Christian Parenting: Helping Your Child Foster Healthy Self-Esteem

 

If our child is free to choose and held responsible for the consequences of his actions, we will develop a loving person who is doing the right things for the right reasons – Boundaries With Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Every parent welcomes their child into the world with aspirations for who their son or daughter may become. They may hope for a follower of Christ, a strong leader, a loving family member, or a hard worker. All of these traits we long for in our children are made possible through the development of positive self-esteem.  Unfortunately, self-esteem can only come from within ourselves. As much as we might want, it cannot be given to children as a birthday or Christmas gift. Self-esteem comes from being able to make mistakes and learn from them through experienced consequences. This calls parents to discernment and self-control as children are given increased responsibility for their own actions and wellbeing.

Healthy and Happy are Not the Same Thing

I have never met a parent who didn’t delight in the happiness of their child. Most parents enjoy going out of their way to please and serve their children. Although bringing joy to your child’s life is part of the parent job description, it isn’t the main task at hand. Ensuring your child is always happy or comfortable denies them the ability to learn for themselves the cause and effect of certain actions. Your son or daughter may be delighted to find you brought their science project to school after it was left on the kitchen counter, but they may be missing out on an opportunity to learn to keep track of important items. This may seem minimal to a 10-year-old, but imagine your son or daughter in their future career. Forgetting materials for an important presentation might impact their employment.

When making a parenting decision, take a moment to look 10 years down the road and ask yourself, “How am I helping my child grow into a successful adult?” Steven A. Maybell, Ph.D., in his article Can We Make Our Children Happy, states, “By allowing our children the opportunity, with each passing year, to take on more and more life responsibilities (which comes with some unhappiness and discomfort), we are giving our children the greatest gift imaginable, the gift of true SELF-esteem” (1989). Given the appropriate opportunities, children can grow into responsible, confident, and independent adults.

Natural vs. Logical Consequences

When considering developmentally appropriate consequences, I find it important to note the difference between natural and logical consequences. An example of a natural consequence would be if your child neglects to pack a lunch for school that day, they will experience hunger. Through normal life events, such as forgetting your lunch, children learn the importance of keeping track of their own things. Logical consequences are established by the parents for poor behavior.  Leaving toys out may result in losing them for a few days and not listening to parent the first time may result in a lost privilege.  It may be helpful to sit down with older children and teens to come up with consequences for future behaviors (missing curfew, low grades, dishonesty). With younger children the consequence will need to be more immediate so they can grasp the cause and effect of certain actions (Adlerian Parenting Concepts and Methods: A Brief Overview). Some of the most challenging moments to maintain rules and boundaries can result in valuable lessons learned by your children.

Putting it into Practice

Some examples of ways children can foster positive self-esteem include: sleeping in their own bed at night, picking out their own clothes, doing their own laundry, and managing their sleep habits (teen years). In another article by Maybell titled Adlerian Parenting Concepts and Methods: A Brief Overview, he writes, “When a child holds developmentally appropriate responsibility, this is encouraging. Experience and natural consequence become the child’s teacher” (1996).

As you consider the implications of your own child’s current level of personal responsibility, remember that you are not only an example with your words but also your actions. When parents are able to uphold standards of consequences, their children are not only learning responsibility for themselves but also witnessing self-esteem in one of their key role models: YOU!

Christian Counseling for Parents and Families

Parents who want to learn more about actions they can take to help their child develop positive self-esteem may want to consider seeking the help of a Christian counselor. A Christian counselor can work with parents, children, and families to help determine the boundaries and responsibilities that will foster a child’s healthy self-esteem.

Book Recommendation
Boundaries With Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

Photos
freedigitalphotos.net “Mother and Son Reading Book” by Naypong and “Family With Two Children” by Ambro