4 Ways to Improve a Codependent Friendship

Adult friendships can be one of the most important aspects of our lives. Having a friend who “sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24) is a luxury that few may experience in adult life.

However, occasionally there is a friend who is demanding, complicated, and consuming, which leaves us feeling drained. Simply walking away may not feel like an option, but neither does remaining seem sustainable. This phenomenon is called codependency in friendships.

What is codependency?

The term was first coined in the 1940s, in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous. The idea was developed from research to help people cope with their loved one’s substance abuse. Today, it is being used to explain the many different types of dysfunctional relationships. These are relationships where one party contributes sacrificially to a relationship without it being reciprocated by the other party. It has also been termed relationship addiction.

The giver tends to bend over backward, while the taker continues to make demands. In a friendship, these are situations where one friend feels needed and hence always gives. However, the other friend never tries to do the same, or at least not at the same level. The friend that gives ends up feeling used, drained, unappreciated, and sometimes resentful toward their friend but also knows they benefit from the feeling of being needed.

What does a co-dependent friendship look like?

According to Dr. Exelbert and Dr. Mayfield, codependency in friendships can look like the following:

• Placing a person on a pedestal, while ignoring some things that would demerit this position of honor
• Struggling to find time to devote to self-care; all your free time is invested in the friendship
• Realizing that all your interests and hobbies perfectly match your friend’s interests
• Not being able to say no to your friend, even if it means participating in something you are uncomfortable with
• Constantly withholding your thoughts or opinions from them, lest they feel uncomfortable
• Being the first one to apologize, even when no apologies were necessary
• Sympathizing with your friend, even when they were the ones to cause harm
• Constantly feeling the need to check in with your friend or even ask their permission to perform daily tasks
• Making excuses for and covering up your friend’s bad behavior.

What are the risks of a codependent friendship?

By constantly going above and beyond to meet the needs of the taker, the giver expends their energy and resources in the friendship. This results in them feeling drained and often resentful. Being afraid of confrontation, the giver might internalize the frustration, along with all the fears. This may result in “blowing up” at some point.

In another friendship, the taker may be more aggressive in their tactics to elicit care from their giving friend. They may be controlling and manipulative, jealous of time and attention. If the giver is a more confrontational person, this dynamic could result in many conflicts, with a strong desire by both persons to be needed being the only connective tissue holding the friendship together.

One of the most common results of codependency in friendships is that both parties lose their sense of identity. This happens gradually over time and through many established routines and rhythms together. Without enough alone time or pursuit of interests outside of the friendship, one or both participants may experience a sense of emptiness and incompletion when they are alone.

This can be problematic. What happens when one party wants to pursue a romantic relationship or even marriage? What about when one’s career makes excessive demands, reducing time for friendship?

In a healthy friendship, it is natural and greatly beneficial to seek advice regarding potentially life-changing decisions. In a codependent friendship, any change whatsoever is seen as a threat. What does this mean ultimately? It means both friends cannot grow, change, or progress in life without the other. This is problematic.

What can be done?

It is always good practice to remember that you cannot change someone else. The healthiest change you can generate in your life begins with yourself. Taking stock of your participation in such a friendship – whether as a giver or taker or both – requires honesty and bravery.

A codependent friendship cannot change overnight; there is a need for patience with oneself. Going through a checklist, like the one in this article, maybe a good first step to take. Once you have an idea of the extent to which you have been complicit in fostering this type of friendship, you will start a journey of improvement.

Here are some things to consider doing:

Seek Some Distance Begin turning your free time into me time so that you can check in with yourself. Creating some distance will teach you to enjoy your own company and train you to seek other things outside the friendship. This might be scary at first, but practice makes perfect.

Spend the weekend doing those tasks you have been putting off. Simple things like laundry, housework, and cooking can be helpful to give you some time to yourself. You might want to pamper yourself and practice some self-care. The goal here is to begin doing things that will benefit you.

You may also want to pursue a hobby that you have not done with your friend. This will be your thing. You do not have to include your friend in every aspect of your life, and having a new hobby will also lead to new friends with mutual interests in other areas of life.

Prioritize Yourself

Prioritizing yourself might feel selfish at first. This is because you are so used to being the one who serves others and worries about other people. The idea that it’s your turn to be looked after may seem foreign to you. Doing this will ensure that you are not feeling empty each time you are not worrying or serving someone else.

This is just a way to teach you that you matter, too. You are not being mean or unreasonable. These thought patterns need to be challenged for you to change harmful habits. When you prioritize yourself, you are allowing yourself to serve from a full tank. You are making sure you can help where you can, with what you have, and in the time you have available. This is not mean. Its self-kindness.

Practice Saying No

This is about boundaries. By not agreeing to everything that is demanded of you, especially when it makes you uncomfortable or drained, you will ensure that you are in control of your own life once again. Then you can make healthier choices.

A word of caution: saying “no” will expose the codependency in your friendship. Do it only if you are ready to confront and change the status quo. Your friend might be angered by you saying “no” at first, but we teach people how to treat us by what we allow. The more you communicate and maintain boundaries, the healthier your relationship will become.

Count the Cost

Some relationships might not survive these new changes. It is something you should consider before you start on the journey. Whenever we do something for ourselves and we are sure that it’s the right decision, we must be prepared for the losses that might come.

It’s not an easy journey, but one that can be freeing and empowering. If the friendship is lost and cannot be recovered, you will experience grief. It’s a normal response to loss, but that does not mean you made the wrong decisions.

Reaching out

As with all issues in life, a counselor can help you a great deal. A trained therapist will be able to walk you through these steps to freedom and healing. Not all unhealthy relationships are codependent, but all codependent relationships are unhealthy.

For this reason, finding a therapist who can help you identify the deeper issues you may be facing can make an enormous difference. They will also help you with realistic steps to take to find freedom and healing for yourself. If this is you and you need help, please contact our offices today. We will partner you with a licensed Christian therapist who will take the journey with you.