Important Reasons for Counseling Before Marriage

The success of a marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married. – John Fisher

Premarital counseling is one of the greatest investments you can make in your future marriage. Whether or not you are concerned about conflict or family as you enter marriage, having counseling before the wedding can result in huge payoffs for the future of your relationship. This article discusses five reasons for having premarital counseling before walking down the aisle. These are to create intentional time before the wedding, understand your family of origin, explore your expectations, build a toolbox for conflict, and establish a therapeutic relationship. These are just some of the many reasons why premarital counseling is recommended by professionals all over the world.

1) To Create Intentional Time Before the Wedding

You may have a million things on your mind leading up to the wedding. Wedding details, finances, moving, parties, and family expectations fill your mind in the days leading up to the big celebration. But what about the most important part of this big occasion … the relationship? Not enough couples slow down to give their relationship the time and energy it deserves before making the biggest commitment of their lives. In fact, less than 25% of all couples in the United States do some kind of marriage preparation in the lead-up to the big day. As you consider your wedding budget and prioritize where your money should be spent, remember that the best way to bless the guests at your wedding is by investing in the life of your marriage. Ten years from now they may not remember the theme, colors, party favor, or song you danced to. But your relationship will continue to influence and impact your family, friends, and community.

You may be thinking, “Well, our pastor requested to meet with us a few times leading up the wedding.” A pastor will often require a few meetings before marrying a couple, but these meetings are often brief and are simply an overview of the major topics covered in premarital counseling. By contrast, trained counselors meet with couples anywhere from 6 to 12 times, and are able to gain a fuller picture of the relationship. As a result, they can really lean into any areas of concern. In the whirlwind that is wedding planning, premarital counseling can offer a quiet place in which to slow down, turn to your future spouse, and pour life into your changing relationship.

2) To Understand the Combining of Two Families

Your willingness to accept the difference between you will allow you to complement one another in ways that make life better for each of you. – C.W. Neal

One of the most challenging parts of marriage can be the combining of two families. Whether you love them or they drive you crazy, your relationship with your family will inevitably impact your relationship with your spouse. Questions such as “How do you view money? What do you do for Christmas? How many kids do you want?” will all lead back to your family of origin. Some people act a certain way in marriage because they are trying not to be like their family, while others are trying to copy what they saw growing up. Either way, marriage involves the combining of two separate families into one. This is why it is crucial to explore your family background, your relationship with relatives, and your vision for moving forward.

I often draw a genogram (family map) with couples in order to illustrate the combining of two families, and how they will each impact the marriage. Taking the time to talk through family relationships, birth order, and family history often brings new insights and understanding. It makes you aware of the roadblocks that may arise later in marriage. For example, two first-born children may be able to identify that they both grew up as the “boss,” decision-maker, and leader. This trait is helpful to identify because it can be a source of conflict further down the road when both partners are acting in a headstrong way.

Discussing your families also allows space for each partner to speak to the marriage or marriages they witnessed while growing up. Drawing a genogram can often highlight generations of abusive relationships, divorce, traditional marriages, or conflict styles. Understanding your spouse’s family of origin can help you anticipate future problems and offer grace when conflict does arise.

3) To Explore Your Expectations about Marriage

My husband and I got married just a few weeks before Thanksgiving and after returning from a lovely honeymoon we found ourselves getting ready to head to his family’s house for a Thanksgiving meal. When I walked out of the bedroom with my hair curled and wearing a nice dress, I found my new husband on the sofa in a t-shirt and jeans. “What are you wearing?” I asked (with a slightly sassy undertone) and a conversation ensued about the dress code for holidays. Growing up, my family always put in a little effort for holiday gatherings or meals, but my husband’s family took a more casual approach. These are the little things that you don’t expect to arise in marriage because you assume that your partner can read your mind and know your expectations for all situations. Wrong. Husbands and wives cannot read minds, which is why talking through expectations can be so important.

Although we have expectations in all areas of life, there are a few that tend to bring up the most conflict. These are finances, sex, time with family, household chores, and children. These are some of the topics that I like to address in premarital counseling in order to explore concerns and express expectations. Here are a few examples of questions I might ask to get the conversation going:

– What are your financial goals for the first five years of marriage?

– Who will pay the bills?

– Who managed finances in your family growing up?

– How will you decide which family to see for holidays?

– How often do you hope to be intimate sexually?

– If you are both working full time, how will you manage the household chores?

– How long do you want to wait before having children?

– Do you expect either one of you to set your career aside in order to raise the children?

These are just some of the many topics discussed throughout premarital counseling. As these topics arise, I am able to help my clients to practice healthy communication and conflict resolution when necessary.

4) Build a Tool Box for the Inevitable Conflict

Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.
– Ephesians 4:26

One of the most valuable things to cover in premarital counseling is conflict. Arguments are to be expected in every relationship. But more important than how often you argue is how you recover from a disagreement. Are you able to reconnect and move forward, or do you store old frustrations in the closet for next time? Counseling is the perfect place to practice the art of navigating your differences and mending your relationship. I usually like to start by exploring a couple’s experiences with their arguments thus far in order to discover what is working and what is not. From there, we build an understanding of the pattern or cycle that their arguments usually follow. This allows couples to later successfully identify their cycle before things get out of hand. We then work to establish healthy ways of communicating your hurt and frustration that don’t get in the way of the message you are trying to send.

5) Understand the Benefits of Counseling in Marriage

When you are in the heat of an argument or feeling disconnected from your spouse, the last thing you want to do is pay someone to sit in a room with them and talk about the hard stuff. Couples in the midst of ongoing conflict often find it challenging to start counseling for the first time because of all the unknowns. Premarital counseling is a great introduction to the counseling experience and a way to “get your feet wet” in the process of sorting out challenges with a professional. Having completed premarital counseling, you will have an established relationship with a mental health professional who can be a resource at any time.

Explore the Benefits of Christian Based Premarital Counseling

This article has covered just five of the many reasons why counseling before marriage can be beneficial. As a Christian counselor, I am aware that it is easy to get distracted by the excitement of a wedding and forget to spend time on the health of your relationship. Even if you only have the time and financial resources for a handful of sessions, that time will be well spent by investing in the future of your relationship. If you are wanting to enter marriage with confidence, tools for road bumps, and a greater understanding of your spouse, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist in your area who can get this process started. Seattle Christian Counseling has locations all over the Puget Sound, and many wonderful therapists who are available to join you on this exciting journey.