A Christian Counselor Talks about Grief and Loss (Part 2)

Part 2 of a 2-Part Grief and Loss Series

When someone close to us dies, grief grabs us by the throat and shatters our world into a million pieces. Some days it numbs us to the bone while other days it pierces our hearts and makes us want to scream. In my previous article, I said that grief and loss is a normal and natural part of life, but knowing that doesn’t remove the shock, pain, sadness or depression that it brings. In this article, I continue this discussion by looking at obstacles that can hinder the process of healing. I also provide a framework for grieving by considering William Worden’s Four Tasks of Healing.

Obstacles to Healing

Grief is often a misunderstood and neglected process. Because responding to grief is often awkward, uncomfortable, and even frightening, you may try to avoid dealing with grief. This can make the experience more lonely and unhappy than it might be otherwise. In addition, society promotes many misconceptions about grief that actually hinder the recovery and growth that are needed following such a loss. At a time of loss, those around you often believe it is necessary to change how you feel and may do so by making statements such as, “You must be strong,” “You must get on with your life,” or “It is good he didn’t have to suffer.” Such clichés may help the one who struggles for the right words but are rarely helpful to the one grieving. Society can also promote the misconception that the appropriate place to show emotions is at the funeral and that recovery should take place shortly afterward. When you are grieving you need to avoid others’ ways of minimizing your personal grief, and you need to be encouraged to recover in your own way.

The Four Tasks of Grief and Mourning

I have worked with clients who were grieving the death of a loved one. Often these clients wonder, “When will I be over this pain?” You need to recognize that grieving is a challenging experience and that the feelings that accompany grief are an essential part of the process. The grieving process, and the emotions that accompany it, help us come to terms with our loss and learn to integrate the meaning of the loss into our lives.

William Worden (1991) created Four Tasks of Grieving in order to help provide a framework for the grieving process. When someone you love dies, you do have your grief work cut out for you. And, make no mistake, the grieving process is one of the hardest jobs you will ever tackle. Grief will not go away on its own. You can try and ignore it, but grief is a stubborn companion. In the end, you must complete the following four tasks in order to complete the normal grieving process and heal a broken heart.

Accept the Reality of the Loss

When your loved one dies, the news of the death, even if it is expected, may bring shock and disbelief. The first task of grieving is to face the reality that the loved one is gone and will not return. As difficult as it may be, denying the facts of the loss, the meaning of the loss, or the reversibility of the loss serves to prolong the grieving process. Rituals such as a funeral are positive means to help you come to terms with the reality of your loss.

Work through the Pain and Loss

Once you allow yourself to accept the irreversibility of the loss, you may experience intense waves of emotion. From a variety of life experiences, I am too familiar with the sadness, anger, numbness, hurt, emptiness, depression, loneliness, and anxiety that accompany loss. It can be tempting to avoid these feelings, but allowing time and space to feel emotions will be helpful. Ask for the support of friends. Tell them what you need from them because people often misunderstand what you are going through. Please understand that the memory of your loved one will continue, but the pain will decrease over time and finally disappear.

Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing

This means different things to different people, depending on your relationship with the deceased. Gradually, you will start to resume your normal routine after the loss. It is possible you will feel some guilt, believing somehow that you are dishonoring the deceased by engaging in activities. If the deceased played a marginal role in your life, you may find this easy. But if the person was very close to you in your everyday life, you may feel as if you lost a part of yourself and this step will be more difficult. This adjustment usually takes place over time as you recognize the implications of the loss and come to terms with all the gaps that the death has created.

Emotionally Relocate the Deceased and Move On with Life

I have heard clients refer to this task as the “new normal.” I like this thought because it acknowledges that life will never be the same since the loss, but affirms that a new positive life is possible. This does not necessarily mean finding a new spouse, surrogate mother, etc. It does mean re-entering life without the loved one. You must learn to rebuild personal ways of satisfying your social, emotional and practical needs by developing new or different activities and relationships. This does not mean that you love him or her any less, or that you have dishonored the memory of the deceased. It simply recognizes there are other people and things to be loved and that you are capable of loving.

A Christian Counselor Can Help You Work Through Your Grief

I have been honored over the years to walk through the grieving process with hundreds of individuals and families. Of all the challenges I have witnessed in people’s lives, coping with grief is definitely one of the hardest. As a Christian counselor, I prayerfully attempt to be God’s instrument to accompany you as you work through your loss. If you have questions and would like to discuss the possibility of Christian counseling I would be honored to meet with you. Please feel free to contact us here.

 

References
Worden, J.W. (1991). Grief counseling and grief therapy: a handbook for the mental health practitioner, (2nd ed.). London: Springer.

Photos
Freedigitalphotos.net: “Decaying Roses” by Victor Habbick; “Male Crying” by David Castillo Dominici; “Tomb” by tiverylucky