Coping with Grief and Loss

The death of a loved is one of the most difficult life experiences. Because losing a loved one is often a confusing, disorienting and often devastating experience, receiving professional help from a counselor can be valuable. In an uncertain time, it is often helpful to know that grieving is a universal, normal and healthy process.

Naming  Our Grief

At times, naming what we experience can work to provide some clarity to our grief journey. William Worden, in his 2009 work. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. (New York: Springer Publishing Company), describes four main tasks for mourning. The first task of mourning is to accept the reality of the loss. This task is about dealing with the shock of our special person’s absence and grappling with denial. The second task is to work through the pain of the grief. This is the hard work of grief; experiencing the sorrow, anger, depression, searching, questioning, and anxiousness. Worden believes that processing the pain of grief is necessary to keep us from maintaining the same intensity of hurt for the rest of our lives. Additionally, denying your feelings can cause you to become stuck and may stunt emotional growth. The third task is to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. You may need to develop new routines and tackle new responsibilities. For example, a widow may now be assuming the responsibility of paying bills or cleaning the gutters, which were previously her husband’s duties. And lastly, we emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life. Emotionally relocating does not mean we stop loving the person who died, but we blend that person into our life in a special way that does not impair us from moving forward. Worden believes we can remain connected through our memories and memorializing acts but at the same time allow ourselves to open up and invest in life.

There are many misconceptions about what grieving looks like and as a result, many people believe there is a “one-size fits all” antidote to getting through a loss. The issue is that, because we are all unique beings with different personalities, our grief will be unique to us as well. Grieving can be more than sadness and tears. Worden points out that common grief reactions can be exhibited physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, behaviorally and even spiritually. Some physical symptoms may include dry mouth, muscle tension, tight feeling in the chest, upset stomach, and fatigue.  As a society, we are more familiar with the emotional reactions such as numbness, emptiness, sorrow, guilt, relief and loneliness. Grief can also affect us mentally: low motivation, disbelief, disorientation, preoccupation with deceased and dreaming of deceased. Losing a loved one affects the family system or even one’s social life. You may start to withdrawal socially and have difficulty relating to old friends. You may be dealing with unfamiliar responsibilities and new familial roles. We can also exhibit grief through our behaviors such as crying, talking to the deceased out loud, visiting the grave site and looking at photo albums.

Lastly, the loss of a loved one may affect us spiritually. We find ourselves questioning God or searching for a deeper meaning in life or even sensing the deceased presence. Each person will experience a unique combination of symptoms and over time these reactions will shift. Just as the seasons change, our grief looks different over time as we grow and change. Know you will not feel like this forever; remember there is no right or wrong way to feel or act. Accept your feelings and grief reactions, which are all a natural part of the process. At times ,the pain can be intense, but be patient with yourself and the process. Healing takes time and you may have to adjust your expectations.

Identifying Your Grief Style

Just as we all have different personality styles, we also have different grieving styles. Learning your grieving style can help you understand why your friend, partner or family member is reacting differently than you are. In their book, Men don’t Cry…Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief (Philadelphia: Taylor & Francis. 2000), Terry Martin and Kenneth J. Doka, distinguish between two types of grievers: Intuitive and Instrumental. The intuitive grieving style is characterized by expression of emotions, intense painful feelings, and sharing grief with others. These people need to voice their pain to others and outwardly display a broad range of emotions: weeping, depressed mood, fatigue, anxiousness, etc. In an instrumental griever, thoughts are more dominant than emotions. Grief is worked out intellectually and energy is focused on activity. Instrumental grievers have difficulty crying and may be accused of not grieving, but is far from the truth. Instrumental grievers often find solace in being alone with their thoughts; they tend to feel more comfortable expressing anger and experience more physical pain such as muscle tension. These styles are on opposite sides of the continuum. You may be more dominant in one category than another or you may be a combination of both. Remember to embrace your grieving style and be tolerant of those who grieving styles differ from yours.

Because grief can be all consuming, it is easy to forget to take care of ourselves. Not only is grieving a time to honor your loved one, it is also a time to honor yourself through self-care. Grieving is hard work, emotionally exhausting and can deplete us of our energy, so it is important to nurture yourself. Whatever you required to replenish yourself before your loss, you need extra amounts. Listen to your body: do you need rest, nourishment or exercise? Incorporate self-nurturing activities into your day such as reading walks, bubble baths, prayer, gardening, etc… Know your support system; no one should walk this journey alone. Who can you turn to for help when the pain is overwhelming? Setting small goals can give us something to look forward and a nice distraction to like going out with a friend for coffee or taking a small trip.

Grief Can Resurface

Be prepared that grief can resurface in intense ways around the holiday, anniversaries, birthdays, changes of seasons, day of death or diagnosis, familiar smells or sounds, etc… The sudden reappearance of thoughts and feelings can unforeseen and can trigger new grief reactions.  It is helpful to predict what may trigger your grief and plan ahead of time so you can cope with the returning grief. Think about some dates or locations that may activate your grief. Then plan on whom you will call ahead of time for support and prepare a list of activities or rituals that serve as an outlet for your grief. These rituals can be planting a special tree, reminiscing with photo albums, visiting the cemetery, creating a scrapbook or album of your loved one, etc.

There is no way around grief but through it. On your grief journey, bringing self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a commitment to take care of yourself will help you cope with pain. Most importantly, know you do not have to walk this journey alone. Asking for help is a sign of strength. Help is available today.

Photos
“Sidewalk,” courtesy Alessandra, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)