5 Tips for Parenting Teens and Improving Your Journey

Parenting teens is no easy task. Adults often remark at the challenge it can be as a teen to endure and survive adolescence. I know there is no amount of money someone could offer me to do my teen years over again. Adolescence can be brutal, and generally lasts from age eight to twenty-five.

But I would argue that it can be just as challenging, if not more challenging for the parents of those teens. Without any notice, you go from living with an adoring child to a stranger who views you as the enemy. The whole family must adjust as the teen struggles to find their footing in a new world. My hope is that the following article with provide some helpful tips for parents as they try to navigate this challenging stage of life with their children.

My tips include: Don’t take it personally, set healthy and realistic expectations, understand the purpose, encourage self-esteem, and the Eight Anchors for Adolescent Growth from Carl Pickhardt’s book, Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence. I can’t promise it will be easy, but by practicing the following tips you can reduce the stress adolescents have on you as the parent.

5 Tips for Parenting Teens

1. Don’t take it personally

In his book, Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence, Carl Pickhardt describes adolescence as the time when your dog becomes a cat. One day you’re happily enjoying the joy and companionship of your dog, and the next day you’re dealing with a testy cat who comes when it pleases and sulks in the corner.
Congratulations! You have now entered the teen years. One of the most important things to remember about this stage is not to take it personally. Carl Pickhardt states, “Because parenting is a position of partial influence, parents need to limit their sense of responsibility. They can never know enough. They cannot fully protect any more than they can fully prepare.”

It can be tempting, but it’s very important not to attach your worth to your child’s behaviors or success. Your worth as a parent does not equal your child. Assuming you need to be the perfect parent usually ends up meaning you need to produce a perfect child, which is an unfair expectation of yourself and your teen. Taking on the pressure of producing a perfect and happy child usually leaves parents feeling defeated, empty, and like a failure because children and teens will eventually face something challenging or upsetting that is outside your control.

One of the best things you can do for your child is to simply support and walk with them through these challenging years. Through reliance on God, your spouse, and other support systems, you can trust that you are doing your best, even when your teen might think otherwise. If a big part of the teen years is differentiating from family, enduring mood swings, and challenging authority, you as their parent will inevitably face some discomfort. You are not alone in this struggle.

2. Set healthy and realistic expectations

The temptation many parents face is to assume their sweet baby girl or boy will always act lovingly and enjoy the company of their parents. This may be true for a select few, but most teens will go through a phase of wanting distance from their parents and family of origin. Knowing that this transition is a natural part of growing up, it is important not to punish your child for acting like an adolescent. The moodiness, increased conflict, lack of communication, and defiance are all part of the growing process.

In his book, Pickhardt explains the five realities of the teen years. Unfortunately, these realities will be part of every parent’s experience in some shape or form. Beginning with ignorance, Pickhardt explains that during adolescence, a child becomes less open and communicative, leaving parents in the dark about certain details. You will also face estrangement as your teen is differentiating from the family and developing their own identity. This may include showing interest in new activities that are different from the family’s normal routine.

Another reality of adolescence is abandonment, which means less time with the family, often leaving the parents feeling lonely. Pickhardt also mentions control as a reality of adolescence: “The challenge for these parents is to accept that although they can’t control their son’s or daughter’s choices, they can inform them, asserting influence through communication they make and stands they take.”

Controlling your child’s choices and actions may have been easier in the past, but in the teen years it requires some adjustment on the part of the parents. Finally, Pickhardt points out the fifth reality of the teen years is conflict. It’s bound to be part of any household where a teen is present. Although these five realities might make you want to ship your teens to boarding school until they are 25, knowing what to expect can normalize the journey and help you feel more prepared.

3. Understand the purpose

There is a specific purpose for this season of life, believe it or not. The teen years are meant to help your child transition from dependence to independence. It is a gradual process of differentiating from parents and developing a sense of self and independence which will eventually allow them to live productive lives on their own. This might not be your favorite idea, but your role as parent is to prepare your child to become a successful and thriving adult, as well as love and enjoy them.

