The “Five Whys” of Relationship Help

“I just don’t understand why you don’t…” “Why do you always…?!?!”

“I don’t know why it bothers me so much when you…”

“How come we keep having this same problem again and again?”

“It seems like we’ve talked around this issue and we’re never going to be able to come to a resolution!”

Have you ever said these types of statements to your spouse, roommate, child, co-worker, or partner? These are often heard when couples come in for relationship help.

Getting to the root cause of relationship issues sometimes feels impossible. It can feel especially daunting when trivial things have piled up to become a big issue. Sometimes all we need is a new technique or a fresh way to view problem-solving to get the issue resolved.

In this article, I’m going to introduce you to a method called “The Five Whys” that you can use to get to the root of problems. It works great for interpersonal relationships and can be used for personal reflection as well.

What Is “The Five Whys”?

This is a problem-solving technique many businesspeople may be familiar with. However, those in the counseling and therapeutic world are finding it helpful too. Sakichi Toyoda from Toyota created it to approach problems. Toyota began using it in the 1930s and still uses it today! Don’t worry, you don’t have to have a vehicle problem to use this method. It can fit in any industry and works well for interpersonal and relationship problems.

At its most basic, the “Five Whys” is asking why five times. The point of this exercise is to get to the root cause of the problem. Often, we only ask “why” once and then give up or walk away from the conversation. This method works for the most basic issue of “Why do you always leave your laundry next to the hamper instead of in it?” to “Why do we have such a tough time living within our means with our finances?”

Asking why five times can be a bit difficult. It requires a lot of personal reflection and thought – especially when using it for relationship help. Everyone involved needs to be willing to do soul searching and personal reflection. The benefits are incredible and well worth any discomfort.

Using The Five Whys for Relationship Help

Before you work through your steps, lay ground rules. A good rule to consider is that if this exercise progresses into a fight, you walk away and come back to it calmer. Another rule you may wish to consider is not answering for the other person, accusing, or placing blame.

Determining your ground rules before working the “whys” will help make this a more successful process and improve communication. Set your rules each time, they may vary as you work through this method.

Step 1: Identify the issue.

Write it down – you’ll write through the entire process. Remember, you can choose anything from a big ongoing issue to something small. It could be a pressing problem or something that keeps coming up and you’ve been unable to resolve it thus far.

Step 2: Ask “Why?”

This first why probably won’t get you very far. This is the point. We almost always stop after the first why. Write down the answer to the first why under the problem.

Step 3: Ask “Why?” four more times.

Yes, you may feel like a toddler who asks why too much, trust the process. Write the “why” to the previous answer down underneath it.

Step 4: Determine whether this got to the root of the problem.

Sometimes you may need to do “The Seven Whys” or “The 10 Whys,” though five is the most common and usually you’ll be to the root cause by “Why” number 5. Now
that you have your root cause, you can resolve the problem and creating whatever changes need to happen!

Examples of the “Five Whys” in action

This method can be used for a variety of problems and in between individuals, groups, teams, or alone. Below are a few examples of how this might look:

Problem: A spouse keeps coming home late from work.

1: Why were you home late from work?

I lost track of time.

2: Why did you lose track of time?

I got to chatting with Sarah on our way out the door.

3: Why were you chatting with Sarah?

We hardly ever see each other anymore except in the parking lot.

4: Why don’t you see each other anymore?

She moved to a different part of the office when she got promoted.

5: Why is it hard to see her during the day in this part of the office?

We got so used to seeing each other regularly when she was at the desk next to me that we took it for granted. Now we don’t bump into each other except when we’re talking out the door.

The couple has identified the problem. If they’d stopped at “I lost track of time” then the same issue would have happened next time they bumped into Sarah on the way to the parking lot.

Now they can figure out a solution such as meeting up for lunch, taking a walk on their coffee break together, or meeting up outside of work to catch up. The spouse can communicate with Sarah that they need to get home on time and figure out a better time to meet when the conversation can be more in-depth.

Problem: A child struggles with getting their laundry into the hamper.

1: Why don’t you put your laundry in the hamper?

I don’t know, I just don’t.

(At this point, usually, the parent would get frustrated and lecture the kid for the millionth time about putting their laundry in the hamper and walk away from the conversation. This time, we ask why again.)

2: That’s not an answer. Why don’t you put your laundry in the hamper?

I guess I don’t see a point.

3: Why don’t you see a point?

Because I don’t care if my clothes are on the floor or in the hamper.

4: Why don’t you care; don’t you want a clean room?

Not really, you want me to have a clean room and my clothes get cleaned anyway.

5: Why do your clothes get cleaned anyway?

Because you pick them up off the floor and wash them so there’s no point in putting them in the hamper when they get washed either way.

The root cause has been determined. The frustrated parent was scooping the laundry up off the floor to wash it. The child didn’t see a point in putting the laundry in the hamper since it ended up washed either way. Now the family can set laundry rules.

As you can see, this is a great tool for interpersonal conflict. As you guessed, Toyota developed it to help with product troubleshooting and diagnostics. It can just as easily be used to figure out why the light on the porch seems to burn out all the time, how you’re going through shampoo so quickly, or what’s going on with a medical or health issue! It’s a versatile tool to have in your tool kit, particularly for relationship help.

If you feel like you could use a third party for additional relationship help, feel free to reach out and we can go through these “whys” together in the office. This could be especially helpful for a heated subject or ongoing struggle you may be having.