6 Positive Discipline Tools for Christian Parenting

I love the image of a potter working with clay to mold and
 shape it into something beautiful and not yet seen. This imagery works not only 
for our relationship with our Creator but also for parents and their children.
 A child is like a lump of clay that the Lord gives to parents—a precious, small lump with it’s own unique 
color and texture. Parents have 
the opportunity to mold the clay into the person they would like their child to
 be. Molding pottery is a tenuous and exhausting task. It may even feel out of
 control at times. When children misbehave, parents have an opportunity to control their responses so that their actions can be used to further mold their child.

Principles adapted from Positive Discipline Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.I have recently been reading Jane Nelsen’s book Positive Discipline. I find many of her points helpful for parents and professionals working
 with children and teens. I also have great respect for Alfred Adler, an influential psychotherapist, who developed ideas, practices, and interventions in the field of family therapy. Some of his main concepts are highlighted in Nelsen’s book. In this article, I will draw upon Nelsen’s insight and Adler’s concepts to highlight 6 tools for positive discipline in Christian parenting. Learning to use these tools effectively provides parents with a powerful means for shaping their children in positive and affirming ways.

Respond Compassionately to Win Your Child Over

Nelsen suggests that positive discipline begins with winning
 children over. You can win your child over by showing empathy, 
sharing your own feelings and perceptions, making sure he or she feels heard, and focusing on a solution
 rather than a problem (Nelsen, 1981). For example, if your child comes to you reporting they have been wronged by a sibling and would like you to intervene, begin by 
repeating what you hear your child saying. Things such as, “I hear you saying
your sister wasn’t being fair” or “It sound like you are really upset”, will 
begin the process of winning over your child. Try to avoid jumping to 
conclusions about who is to blame.

Acknowledge Your Child’s Social Context

Adler’s first concept is that children are social beings and 
behave within social contexts. Children behave based on how they think other
 people perceive them. When children are thriving and developing
 strengths, they have a sense of belonging and significance.

Children’s behaviors
 are goal-oriented. Many times they are not able to find the appropriate 
means to their goal (1981). Children may whine for attention, which then frustrates 
the parent, creating the opposite result the child was hoping for. According to Nelsen, “the goal of all behavior is to achieve a sense of belonging and significance within the social environment” (1981).

Understand Misbehavior as Coded Messages

Adler also presents the idea that misbehaving children are discouraged. Adler notes that discouraged children try 
to demonstrate that they don’t feel like they belong or that they are significant. When your
 child misbehaves, take a moment to ask yourself “What is he or she really trying to
 say?” or “What messages are they sending me right now?” Often, children are not 
even aware they are sending coded messages to us. All it might take is a few 
moments to process what is going on underneath the anger, yelling, or
 stubbornness (1981).

Encourage Social Responsibility

Alfred Adler jokes that he could cure a client’s depression in just 
fourteen days by asking the client to do one nice thing for another person 
each day. This idea emphasizes the importance he puts on developing social 
responsibility in children. Adler suggests building resiliency 
in children by helping them feel capable by contributing.

Teach Children to Learn From Mistakes

He also suggests using mistakes as learning opportunities. 
Rather than shaming children for not being perfect, we can turn an “oops” into 
a lesson for next time. You may even try asking your children, “What can we 
learn from this?” Parents can also model this behavior by sharing experiences
 where they made a mistake and learned something new as a result (1981). Nelsen
 highlights in her book the “Three R’s of Recovery,” which are: [1] Recognize, [2] Reconcile, and [3] Resolve.

The first step is to recognize that yes, I made a mistake. The second step is to make things right again by apologizing for the wrong done. And the final step of recovering from a mistake is to resolve the problem by working out a solution together. For example, if in the heat of the moment you tell your child they are being stupid, start by taking a step back and recognizing the role you are playing in the interaction. After internally recognizing the mistake you have made, share your realization with your child followed by an apology for your behavior. This opens an opportunity to share where your frustrations came from and may lead to a discussion of how to avoid these conflicts in the future. Following the Three R’s of Recovering can make it easier to accept responsibility for mistakes because they are turned into learning opportunities.

Ensure Your Child Hears a Message of Love

And last, but certainly not least, when working on positive 
discipline, always make sure your child hears a message of love is heard. When we act out of impatience or frustration, our bottom-line message of
“I love you” doesn’t get heard.

Christian Counseling for Parents

Remembering and mastering the concepts presented by Adler in
 Nelsen’s book can be a daunting task, especially if certain patterns have already been in place for quite some time. Christian Counseling
 can help parents and children learn to navigate misbehavior and practice positive communication. Counseling is the perfect
 space to step back and take a look at patterns in the family while offering support
 and ideas for creating a peaceful home environment.