You may notice increased conflict during the teen years, which is meant to “broker increasing differences between you and your teen, a necessary part of how you get along.” This increased conflict is a chance for you and your teen to learn the difficult process of navigating disagreements and differing values. It may feel as though your teen is being defiant or challenging simply to be difficult, but it is all part of the process of becoming independent and developing a sense of self.

Transitions are hard for everyone. Think of the last time you had to endure a major transition in your life and how you felt in the midst of the change… probably uncomfortable, stressful, and even scary. Well, multiply that feeling times one hundred and you might get an idea of how your teen in feeling as they go through 10+ years of transitions. A little empathy can go a long way.

4. Encourage self-esteem in your teen

This tip is fairly simple: look for any opportunity to encourage or build up your adolescent. They will face moments of discouragement, loneliness, comparison, and disappointment on a regular basis. As their parent or guardian, you can be the one place they are lifted up and seen for their full potential. Find ways to share in their joys, join in activities they find enjoyable, and encourage their dreams. When I was growing up, my dad was an expert in this area. He never failed to show interest in the latest activity, game, or trend that caught my attention. Even if I eventually lost interest or failed to reach my goal, his support meant the world. Figure out what is important to your teen and join in!

5. Eight Anchors of Adolescent Growth

In his book, Pickhardt outlines the Eight Anchors for Adolescent Growth. These are a useful starting place for parents of teens who want to make tangible changes in the ways they are relating to and parenting their adolescent children.

1. Completing homework – Pickhardt describes homework as “work ethic training.” Homework is the perfect way to practice completing a daily task you don’t feel like doing. Time management and self-discipline are important tools teens need to be successful in the future.
2. Cleaning up your room – Regularly cleaning up a messy room, which is often a hallmark of the teen years, is a way for them to practice caring for themselves and their personal space, while respecting the rules of the household.
3. Doing chores – Chores represent the responsibilities required for being part of the family. Each member, more so the parents, play a role in caring for the home and maintaining its function. Pickhardt would argue that chores should be completed regularly without any form of payment or allowance.
4. Joining in family gatherings and events – This one is almost guaranteed to cause some groaning from your adolescent. Even when your teen would prefer to spend all their time with friends and peers, it is critical to remind them of the importance of family. This will offer a reminder of the lasting value of family and its significance over the values of peers.
5. Volunteering for community service – Regular community service encourages your teen to think outside themselves and see the value of putting others before themselves.
6. Saving money – Teaching your teen to manage their own money is a valuable skill. Although styles may vary between savers and spenders, there in an important lesson in showing restraint, making goals, and learning how to manage your natural tendency when it comes to spending.
7. Developing proficiency – Pickhardt states, “Developing proficiency of knowledge of skill nurtures confidence that many adolescence sorely need.” It is often up to the parents to encourage commitment to a certain skill and the development of confidence in that area. This could be a musical skill, sport, or artistic interest. Your teen will most likely want to give up at some point; that is when you step in to encourage and challenge your adolescent to keep going.
8. Relating to salient adults – This is another area I feel my parents succeeded. They ensured that I had loving, God-fearing adults in my life to pour into me and set an example. This is an important contrast to the regular influence of immature peers. Whether it is family friends, relatives, teachers, or leaders in the church, find some adults you respect and bring them around your children.

Parenting teens is a hilarious and exhausting process. Some days it might feel like it’s lasting forever, and other days it’s flying by. But no matter where you are in the journey, always remember to not take it personally, set healthy expectations, understand the purpose, encourage self-esteem, and find ways to establish the Eight Anchors of Adolescence.
My hope is that these five tips will help you make some positive changes in the way you approach your teen. If at any point you or your teen are in need of extra support, our team at Seattle Christian Counseling is ready to support you with any challenge you might be facing.