Examples and Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is a terrible way to be treated. It can be just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse but is more subtle. Since it is hard to detect the signs of emotional abuse on your own, a qualified Christian counselor can be a great help to you. Your counselor can teach you how to break free from the abuse you are experiencing and choose the freedom you have in Christ.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

In healthy relationships, there is a give-and-take dynamic. But in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser seeks power over the victim. The abuser is intensely self-absorbed and only thinks about what benefits himself. Emotional abusers treat others like objects rather than the individuals they are, who have thoughts, feelings, and choices to make.

Trauma bonding is one of the dynamics in an emotionally abusive relationship. The abuser sometimes acts with good, kind, loving behavior to hook the victim. But most of the time the abuser uses negative behaviors to keep the victim dependent and under control. The victim is confused and traumatized by these repetitive cycles, and she may accept responsibility for things that aren’t her fault.

Emotional abusers attempt to transfer blame to their victims. A victim will begin second-guessing herself due to the abuser’s manipulation. She may believe if she just did more, the relationship could change, but since the relationship is diseased by emotional abuse, greater effort on her behalf will likely not help. The only thing that has hope of changing an emotionally abusive relationship is the grace of God experienced through repentance and faith.

Examples of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse exists in all kinds of relationships. It cuts across the lines of gender, age, race, class, religion, and ethnicity, and can be found in marriages, families, friendships, workplaces, churches, and more. Here are some examples of emotional abuse in different situations.

Marriage

A wife never knows what mood her husband will be in when he gets home from work. She walks on eggshells, not knowing what to expect. Many evenings, he is detached and distant from her but may explode without warning, over insignificant matters.

Parenting

A daughter feels burdened by a constant stream of criticism from her mother. She feels like she will never live up to her mother’s expectations. The daughter longs for love from her mother but also despises her mother’s endless criticism.

Elder Abus

An elderly father allows his adult son to manage his finances and property. But the son withholds important information from his father. He says his father is incapable of understanding how to handle the finances, though the father’s cognitive skills are still sharp. The father is concerned that the son is using his finances to make selfish and irresponsible decisions.

Dating

A woman’s boyfriend is pleasant to her if his desires, needs, and preferences are met. But if she speaks up for what she wants, even in small things, he gives her the silent treatment. To open communication again, she must apologize for things she doesn’t even feel are wrong.

Workplace

An aspiring executive is willing to work hard while climbing the corporate ladder. But her boss gives her the work of two people and continues to ask for more. Her boss also makes critical marks about the executive in meetings and undermines her position at every opportunity.

Church

A church committee member is in denial about her controlling tendencies. She tends to blame others when confronted and uses passive aggression to divide people into factions. She gossips about the church leadership and refuses to cooperate with others.

These situations of abuse are hard to spot inside relationships. The abusers are intentionally subtle to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they prefer to cast blame on their victims.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abusers are groomers at the beginning of their relationships. They will act with warmth, kindness, and love to lure victims before using their signature controlling tactics. The abuser will return to this “love bombing” stage throughout the relationship to keep the victim under his control.

If you notice any of the following signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, it’s a good idea to connect with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can help you understand how emotional abuse is affecting you.

Denial

One of the key signs of emotional abuse is that abusers will always deny the truth, even when hard evidence is stacked against them. They are invested in the narrative that nothing is their fault. Their lies are intended to make their victims feel off-balance.

Blame

The opposite side of denial is blame, and abusers are adept at finding ways to blame everything on someone else. They will blame their own actions, thoughts, moods, feelings, and choices on the victim, failing to see how ridiculous they are being.

Withdrawal

Abusers often detach from victims with the silent treatment. This type of withdrawal is intended to get the victim to take responsibility, so the abuser does not need to take steps to re-establish communication. Intimacy is nearly impossible to achieve in situations of frequent withdrawal.

Lack of cooperation

Emotional abusers tend to resist cooperating with normal requests from their victims. When an abuser is asked to help with chores, get a job, go to counseling, or enter rehab, the victim will be met with defensiveness, blame, and stonewalling. A lack of cooperation creates an imbalance of power because the victim may over-function in the wake of the abuser’s unwillingness.

Accusations

Often, abusers will make false accusations that implicate their victims. They may accuse their victims of misusing time, money, and other relationships without any real basis. False accusations cause the victim to question reality. They keep her off-center, which is the abuser’s goal.

Withholding

Abusers try to keep the upper hand in their relationships by withholding information, approval, affection, money, or other things the victim needs. Withholding can increase throughout the relationship, which will destroy any trust the victim has in the abuser.

Discounting feelings, needs, and opinions

Selfishness is another key sign of emotional abuse. They need to feel like their positions, opinions, thoughts, feelings, and needs are more important than those of others. The abuser may talk about his own feelings but not listen to the victim’s feelings, because in his mind, her feelings aren’t as important.

Threats

False or real threats are another tool in the abuser’s arsenal to keep the victim under control. He will threaten to withdraw financial support, bring her sanity into question, destroy her property, cut her off from family, or more tactics. The abuser may never carry out the threats but use them to keep the victim emotionally hostage.

Ridicule and name-calling

The abuser’s sense of humor is always at the victim’s expense. He will ridicule her in front of others and use name-calling as an abuse tactic, always downplaying his role. If she objects, he will say she is being too sensitive and doesn’t know how to take a joke. But this kind of treatment is abusive, not humorous.

Angry outbursts

Angry outbursts are one of the abuser’s favorite tools against the victim. He uses them to manipulate her, because she shrinks from his loud, reactive, and perhaps physically violent actions. His angry outbursts can occur at any time over any trigger. They destroy peace and create hostility on both sides.

Contempt

Contempt enters an abuser’s mind and heart through his constant ruminations over his victim’s real or perceived faults. It is a form of disgust, and it is often the kiss of death for the relationship. Contempt can plant seeds of malice and violence in the abuser, which could lead to criminal activity.

Destroying objects

To maintain control, abusers often destroy objects that are important to the victim. Their defacing or trashing techniques cause fear, heartache, and suffering for the victim, who may not have any recourse. The destruction of property obliterates trust in the relationship.

Gaslighting and extortion

Gaslighting is a way the abuser attempts to get the victim to believe the truth is a lie, or the lie is the truth. Extortion subdues and traps the victim. These severe manipulations can cause the victim to feel like she is going crazy when in truth the problem lies with the abuser.

Christian Counseling for Emotional Abuse

Since emotional abuse is such a complex web of relationship problems, it’s wise to seek wisdom and perspective from a professional. A compassionate Christian counselor can help you unravel the confusing tangles of your relationship and grasp the truth, especially that God loves you and will help you find freedom. If you need help overcoming the complications of being in a relationship with an emotional abuser, please reach out to us today.