How Setting Boundaries Can Save Your Relationship

Before getting into this article on setting boundaries, the term “boundary” first needs to be discussed. Many assume boundaries are unloving defenses intended to create distance rather than relationship. In reality, boundaries aren’t as much about keeping others out as keeping yourself in. It’s not about keeping others out, as much as it is about defining who you are and what you think.

You can choose to think about boundaries like barricades and fortifications keeping others out, and that’s how many people use boundaries in an unhealthy manner. However, a better way to think of healthy boundaries is as geographic markers, like state lines.

A state line doesn’t keep the other state out. That would be silly to tell California, “You are rude for keeping Nevada out.” It’s easy to recognize that’s a silly notion because the boundary lines simply designate what state is which. So, boundaries aren’t aggressive or designed to keep people out. Instead, they are self-definitions.

What is aggressive is when people try to change the boundary lines. Many wars have been fought over trying to take over someone else’s territory and that will likely be true in your life as other people attempt to change your boundary lines by force.

Many Christians seem to have adopted the idea that boundaries are inherently negative. Somehow Christianity has come to define love as having no boundaries. If someone asks you for your shirt, you give it to them. If someone slaps you on one cheek, then you should offer them the other.

Do verses like these mean you can’t stand up for yourself? Or that setting boundaries is sinful? A careful, holistic reading of Scripture reveals that while there will be moments when Christians need to sacrifice and let things go, that doesn’t mean Christians can’t or shouldn’t live with boundaries. Boundaries are talked discussed regularly in the Bible and even Jesus had His boundaries.

What does the Bible say about setting boundaries?

While many Christians are quick to point to verses about love, sacrifice, and being selfless in defense of their “boundaryless” lives, they choose to skip over a whole heap of verses that teach Christians to practice discernment when it comes to their personal life. Setting boundaries is important in order for love in relationships to be true, genuine, and purely motivated.

For example, Proverbs 25:16 says, “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” This one can’t get any clearer. If you think showing up at your neighbor’s house unannounced and uninvited is your right as a member of the Christian community, the Bible says otherwise. It implies that if you overstep your neighbor’s boundaries, then he will hate you, and it will be your fault! That’s a clear example of living within healthy boundaries.

Proverbs 26:4 (ESV) says, “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself.” This one is a little more nuanced. Many Christians feel the need to respond in kind to anyone who talks to or approaches them. While it’s good to be aware that God can bring you into contact with someone anywhere and at any time, you should be careful of how you speak to them so that you don’t end up imitating their foolish ways.

If someone comes up talking foolishness (gossip, slander, lies, arrogance, vulgarity, i.e.), you are not obligated to engage them. You don’t have to feel guilty for choosing to hold up a boundary and not give them your attention, especially if it is going to negatively affect you. The Bible says this type of behavior can help protect you from becoming a fool yourself.

On the other hand, the very next verse, Proverbs 26:5 (ESV) reads, “Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” There are times and places when it is appropriate to respond to a fool to keep him or her from thinking of themselves as wise. Folly should be pointed out and biblical boundaries defended.

Furthermore, Jesus was known for setting boundaries. He would regularly take time away from people, even when they were looking for Him, to go and be alone with the Father. If He felt the need to live up to everyone’s expectations of Him, He would never have had time to be alone with God. The same is true for us.

In another passage, Jesus makes His boundaries abundantly clear. In John 2:24, “But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people.” This passage is amazing and too often completely overlooked. At this point in His ministry, Jesus was gaining acclaim, and many people believed in Him.

He was reaching the status of a celebrity, but rather than live up to His followers’ expectations and doing what they thought He should do, He chose to withhold Himself from them, maintaining His boundaries.

Biblical boundaries can save your relationship

By now it should be clear that boundaries are not unloving or unbiblical. Instead, they are powerful tools to protect you and the people you love. It’s important to take this seriously because choosing not to live with boundaries can damage your relationship. Let’s look at two examples of how setting boundaries can protect you and your relationship.

In marriage

Imagine being married to someone. The marriage started great, but now work and stress are creating regular conflicts, and those conflicts are not pretty. After one of these conflicts, you notice that your partner has a pattern of cursing during your fights, which only makes you angrier because you feel belittled and demeaned. To communicate that to your partner, you may say something like:

“The Bible tells us to ‘Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.’ (Eph. 4:29, ESV) So, from now on, if either of us curses during a conflict, could we please take a break and wait until we can discuss it more civilly? This would also give us time to go to God in prayer and repentance.”

The point is not to give an ultimatum to your partner or stonewall them, instead, you must lovingly and gently point them to God’s established boundaries so you can move through the conflict more effectively. But remember, the street goes both ways. Both partners will need to be willing to recognize and honor those boundaries. Setting boundaries in relationships is designed to strengthen your bond, not damage it.

In family

While the image of the perfect family reunion with everyone gathered around a campfire is propagated as the American dream, anyone who has experienced toxic in-laws knows that it doesn’t always work out like that. If you have a great relationship with your extended family, then that’s amazing.

However, many people don’t get to experience this, and one of the main difficulties is establishing your boundaries as a new family, differentiating from your family of origin. Unfortunately, many parents don’t understand the “leave and cleave” discussed in Genesis.

Parents overstepping boundaries can put serious tension and stress on you and your spouse. Examples of parents overstepping boundaries are things like constant communication when you’ve asked for space and inappropriate questions regarding topics like your finances or sex life.

If you don’t put down clear boundaries, these intrusions can lead to serious conflict in your marriage. Setting boundaries with your family isn’t unloving, it’s biblical.

Next steps

While many Christians assume setting boundaries is inherently unloving, that isn’t the case. The Bible lays out clear and thorough examples of how to live with healthy boundaries. Unlike what many think, these boundaries work to foster better, healthier relationships.

A lack of boundaries can create significant issues because, without them, you can lose a definite sense of who you are. The goal of any relationship isn’t to become completely absorbed into another, abandoning your sense of self. That’s what living without boundaries does.

Losing your identity, feelings, and dreams are seen as closeness. Giving up your ability to choose is perceived as love. Sadly, many have lost sight of what love is and instead have become satisfied with codependency in exchange for true intimacy.

Learn more about setting boundaries in a healthy way and find support from a Christian counselor in our online directory. Contact our reception team today to schedule an appointment.