Why Don’t You Understand Me? (Emotionally Connecting with Your Spouse: Part 2 of 2)

Secure Dependence

Marriage has always been more than good communication, doing things together, having kids, and spending time with extended family. These are all incredibly important things, but they aren’t the core of a healthy marriage. The heart of any close marriage is a strong emotional bond fostered by a prevalent sense of security. In the clinical world, we call this a secure attachment. It is characterized by:

A secure dependence which fosters autonomy, self-confidence, comfort, emotional accessibility, and responsiveness since the more connected we are, the more separate and different we can be. It provides a secure base to reach out to others, and deal with stress and conflict in a positive manner (Johnson et al., 2005).

When we consider these factors, we begin to sense the sheer power attachment yields in a relationship.

An Illustration

Here is how I often illustrate secure attachment to the couples I see in my private practice. When we have a sense of security with a friend, family member, or co-worker, we experience a heightened sense of comfort, we feel free to allow our personality to come through, we openly express our thoughts, and we are willing to share the more personal aspects of our lives. Without this sense of security, we become anxious and reserved. It is far more difficult to be ourselves because of the uncertainty and risk involved. It is the same in marriage.

When Security is Called Into Question

When a marriage is strong it is less likely to be shaken by a few disagreements because it is founded on vulnerability, trust, understanding, and security. However, when a marriage is marked by ongoing distress, attachment needs are activated and insecure forms of engagement may be identified (Johnson et al., 2005).

Insecure forms of engagement often lead to what is called a pursue/withdraw cycle:

• The Pursuit: One member begins to make increased efforts to connect emotionally (e.g., by repeatedly bringing up an important concern in the relationship). If their bids for connection fail, this facilitates an elevated sense of anxiety, whereby they may increase their efforts to connect (e.g., by yelling, blaming, or criticizing).
• The Withdrawal: The other member, finding themselves feeling like the target of a spousal attack, shuts down emotionally and seeks to avoid the situation, hoping things will soon return to normal (Johnson et al., 2005).

A fundamental key to reestablishing the needed emotional connection and sense of security is respectfully seeking to understand the emotion driving a spouse’s particular pursue/withdraw behavior. Are they scared, hurt, upset, lonely, betrayed, etc.? Too many couples never get to this level of understanding because they get stuck in the Debate Cycle, which is largely driven by defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling (Gottman and Silver, 1999). Therefore, the establishment of new relational patterns becomes necessary. 

Establishing New Patterns

In the first part of this series, Why Don’t You Understand Me? (Avoiding the Debate Cycle), I addressed specific steps couples can take to establish new relational patterns:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. – (Galatians 5:22, ESV)

These fruit are not lofty ideals. They are the framework on which healthy marital interactions are built. If your heart is set on truly breaking the negative cycles in your relationship, then take of God’s Spirit, seek his strength, and yield to his direction by choosing to be patient, to be self-controlled, to love, to be faithful, and to speak kindly to your spouse. Always remember, how your treat them means everything in terms of establishing emotional security.

Counseling as a First Step

There is nothing that supersedes having a marriage founded on emotional security, where you are entirely free to be yourselves, and can enjoy the benefits of trust, openness, intimacy, and honesty. Christian counseling provides you with a unique opportunity to begin working towards this end. I would be glad to speak with you further on how I can help you and your spouse build emotional security into your relationship.

References
– Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
– Johnson, S., Bradley, B., Furrow, J., Lee, A., Palmer, G., Tilley, D., & Woolley, S. (2005). Becoming an emotionally focused therapist: The workbook. New York, NY: Routledge.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.com – “Love Couple” by t0zz