Being a Parent with Boundaries – Parenting Boundaries With Kids Series

Part 3 of a 3-Part Boundaries with Kids Series

According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, in their book Boundaries With Kids, parents often encounter certain obstacles in teaching boundaries.

1.)   Depending on the Child

A parent provides love, nurture, and closeness to his children, which are all crucial in their development into healthy people. Sometimes this closeness can get confused with the parent’s need for the child, thus reversing the parent/child role. If a parent needs a child’s closeness or affection to meet her own unmet needs, it will be difficult to teach and maintain proper boundaries. Children do not want to enter into this caretaking role; it is just that they will go where the relationship is. If soothing and comforting Mom or Dad gets them connected, they will take on that role.

2.) Over Identifying with the Child

Parents often mistake hurt for harm or discomfort for trauma. Here is an example. A mom about to walk out the door for a date with her husband sees her little boy crying. Mom feels deeply disturbed because sees the discomfort as trauma. She had indifferent parents who did not care about her emotional state. For her this was trauma. For her little boy, this is normal grief of a toddler who needs to learn to handle mom’s absences. What she can do is show empathy, and tell him she loves him and will be back soon. When she returns time and time again, the boy learns healthy attachment. If she continues to cancel date nights, everybody suffers. Mom and Dad do not get to connect, and the child does not get to experience a crucial element in his development

3.)   Thinking Love and Separateness are Enemies

Some parents struggle to stick with a set structure for their children, fearing that too much structure will cause the child to feel unloved. A parent may fear delivering consequences, out of concern that they are “too harsh.” Parents may worry that the child will feel alone or disconnected from the parents’ love. The opposite is actually true. Children gain a sense of security and genuine love when they know their limits and when their parents care enough to stick with those limits. This shows respect for your child’s freedom within certain parameters, teaching the child boundaries and responsibility.

4.)   Ignoring and Zapping

It is easy to ignore behavior hoping that it will just work itself out. It does not just go away, any more that an untreated infection in the body or a hole in a leaky roof. What happens is we close our eyes time and time again to the behavior, hoping that it will work itself out, but then we explode at our children. All our hard work of modeling good boundaries goes out the window. Addressing an issue in the moment, even when it requires more energy on our part, is part of keeping an eye on our child’s future and not just making our moment more bearable.

5.)   Being Worn Down

Parenting is exhausting work. It is inevitable that we will get worn down from time to time. When we do, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this because I am deprived? Do I need some time away to rejuvenate and fill up my own tank?” Kids will work us and work us and work us. In order to be that oak tree of consistency and dependability and strength for our children, we need to be able to rest and unplug from our parenting duties. Whether through nights out with our partner or time away with friends, or maybe even a personal retreat from time to time. Whatever it is, we need to find out what truly rejuvenates us and makes us better parents when we are “on duty.”

Christian Counseling can Be the Break You Need

If you see yourself in any of these obstacles to teaching boundaries, please consider calling a Christian counselor. Maybe you have been convicted about the need for your child’s closeness and nurture and need to learn how to take those needs elsewhere. Or you might want to learn how to talk to your partner about those unmet needs. You may need to take a look at past issues of trauma and grief in your own childhood. If you find it difficult to disagree with your child or deliver consequences, maybe you need some help exploring this challenge. A counselor, along with being a safe space for exploration and healing, is also a good resource for reading material, support groups, and classes if needed.