Addressing Background Conversations that cause Communication Problems

If we are really honest with ourselves, we have all been there. In the middle of the conversation, the individual starts talking and your mind starts thinking, “Why can’t she understand that I’m hurt.  Aren’t they listening to a word I’m saying?”

The concept of communication consists of a sender and a receiver. It is the ability to listen, understand, and respond appropriately in a discussion. Makes great sense until the background static interrupts your ability to be present in the conversation. In other words, during interactions with others, your negative background conversation filled with numerous levels of emotions can disrupt meaningful connections with others. The negative background script kicks in when emotional triggers (positive or negative) are activated in a conversation. This article addresses some of the areas where your negative thought distortions interfere with transparency and self-image.

Interpersonal Conversations and Internal Scripts

Consider for a moment for every conversation there is a secondary conversation going on in the back of your mind.  If you were looking at a cartoon, there would be a little bubble over your head with what you are really thinking and feeling while talking with someone.  The background conversation becomes the filter through which you determine how you respond or behave.  Robert Leahy defines them as cognitive distortions.  Our beliefs, perceptions, and values activate a trail of images, which become the background noise that produce positive or negative distortions before the sender has an opportunity to defend or clarify his/her position.  Unspoken rules, rigid perceptions and unrealistic expectations are just a few areas that trigger negative scripts and destructive self-talk.

Unspoken Rules that Hinder Communication

Unspoken rules consist of unconscious “perceived levels of understanding or assumptions.” Thoughts that trigger “I should or they should” tend to have unspoken levels of understanding.  Example:  You are sitting with a good friend.  Your conversation turns to a subject of great sensitivity.  Your negative script kicks in.  “She should know this a touchy subject.  Why is she trying to hurt me?”    When you enter conversations with an all or nothing perspective, you tend to lose the opportunity to embrace the moment.  You miss out on an opportunity to learn the unique character of others without placing rules that hinder the conversation.  Unspoken rules block your ability to express what you need from someone.   Unspoken rules keep you up at night ruminating and replaying a previous conversation that produces anxiety and fear.

Rigid Perceptions that Lead to Negative Internal Scripts

Rigid perceptions trigger a negative background conversation that invades the critical part of your mind. Imagine that during a business meeting, you are drilled regarding your presentation. Immediately, part of your mind tells you that you are not good enough, or a complete failure. Or consider the last conversation with your girlfriend when she suggested that the breakup was about her, not you? Your mind explodes into thoughts of failure and inadequacy.

Negative background conversations impede your ability to find effective solutions for everyday stressors.  Rigid and unbinding ways of thinking make it difficult to have collaborative conversations.   Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who has tuned you out before the conversation has really begun?   His or her background conversation has placed a higher level of regard for their opinion over seeking to understand yours.    Rigid perceptions produce an atmosphere that someone has to win and someone has to lose.  Open your mind to positive interpretations of your environment.

Unrealistic Expectations that Filter Your Perception

Unrealistic expectations are standards you have applied to yourself or others that are unfair, inconsistent and negative.   Emotional filters that compare and label are activated in moments of fear, stress and uncertainty.  Unresolved emotional baggage becomes the filter through which your negative script will surface. The background self–talk can vary:

• How in the world does she get away with that?
• He has a lot of nerve giving me demands.
• Why do I feel so stupid?

According to Robert Mc Gee, author of Search for Significance, whether consciously, or unconsciously, all of us have experienced the “feeling that we must meet certain arbitrary standards to attain self-worth.” There are certain standards that we place on ourselves that we do not hold for others. The noise of a performance trap standard will keep you stuck on hearing only negative feedback instead of constructive feedback. When confronted with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty, consider whether the background conversation was activated by your emotions or attempts by someone to transfer emotional baggage to you. Give yourself permission to process new information.

Christian Counseling to Learn More About Internal Scripts

As you grow and learn about the background conversations the easier it comes to challenge distorted thoughts. The more aware you are of negative distortions the higher the likelihood of holding those thoughts at bay to reach a point of clarity. You learn to set aside your preconceived notations that play like a bad horror movie.

Negative thought scripts prevent us from seeking a deeper understanding in the present moment.  To overcome harmful thought patterns, consider seeking the help of a Christian counselor who can work with you to establish healthy ways of thinking. The ultimate goal is to develop a positive background conversation that frames healthy self-image, independence and self-confidence. Counseling provides a gracious space to address the negative background conversations that are continually running in your head. Please do not hesitate to contact us if you are interested in learning more about how Christian counseling can help you foster positive internal conversations.

References
“The Search for Significance” by Robert S McGee and “Cognitive Therapy Techniques” by Robert Leahy.

Images
“Couple on the Rocks,” courtesy of Jacob Enos, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Couple Talking,” courtesy of Fuzzyscience, Wikipedia.com CC0 Public Domain License