3 Ways Husbands Can Rebuild Marital Trust After Their Porn Addiction

Part 3 in a How Pornography Affects the Family Series

Painful Ripple Effects

Healthy marriages are built on a secure foundation of trust. When a husband has done well in preserving the trust in his marriage, he contributes to the ongoing basis by which his wife is able to wholly rely upon his love and commitment to her. The moment he discloses or his wife discovers that he is dealing with a pornography addiction this trust is broken. This loss of trust often creates painful ripple effects which are felt in all areas of their marriage. Married couples in such instances immediately find themselves faced with the dilemma of having to rebuild the foundation of trust between them. This article specifically addresses how a husband can rebuild trust in his marriage after having disclosed their struggle with a pornography addiction or other form of sexual addiction.

(#1) Be Willing to Do Whatever It Takes

One of the most important things a husband can do as part of the trust rebuilding process, is to show his wife that he is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome his pornography addiction. For many husbands, this will include:

• Starting the counseling process. This may initially involve both individual and couples counseling in order to address the addiction and begin the work necessary to rebuild the marriage.
• Particpating in a 12-step sexual addiction recovery group for men.
• Avoiding further relapses.
• Becoming accountable to a trusted male friend or family member.
• Placing a proven internet and accountability software filter on their smartphone, tablet, and computer or restricting access to these devices altogether.
• Making a diligent effort to provide the type of support specifically being requested by their spouse (e.g., being more present around the home, talking about the addiction, getting rid of their smartphone, etc.).

A husband who readily begins taking action to address their addiction, and who consistently presents with an unwavering willingness to do so, provides his wife with a level of assurance that the process of change has at the very least started. A husband who engages the recovery process from this perspective also helps their spouse start the very difficult process of bringing down their emotional walls which serve as a basis for their own self-protection. However, a husband who wavers in their willingness to do whatever it takes, further reinforces their spouse’s need to maintain their emotional walls and makes it increasingly difficult for them to trust again.

(#2) Engage the Battle to Reclaim Her Heart

Men who are seeking to recover from a pornography addiction have two primary battles taking place at the same time. One is a fight to reclaim their own sense of identity, to renew their minds, and to overcome the symptoms of the addiction. The second is to reclaim the heart of their spouse, which has been deeply wounded emotionally by the addiction. Both battles are vitally important, yet I want to focus here on how husbands can wage this second battle since it is a significant component of the trust building process.

A husband begins to reclaim the heart of their wife when they express a consistent willingness to do whatever it takes to overcome their pornography addiction. They make further inroads to reclaiming her heart, and to regaining her trust, when they proactively:

• Make time to listen to what she is going through emotionally.
• Frequently affirm her value and worth.
• Stay present in difficult conversations related to the addiction and refuse to run from her hurt and frustration when it is expressed.
• Tenderly reassure her that every endeavor to protect them and care for her will be made in the recovery process.
• Have an open dialogue with her about any progress or setbacks experienced in the recovery process.

The degree to which a husband remains sensitive to what his wife is going through emotionally will largely determine how quickly she is able to trust again and believe that true change has occurred in him since the addiction was revealed.

(#3) Be Consistent Over Time

If there is anything I would emphasize aside from what I’ve already mentioned, it would be how important it is for a husband to remain consistent in his efforts, over the long haul, to overcome the pornography addiction and to reclaim the heart of their spouse. A primary reason is that there are very few things their wife will be able to hold onto as a basis for trusting again, aside from his actions. Words alone will most likely carry very little weight in her mind, especially in cases when he lied to her or kept her in the dark about his addiction. As a result, she has to evaluate his actions over time for evidence as to whether he will be trustworthy again.

Starting the Counseling Process

Effectively working through the damaging effects of a pornography addiction is very difficult and often requires the help of a professional counselor. As a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, a signficant part of my clinical practice centers on helping husbands and their wives work through the overall effects of a pornogaphy addiction, and also make inroads to rebuilding the trust and emotional security they desire to experience in their marriage. For more information on my clinical practice, and on how you can start the counseling process, please go to seattlechristiancounseling.