The 5 Stages of Loss: Myths and Facts

In this article, I’ll discuss myths and facts about the 5 stages of loss and grief. I will also offer encouragement about the grieving process and tips for how you can navigate your grief in a healthy, helpful way.

What is Grief?

Grief is a completed emotion that people can experience differently. It is very individualized. People can go through grief and loss for a variety of reasons, not just death. It can also be loss of a friendship or romantic relationship, divorce, loss of health, loss of a job, retirement, a miscarriage, loss of a pet, along with many other ways people experience loss in their lifetime.

While researching this article I realized that there is not just one single definition that works for grief. There are so many that can be appropriate, depending on the situation and person.

Since grief is so personal, there is no standard of what you “should” or “should not” be doing. Some people move through the process faster than others. Some people feel closure, and others do not. There are also times when people never reach acceptance and carry the hurt and anger of the loss for their entire lifetime. This does not have to be you. Grief can be worked through and carried differently. Grief does not have to take over the rest of your life.

Common Myths about Grief

Myth #1: Grief Includes 5 Stages of Loss

In 1969, a psychiatrist named, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed that there are 5 stages of loss. These stages she purposed are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I have found that these 5 stages of loss do not always apply, because grief is so complex for each person.

To say that grief has specific feelings and order is absolutely inaccurate. In most cases, people move through many feelings and there is no specific order, time period, or process. These 5 stages of loss might be more appropriate when facing your own death, but is overall probably the biggest myth about grief.

Myth #2: I Just Need to “Get Over It”

I have found that many people have found themselves wanting to or being told to “get over it.” This is unrealistic for most people. What does that even mean? Should you never think of that loss again? Should I just be “okay”?

Many people will learn to carry the grief differently, but will never “get over it.” It is something to move through, but never “get over.” This is actually a very insensitive and selfish statement. If this statement is being said to you, it speaks more about the person saying it than it does about you.

Myth #3: I Should Grieve Like Everyone Else

Everybody is going to grieve differently, that is a fact. It is important to not place judgment on yourself, expectations, or compare your grieving process to somebody else’s. Do what is natural and reach out for help if you need it.

Myth #4: Moving On with Your Life Means You Do Not Care

Many times people experience what is called “Survivor’s Guilt.” This is exactly what it sounds like: guilt when somebody survives and another dies. Not everybody experiences this, but the people who do really struggle.

Some people put judgment on themselves and assume that if they are happy, others (including themselves) might think the person who has passed is all of the sudden “forgotten.” Moving on with your life does not mean you have forgotten anybody, it just means you are ready to move forward with your life. The loss will always be there, but the hope is that you have moved through it in a healthy way and have learned to carry the loss differently.

The Facts about Grief

• The 5 stages of loss might resonate with some people, but it is okay and normal to be experiencing your grief in other ways.
• Being compassionate with ourselves and others is key.
• Patience is an order.
• Your grief is YOUR grief, do not place conditions on how you grieve.
• Do what is best for YOU.
• The best way to work through grief is with others and not alone. Talk with others who you trust. Talking about it will help.

Tips to Help You Grieve

The first tip in helping yourself grieve is allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Often times we want to mask, cover up, or deny the feelings that come forward in the face of grief. It is best to allow yourself to feel what emotions are coming up.

I know this can seem overwhelming at times due to the loss you are trying to cope with. Most times the thought of completely falling apart can be scary and overwhelming. Some people wait to do this in the privacy of their own home and others cannot manage to regulate this overwhelming feeling and it just happens. No matter the way you feel emotions surrounding the loss, it is important to feel them because burying them is going to be counterproductive.

Some people find comfort in being able to talk about it, and others are more comfortable with grieving in private. Grief can be very isolating and no matter if you benefit from talking with others about your loss or not, it is important to at least try to connect with others. That could be meeting for coffee, dinner, or doing some sort of enjoyable activity.

I know many people who have gone through loss and talking about it really helps. I can think of one person specifically who needed to talk about it a lot. Other people became frustrated with how consuming it was for so long, but I knew it helped her to repeat the same stories and talk about it often. I have found that for her it was part of how she grieved, so be patient with yourself and others.

Some people find going to a support group to be helpful. There are many grief and loss groups available for grief and loss, especially specific to certain kinds of loss like suicide, cancer, and issues related to mental health, among others. When you have been through loss, sometimes finding people who are also going through this can be such a support and can let you know you are not alone.

In many cases, seeking professional help is good idea, as well. Working with a counselor can help you monitor your grief. This also allows you to have somebody to confide in who is not in your personal life, a safe outlet. Some people can also slip into a depression while grieving. Having a professional there to help is going to be important.

What Does Scripture Tell Us?

There are times that we feel like we are walking alone and that we cannot feel God’s presence. Scripture tells us otherwise. Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted.” It is also said in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

God is with us during all of our seasons but it is up to us to seek Him during ALL times. This does not mean that He takes away every hurt we have, but that we will never have to walk alone, and that is a great gift.

On a Personal Note

On December 3, 2015, I lost my father. He had been sick with Lewy Body Dementia for about four years. His dementia was fast progressing and he originally lived at home with my stepmother. She eventually had to get in-home care until he needed to be transferred to a 24-hour nursing home. I talk about this because my grief was significantly different from others people’s grief after losing a parent.

My parents divorced when I was about four years old. My dad had a few different wives and I never lived with him. The two of us were not very close. He was a police officer with a busy schedule and I was a busy kid myself.

It wasn’t until I moved back to Seattle in 2011 after getting my undergraduate degree that he was diagnosed. At that time I made a real effort to spend time with him. By that time, he was not very responsive and had stopped talking.

During graduate school I spent every Friday with him and my stepmom. Then after I graduated, I spent my Sundays at the nursing home. One day while I was at work I got the phone call that he was no longer swallowing or drinking. He was going to die in the next week.

At that time I panicked, but did not feel much until the day I stood at his bed, holding his hand as he passed. I was sad, of course. I was confused with how I should be feeling. I wanted to be a support to my stepmom but did not find myself crying or having huge sadness.

In retrospect, I was still in shock. However, I judged myself and second guessed myself. I looked at my friends who lost parents and saw something significantly different. I realized I was mourning the loss of what “could be,” not the loss of what it was. What I mean here is that I was not close to my Dad and I was mourning that I would never be close to him, we would not have that father-daughter relationship.

The moment I stopped putting pressure on myself to feel a certain way was when my healing began. His funeral was December 31st and was extremely helpful for me, but I know that is not everyone’s experience.

I feel the moment we can stop telling ourselves how we should feel and actually just trust our process is when we can really start to work through the grief. The grief will then change and evolve over time. The loss will be forever, but our grief and feelings will change.

Final Thoughts

If you are going through a loss, know that you are not alone and that however you decide to work through the loss you had will be perfect and individualized for yourself. If you need to talk to others, talk. If you need alone time, be alone. If you need professional help, reach out to a therapist. There is no perfect way to do this. There are no instructions set in stone. Just allow the process and seek comfort in God.