduling an oil change – you are having your marriage checked out by a professional. Everyone needs help sometimes. If you and your spouse have an unresolved disagreement that looms over your marriage every time you bring it up – now is probably a good time to get some help. Kind of like an exterminator for marriage pests instead of household ones. A professional Christian marriage counselor can steer you toward talking about your problem reasonably and productively, rather than becoming gridlocked. The counselor will use effective therapeutic techniques and spiritual principles to help you understand your marriage problems and work through them.

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Anxiety Bites!

Responding to anxiety is like trying to ward off an attacking dog. What would you do if a hound sank its teeth into your arm? Pull away, perhaps? It’s instinctive—a ferocious beast lunges towards you, you retract to safety. However, I have been told by a Boy Scout or two that the exact opposite response is safest. If you pull your arm out of the dog’s mouth, it will dig in further to keep it’s grip; but if you push your arm into the dog’s mouth, it releases its bite, causing less damage to your arm. Yes, those fearsome incisors will still penetrate the flesh, but they won’t rip you to shreds in the end.

Anxiety Isn’t the Enemy

So is anxiety like an attacking beast aimed at destroying me? Well, not exactly. Anxiety isn’t the enemy – It’s a God-given warning sign meant to protect you. When you feel anxiety, your brain is sending a message to your body to warn you of an actual or perceived danger. In the angry dog analogy, anxiety is comparable to the pain you feel when the dog’s teeth sink into your arm. If you pull away from the pain of the puncture wound, the animal will dig in further and cause greater damage. The same is true of anxiety. If you try to run from it, ignore it, or alleviate it by thoughts or behaviors that bring temporary relief, you will experience more harmful long-term effects. However, when you focus on the feeling of anxiety, accept it, and feel your body in it, you will notice a flow. The nervous system sends currents in a wave-like motion through your body. The tension grows stronger and stronger until you eventually come safely to the other side. By paying attention to your body, you communicate to your brain that the anxiety won’t actually destroy you. It may not feel great, but you’re strong enough to recover from it.

Distinguishing between Actual and Perceived Danger

Although anxiety is not the enemy, its appearance in situations of perceived (as opposed to actual) danger can limit us from living life to the fullest. I am a vocalist. After decades of solo and group performances, I have never experienced any actual threat to my physical or emotional safety during a performance. No rotten tomatoes, no yelling to get off the stage, no phantom menaces vengefully releasing giant chandeliers upon unsuspecting audiences. Yet, despite years of experience, I occasionally find myself in a spell of performance anxiety before stepping on stage. My heart races, my breathing becomes shallow, and my body feels jittery. In case of an actual disaster, this fight-or-flight response would be quite useful. However, as my body prepares to ward off a perceived threat, it leaves few remaining resources to energize my singing. The anxiety limits me from being able to accomplish my goal in that moment. This is just one example of how anxiety symptoms sometimes do more harm than good. In 2nd Timothy 1:7, Paul says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (New King James Version).” I have found that mind-body practices help me to regain the strength that God intended for my mind. Before performing, I often employ a mind-body practices that I describe below. Over the years, I have noticed a decreased frequency and intensity of performance anxiety as a result. Stay tuned as next week I share with you four mind-body practices that train your brain to respond to anxiety in a healthy way.

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 Secure Dependence

Marriage has always been more than good communication, doing things together, having kids, and spending time with extended family. These are all incredibly important things, but they aren’t the core of a healthy marriage. The heart of any close marriage is a strong emotional bond fostered by a prevalent sense of security. In the clinical world we call this a secure attachment. It is characterized by:

A secure dependence which fosters autonomy, self-confidence, comfort, emotional accessibility, and responsiveness since the more connected we are, the more separate and different we can be. It provides a secure base to reach out to others, and deal with stress and conflict in a positive manner (Johnson et al., 2005).

When we consider these factors, we begin to sense the sheer power attachment yields in a relationship.

An Illustration

Here is how I often illustrate secure attachment to the couples I see in my private practice. When we have a sense of security with a friend, family member, or co-worker, we experience a heightened sense of comfort, we feel free to allow our personality to come through, we openly express our thoughts, and we are willing to share the more personal aspects of our lives. Without this sense of security we become anxious and reserved. It is far more difficult to be ourselves because of the uncertainty and risk involved. It is the same in marriage.

When Security is Called Into Question

When a marriage is strong it is less likely to be shaken by a few disagreements because it is founded on vulnerability, trust, understanding, and security. However, when a marriage is marked by ongoing distress, attachment needs are activated and insecure forms of engagement may be identified (Johnson et al., 2005).

Insecure forms of engagement often lead to what is called a pursue/withdraw cycle:

• The Pursuit: One member begins to make increased efforts to connect emotionally (e.g., by repeatedly bringing up an important concern in the relationship). If their bids for connection fail, this facilitates an elevated sense of anxiety, whereby they may increase their efforts to connect (e.g., by yelling, blaming, or criticizing).
• The Withdrawal: The other member, finding themselves feeling like the target of a spousal attack, shuts down emotionally and seeks to avoid the situation, hoping things will soon return to normal (Johnson et al., 2005).

