I Am Angry: What Now?

You might have uttered these words (or thought them): “I am angry.” So, how do you know what to do next?

Maybe it was something your spouse did but forgot to run by you. Or perhaps one of your children failed to do something they said they would. It could be a work-related trigger: a sudden deadline, a criticism from a co-worker, or a pay cut. Whatever the anger triggers, believe it or not, it’s what follows that matters.

Here’s what comes next.

“I am angry” receives acknowledgement

We sometimes think our best recourse when a negative emotion pops up is to ignore it. We scroll through our phone, find a snack, jump in the car to leave, or turn on the television. But these are simply distractions from what’s essential about the anger we feel: admitting it.

Admitting to yourself, “I am angry,” is the kindest way to move forward. First, research indicates that acknowledging your negative emotions leads to fewer negative emotions. You’re essentially telling yourself that anger is simply where you’re at right now, and you don’t need to react.

It’s like grabbing a map and finding the You Are Here square at the local shopping mall. There’s no shame in finding out where you are.

If you get into a pattern that communicates that negative emotions and thoughts are a part of life, you’re setting yourself up for a healthy habit. Here’s why. When you’re able to recognize the validity of negative emotions as part of a whole, authentic experience, you can also accept yourself fully without judgment. Then, you can move on to the next step.

Reflection is essential

Second, after you’ve acknowledged how you feel, you can consider what to do next. It may seem clear what your next step is, but now that you know what you’re feeling is anger, do you know why?

Evaluate what led to your anger and recognize that your anger may be deeper than the actual trigger. For example, if you found out that your spouse made a large purchase with the tax refund, anger may arise because you and your spouse have had trust issues in the past.

Perhaps you prefer to control the financial well-being of your household (which could stem from a lack of financial control in your family of origin), or you feel left out and neglected by your spouse since they didn’t discuss the purchase with you.

The second step is to ask yourself a question that helps you reflect on your anger. You can even have a fill-in-the-blank on your journal page: I am angry because____ and complete the sentence. Then, ask yourself if that complete sentence tells the whole story.

Here is another example. If your sentence says something like, “I am angry because my son promised to take out the trash and clean his room, and he didn’t,” you may want to ask a follow-up question.

• Why does this make me angry?
• Is it because I feel like the cleanliness of his room is a reflection of me as a parent?
• Is it that my expectations weren’t met, and now I feel like the entire weight of our household chores fall on me?

Consider what is beneath the anger and take some time to write about it if you can. If you’re driving or you don’t have time right now, open the recording app on your phone and talk freely. When we’re able to voice our emotions and distinguish between the emotional trigger and what’s beneath it, we’re on our way to releasing it.

Let anger teach you

Third, don’t fixate on the ins and outs of why you’re angry and try to solve it. For instance, if you are angry because of a relational conflict, you don’t have to fix it all right now. In fact, you might not be able to fix all of it. Instead, focus on what you can learn from your anger. It can be cognitively reframed to help you recognize when you’re making a quick assessment.

In the example of a child who didn’t do the chores as promised, your anger may make you realize you’re jumping to a conclusion. If there’s a compassionate reason behind one or more of the chores being left undone, you’ll know to ask questions and remain curious. This is beneficial in and of itself, even if there isn’t a logical reason for the undone chores. Still, you’ll have gained an emotional regulatory skill that benefits you in the long term.

Instead of ruminating on why you’re upset or your expectations weren’t met, you can look for what the emotion is trying to communicate. That is the role that all emotions, whether we feel them as negative or positive, have in our lives. They tell us to pay attention.

Recognizing anger as a means of paying attention is a gift. You might need a few minutes to receive it as such, but the more often you recognize emotions as a communication tool, the better. You will be more likely to develop the positive habit of seeing what’s beneath the emotion rather than letting it distract you, lead you to cope in unhealthy ways, or place additional stress on relationships.

Ask for help

Another helpful step in knowing how to respond to anger is finding a counselor who can help you assess its function in your life.

Everyone gets angry. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. But not everyone responds to anger with unhealthy coping mechanisms or by raising their voice at anyone who will listen. This is why some drivers have road rage while others don’t. Sure, it’s frustrating when another driver cuts in front of you, but it doesn’t send everyone into an angry explosion that leads to reckless driving.

Having someone in your life who is a trained, licensed professional will help. They can give you confidence in areas where anger has taken you down paths you’d prefer not to go down. If you wish your anger could be better managed on a regular basis, or if you’ve made some mistakes due to anger before, let an outsider in.

Admitting to someone else, “I am angry,” is a vulnerable thing to do, but it’s also a healthy sign that you’re open to change. Being open to change means you are willing to be transformed by integrating new behavioral and relational tools into your everyday life.

A trained counselor will never judge you or shame your actions. His or her role is to help you gain perspective that’s difficult to see on your own. Everyone has blind spots, and anger may be covering some of yours. As you convey how you’re doing, a counselor can give you objective feedback based on compassionate care, aligning with your priorities.

Most people don’t set out to be angry, bitter, or resentful. Working through your negative emotions as they happen is a route toward forgiveness, freedom, and healthy relationships. You’ll be able to learn what your anger triggers are, some ways to cope with them that are beneficial and kind, and learn new habits to further your desire to be your best self.

In His kindness, the Bible tells us, God leads us to repentance. (Romans 2:4) This means that He not only sees when we are angry, but He highlights it so we’re aware of it. Why? So we can turn from unhelpful patterns to helpful ones.

While anger itself isn’t sinful, sometimes we cope with it through sinful habits. Any coping mechanism you might be using that ignores your love for God and doesn’t invite authenticity is just delaying what you likely already know: I am angry. Avoiding the emotion isn’t going to help. Instead, it can make anger more complex to manage.

Setting yourself up to manage anger in a healthy way will not be easy. It also won’t change overnight, particularly if it’s been a lifelong struggle. However, taking the steps to acknowledge it, reflect on why you’re angry, recognize what you can control or reframe, and find a trusted counselor to walk alongside you are all hope-filled ways to turn a new corner.

If you’d like to be matched with a counselor from one of our offices, we’re happy to help. Contact an office near you.