6 Ways to Deal with Anger in Christian Perspective

Anger is a completely normal, often healthy human emotion. Everyone gets angry sometimes. But when a person’s anger gets out of control it can lead to problems at work, in personal relationships and in the overall quality of life. No two people are alike in managing their anger. Temperaments and circumstances differ from person to person. We can, however, identify five general options or choices that can be made when anger surfaces: (1) suppression, (2) aggressive anger, (3) passive aggression, (4) assertiveness, (5) dropping it, or (6) Christian counseling. From the above list, the first three choices tend to perpetuate anger, while the other two can help bring a positive result.

Suppressed Anger: Controlled by Fear and Shame

Many people hesitate to admit their own anger. It is something many fall into because they were taught from a young age to stay in control, or that it is less than Christian to outwardly express this type of emotion. Although the person feels the anger they struggle with guilt about expressing the emotion and stuff it out of the view of all around. Perhaps they have witnessed the ill effects of someone’s anger, so they are determined not to be lowered to expressions that seem overbearing and rude. Some lean to perfectionism and see any outer display of being upset or rattled as less than desirable. Counselors generally agree, however, that anger can be a healthy emotion and that suppressing it does nothing to eliminate it. It may not be visible, but it is active and will not dissipate on its own. So, although this is a choice, it is not a desirable one.

Aggressive Anger:  Forceful and Insensitive

Aggressive behavior may involve communicating in a demanding, abrasive, or even hostile manner with others. Aggressive people are typically insensitive to others rights and feelings and will attempt to get what they want through coercion, intimidation, explosiveness, and rage. Aggressiveness attempts to succeed through sheer force, creating conflict along the way. An aggressive stance emits from a selfish focus that allows for a strong insensitivity to others. By its very nature aggression puts others on the defense, causing them to either withdraw or fight back. As in the case of suppressed anger, aggression is a poor outlet for anger.

Passive Aggression:  The Pretense of Control

An alternative to being openly aggressive is being passive aggressive. This form of aggression stems from an inability to confront anger in a healthy way. This individual often lacks insight into their feelings, may feel they are misunderstood and if confronted held to an unreasonable standard. They are able to recognize the turmoil that overt aggression causes and so refuse to explode or get caught in the trap of verbal abuse. These individuals, instead of openly confronting an issue, express aggression, or angry feeling, in a covert way through passive resistance. It is likely these people have a habit of suppressing their anger and in an attempt to avoid ugly displays they become susceptible to passive aggression. They believe they are able to maintain their self-worth, desires, and convictions at the expense of someone else. Examples would include; becoming silent knowing it bothers other people, doing needed projects or requests at their own pace, complaining behind someone’s back, but resist being open face to face, or being deliberately evasive so others won’t bother them. Passive aggression is usually caused by a need to control with the least amount of accountability. Where healthy relationships desire openness, to someone who is passive aggressive it comes at a high emotional price. As with suppression and aggressive anger, it is a choice for expressing anger, but one that fosters unwanted tension.

Assertive Anger:  Honest Communication

Assertive anger, in contrast to the styles already shared, involves asking for what is wanted (or saying no) in a simple, direct fashion while considering the needs and feelings of others. Simply stated, a person’s feelings and needs are honestly communicated while maintaining respect and consideration for others. This expression of anger can actually help relationships to grow. It represents a mark of personal maturity and stability. It is possible some hear the word assertive and think it applies to someone who is pushy, abrasive, or demanding. True assertiveness is not abrasive, nor does it inflict harm. Ephesians 4:26 promotes assertiveness when it tells us, “Be angry, and do not sin.” There are many times when it is healthy to speak to personal concerns, needs, and convictions, but in a manner that keeps the door open for positive relationship building. Examples might include; a busy church member politely, but firmly saying no to a request to take on more responsibility, a parent sharing guidelines for discipline without resorting to debate or condescension toward the child, or a tired mom telling her family she needs a 30-minute break with no interruptions. Assertiveness is not always easy. To be effective it will require self-awareness and respect for the dignity of others. It implies that something other than personal agendas are important. A person will need to consider the “big picture,” knowing that all communications affect future interactions. Therefore, James 1:19 helps frame it appropriately, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

Letting Go:  Knowing When to Drop Your Anger

The most difficult choice involving anger is to let it go. There are times when a person has appropriate convictions to communicate, yet assertiveness may not be enough. Or an individual has consistently expressed their position, yet challenges continue to surface. At this point, an option would be to choose to drop anger. Doing so reflects an individual’s awareness that all of their life and circumstances cannot be controlled. This option includes a tolerance of differences and a willingness to forgive. Examples would include, a wife realizing despite her many discussions with her husband he will always be a perfectionist. She will establish her boundaries so she will not have to live life according to his unrealistic expectations, but also learn to love and accept him as he is. An employee decides, rather than griping about a company policy, decides no job is perfect and will do his best work in spite of his opinions. Please understand, however, that dropping anger is different than suppressing it. Suppression is unhealthy and phony while dropping anger represents a move toward godliness. Like assertiveness, it is not always easy, but in the long run, will produce positive dividends.

Christian Counseling for Anger Issues

Christian counseling can be a powerful resource for someone struggling with anger. A Christian counselor is not only trained from a clinical perspective but is also able to offer insight and understanding from an integrated perspective of faith. A Christian counselor will offer a deep personal love Christ and a dependence on the Holy Spirit with an ability to practically apply Scripture and Biblical principles. In a safe place, a person will have the ability to confront their anger problem with hope for healing and change.