A fundamental key to reestablishing the needed emotional connection and sense of security, is respectfully seeking to understand the emotion driving a spouse’s particular pursue/withdraw behavior. Are they scared, hurt, upset, lonely, betrayed, etc.? Too many couples never get to this level of understanding because they get stuck in the Debate Cycle, which is largely driven by defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling (Gottman and Silver, 1999). Therefore, the establishment of new relational patterns becomes necessary. 

Establishing New Patterns

In the first part of this series, Why Don’t You Understand Me? (Avoiding the Debate Cycle), I addressed specific steps couples can take to establish new relational patterns:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” - (Galatians 5:22, ESV)

These fruit are not lofty ideals. They are the framework on which healthy marital interactions are built. If your heart is set on truly breaking the negative cycles in your relationship, then take of God’s Spirit, seek his strength, and yield to his direction by choosing to be patient, to be self-controlled, to love, to be faithful, and to speak kindly to your spouse. Always remember, how your treat them means everything in terms of establishing emotional security.

Counseling as a First Step

There is nothing that supersedes having a marriage founded on emotional security, where you are entirely free to be yourselves, and can enjoy the benefits of trust, openness, intimacy, and honesty. Christian counseling provides you with a unique opportunity to begin working towards this end. I would be glad to speak with you further on how I can help you and your spouse build emotional security into your relationship.

Feel free to contact me by going to seattlechristiancounseling.com.

Eric Gomez, MS, LMFT, MHP

Beach Photo by: Mike Baird, Creative Commons License

References

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Johnson, S., Bradley, B., Furrow, J., Lee, A., Palmer, G., Tilley, D., & Woolley, S. (2005). Becoming an emotionally focused therapist: The workbook. New York, NY: Routledge.

Eric Gomez, MS, LMFT, MHP

206.701.9126

direct email

Principle Five from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver

Sit down because I am fixing to drop a bomb– you and your spouse will not agree on everything. And there are some things you may never agree about. You’ll just spend the rest of your marriage occasionally clashing over them. But there are some problems you can solve, which is the subject of principle five of Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”

 How to argue

Gottman offers five tips for keeping disagreements from becoming screaming matches. A lot of it has to do with treating your spouse with the same courtesy you’d treat anyone else. I’m assuming you wouldn’t call one of your coworkers an idiot and scream at them about how they can’t seem to ever remember anything. Why would you treat the person you claim to love most this way? (159)

 1. Soften your startup

Take a second and think about how you approach bringing up a touchy subject with someone. You might run through different ways of phrasing what you want to say to make sure it comes out the gentlest way possible. You probably keep an open ear to make sure your tone of voice isn’t too threatening or presumptive. (159) “Softening the startup is crucial to resolving conflicts because, my research finds, discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. (161)

Harsh setup: How come I always get stuck cleaning up after dinner even though I’m the one who made it?!

Soft setup: Do you think you could help me clean up the kitchen after meals?

 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts

Repair attempts are sympathetic noises or statements people make during tense discussions to let the other person know they’re trying to understand their point of view and don’t want to fight. If your spouse gets defensive, you may retreat slightly or try to approach them from another angle. Unless you have zero conflict-handling skills, you already do this any time you have a disagreement with someone, you just may ignore it when disagreeing with your spouse. (159)

Example:

(Wife) Do you think you could help me clean up the kitchen after meals?

(Husband) I always put my dishes by the sink (defensively)

(Wife) I know you do, and I appreciate that.

Acknowledging their point of view rather than steamrolling over it if it doesn’t align with yours keeps you from coming across as an attacker. Your partner sees that you’re open to what they have to say, which makes them more open to what you have to say.

 3. Soothe yourself and each other

This step relies on effective repair attempts. As long as you and your partner keep your emotions in check, there’s hope for your discussion. If one of you feels overwhelmed by emotion, or that the only way you can respond is by shutting them out or exploding, ask to take a break from the discussion. “It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting like listening to music or exercising.” (178)

 4. Compromise

To keep conflict from overwhelming your marriage, you have to learn to accept your spouse’s influence (which is what principle four in Gottman’s book is all about). You can’t just put your fingers in your ears and refuse to hear anything your spouse says that doesn’t accord identically with what you believe. You wouldn’t have married this person if you didn’t think they had something valuable to offer you, so take a minute to hear them out. (181)

Example:

(Wife) Do you think you could help me clean up the kitchen after meals?

(Husband) I always put my dishes by the sink (defensively)

(Wife) I know you do, and I appreciate that.

(Husband) Mm-mhm.

