Things to Consider Before Getting Married
Vanessa Stewart
Finding yourself in a new relationship that feels like this may be “the one,” can leave you feeling starry-eyed and exhilarated, but don’t assume that those heart-racing, romantic feelings indicate that you and your partner are in sync. Before you get serious and dive in headfirst, you would do well to set some ground rules and get to know each other’s boundaries.

Having a clear understanding of what you are about to commit to and respecting one another’s boundaries can enhance the quality and resilience of your relationship, as well as build trust and create a safe environment that fosters open and honest communication and emotional intimacy.
Important Conversations You Need to Have Before Getting Married
Let’s consider some important conversations you and your intended need to have before getting married. Even though the topics may feel uncomfortable, premature, or intimidating, don’t slough them off as unnecessary. They are vital to ensuring that you are both on the same page before you say I do, preventable heartache down the road is averted, and your marriage has a sturdy foundation on which to grow.
Expectations for the future
Before getting married, one of the most important conversations you need to have is about your expectations, long-term goals, and hopes and dreams for the future of your relationship. It will ensure that you are both on the same page, motivated to work toward a mutually fulfilling future together, and keep you from investing yourself in a relationship with someone who is unable or unwilling to be who you want him or her to be.
Core values and beliefs
Core values and beliefs such as religious, political, and cultural views and traditions, are issues that can affect the dynamics of your marriage relationship if you are not on the same page. Important questions to ask include whether there is anything you or your intended is not willing to give up once you get married, what things are negotiable and what are not, and how you will navigate your differences.
Finances
Money is one of the most frequent sources of disagreement and strife in a marriage, making finances a crucial conversation before tying the knot. Questions need to include:
- What are your spending patterns and financial priorities like?
- What does money mean to you?
- Do you budget and have a savings or retirement account?
- Who will be responsible for making the financial decisions and paying the bills?
- Will you have separate or joint bank accounts?
- How will you handle unexpected expenses?
- Will either of you have any debts and, if so, what the plan is for paying them off?
- Will you have limits on how much you can spend before consulting your spouse?
Intimacy and sexual needs
Sex is one of the ultimate expressions of intimacy. Having an honest and open conversation about your needs, expectations, and desires, as well as your boundaries regarding what is acceptable and what is not, can determine whether you and your intended are on the same page and help prevent upsets and misunderstandings down the road.
Questions should include what your preferences are for physical touch and sexual expression; how you define infidelity and what your stance on it is; and what your social media boundaries are, such as whether it’s okay for your intended to connect with ex-partners or people of the opposite gender online.
Love languages
People with different personalities tend to express and receive love in different ways. Questions should include how best you can support each other emotionally when you are going through a hard time, and what makes you feel loved. Understanding each other’s love language can help deepen the emotional bond between you and enable you to feel loved and valued in ways that are the most meaningful to you.
Family involvement
Having a conversation about your expectations concerning family involvement before getting married can help ascertain whether you are on the same page.
Questions should include how involved you want your in-laws and extended family to be in your life, and what boundaries you will set to prioritize your relationship as a couple, such as how often you will get together, where you will spend holidays, which traditions you will continue to observe with them or start your own, and how you will handle potential conflicts or challenges should they arise.
Children and parenting
Before getting married, it is important to determine whether your views on children are in line. Questions should include:
- Whether or not you both want children, how many, and if you want to have them right away or if there is a goal you want to achieve first.
- How you plan to raise and parent your children.
- Whether there are any traditions or values you want to pass down to them.
- How will you share childcare responsibilities?
- Will one of you be a stay-at-home parent?
- How involved do you want your extended family to be in your child’s life?
Faith and culture
A conversation about your spiritual beliefs and cultural traditions, how important they are in your life, and how you expect to incorporate them into your marriage is a must, especially if you are of different faiths.
Questions should include specific holidays or celebrations that are especially important to you, what you expect your intended’s involvement to be, how you envision raising your children, and how your differences may affect your marriage.
Career goals and living arrangements
Your views on how important work-life balance is, your long-term vision of what you want to achieve in your chosen field and the impact it may have on your lifestyle and future, and where you envision living after getting married are all important topics you need to be on board with.
Questions should include:
- What type of neighborhood do you want to live in?
- Do you want to buy a house, rent an apartment, or live with family?
- Would you be willing to move or relocate to achieve your spouse’s career goals, or if one of you were to get transferred due to his or her job?
Daily life and household routines
To avoid unexpected conflict after the fact, a clear understanding of each other’s expectations is a must before getting married. Don’t assume it won’t be an issue. Important questions should include how you feel about pets and who would take care of them; division of household responsibilities and expenses; cleanliness expectations; and whether there are any routines or standards you are used to that you expect to continue.
Friends, social life, and need for alone time
A conversation about how you expect to balance time with your friends and family with time alone as a couple after marriage can help you understand each other’s social preferences.
It is also good to explore topics such as bucket lists you may have, travel preferences, how much personal alone time you need, and how you can support and encourage one another’s hobbies and interests.
Premarital counseling is one of the best ways to prepare for getting married. It provides a safe, unbiased, supportive environment in which to address sensitive topics, learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills, and prepare you for any challenges or differences that may occur.
If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please give us a call.
References:According to Dr. Gary Chapman’s best seller book, The 5 Love Languages, people express and prefer to receive love in one of five different ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Familywave Team. “20 Things You Should Discuss Before You Get Married.” FamilyWave. July 28, 2024. https://blog.familywave.com/talk-about-before-marriage?
Mark Travers. “3 Boundaries All Couples Should Set Before Things Get Serious – By A Psychologist.” Forbes. July 28, 2024. forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/07/28/3-boundaries-all-couples-should-set-before-things-get-serious-by-a-psychologist/.
Photos:
“Proposal”, Courtesy of Taylor Brandon, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Taxes”, Courtesy of Andy Quezada, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Snuggling”, Courtesy of Toa Heftiba, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Family”, Courtesy of Daiga Ellaby, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License