(Wife) It’s just that I’ll spend a couple hours in the kitchen making dinner, we eat, and then everyone scatters and I’m left alone to clean up the mess. It’d just be nice to have some help.

(Husband) Yeah, I guess I haven’t ever really thought about what happens after dinner.

(Wife) Well, it’d be nice if little fairies came along and took care of it, but they don’t. (laughs)

(Husband) (laughs) Since they won’t help, I guess I can pitch in a little more.

Here we see the wife making an effort to calmly approach a touchy subject, avoid letting her husband’s defensiveness get the best of him, and then help him see where she’s coming from. The even-tempered setup of the argument makes him more open to accepting her influence, which finally resolves the issue.

 5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

While some differences of opinion can be resolved, others can’t. Consider the age-old battle of where to squeeze the toothpaste from. This is not something with a definitively right or wrong answer; there are only persuasive arguments for both sides. In situations like this, where there is no likelihood of resolution, either accept the conflict as a permanent part of your relationship (or just buy his and hers tubes).

 Occasional discord is part of marriage

A woman who’d been married for 25 years made a comment to her children a while back about how she and her husband had been arguing about the same things for 25 years, many of which were the same things his parents had argued about for 60. Gottman said the trick with these perpetual bones of contention is how you argue about them. Couples who respond to these unsolvable arguments by laughing at themselves rather than bristling at the problems stand a better chance at keeping them from overwhelming their marriage.

You just have to understand that you cannot change your spouse. But you agreed to accept them as they are when you married them, so it’d be unfair of you to hold their shortcomings over their head now. “Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it’s about negotiating, finding common ground, and ways that you can accommodate each other.” (185)

 Help resolving fights

If allowing ordinary spats to overwhelm your relationship is something you and your partner struggle with, get in touch with a professional Christian counselor. A counseling session provides a neutral place for you and your partner to talk about sources of conflict in front of someone who can keep rein you back in if things get heated. Christian counselors use effective therapeutic techniques and Biblical guidance to help you and your spouse overcome your marriage problems and have the relationship God designed marriage to be.

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Psychobabble, psychobabble, psychobabble. Have you ever wondered why you hear so much of it? Honestly, it is because we, counselors, tend to think that it makes us sound smarter. Here’s the thing, it does make us sound smarter, but is it really going to help you change? My guess is that you already know the answer to that question, “Maybe a little.” It is helpful to put words and terms to complex issues of mental health and relationships, it builds a foundation for more effective talk and understanding. But that isn’t the “end all,” “be all” of true counseling.

What is it and what is the point of psychobabble?

As you enter the counseling office, does a complex array of psychologically powered words await? If it does, then you have entered the realm of psychobabble, which unleashes the feeling of near super human relational understanding, setting you high above the peons of lesser relationally minded folks. Are you feeling powerful yet? Well, you should, and that is the point of the secret vocabulary of the counselor in office. It is literally meant to make you sounds smart and feel like you understand relationships better than others. The problem is that joining into a system that simultaneously pumps up your ego, and your counselor’s ego, is a dysfunctional relationship. Unless I am mistaken, you weren’t coming for another one of those.

So what works in counseling?

Now you are asking the right question. The biggest problem with most counseling is the counselor, and their attempts to sound or look like they are really good. It is actually easier to pull this off than you might think. Smile, nod, point out a pattern or connection to the past, and ask a deep sounding question, “How do you feel about that?” If you have been to counseling, then you probably know how this goes. But counseling is actually an incredibly complex and challenging relationship between counselor and client. It requires putting aside all pretenses and being honest, truly caring for the client, and not trying to sound good or make them think that you are special.

Counseling requires a lot from a counselor.

If I am going to be genuine with you and actually help you grow, then I have to be willing to grow too. This is an uncomfortable prospect because that means you are asking me to step into places with you that people have otherwise been unable or unwilling to go. It requires confrontation. You are asking me to see you, understand you, and help you walk through all the defenses that your brain has set up to keep you locked down.

Learning concepts in counseling.

There are many concepts of relationships that require explanation in order to understand them, and work them through. This is really important. A good counselor should be teaching these concepts to you, and not just using them to make them sound smart. Great for a counselor’s ego to use big terms, but not so great for you if you don’t know what they mean.

So what should counseling look like?

When good counseling takes place, change happens and you are able to work through issues in the process. You build momentum, you enter into stories, and things really heat up. When this happens, you encounter yourself, you see yourself, and have to confront yourself in a way that actually changes pathways in your brain. You come to understand yourself, and what you have been through beyond a cognitive level, to a level of experience where true change and healing occurs. This is what I want for you: counseling where change happens and new doors open up for you to live life with joy and satisfaction.

Friend, as people, we naturally have blind spots that might leave our thoughts looping in a circle, so if you need some help in this process, let me know.

Erik Mildes, MA, LMHC, Clinical Supervisor

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Couples and Individual Counselor

North Seattle (Greenlake) and Downtown Seattle

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