Engaging Your Spouse’s Heart: A Christian Counselor’s Perspective

Small Things Matter

Marital dynamics can be complex. However, at the end of the day, the elements that make a marriage healthy really aren’t that complicated. The small things that each member does ultimately set the tone for the relationship, and determine whether the partners feel loved, cherished, valued, understood, and emotionally connected. These small things are truly significant in their impact, and yet simple in their application.

Listening to the Heart of Your Spouse

One of the simplest ways a couple can build a healthy relationship is for each partner to truly listen to the heart of their spouse. A powerful way to do this is by asking the question, “What are you going through?” When this question is asked in a loving and sincere manner, it immediately sends the message that you are genuinely seeking to understand your spouse’s heart. In the end, the impact is profound because the question, coupled with your sincere approach, sends the message that you care about them.

This is also an open-ended question and provides space for your spouse to elaborate on their needs, desires, and concerns in the relationship. I’ve heard married couples say over and over again that one of the greatest things their partner can do is to lovingly ask a question like this, listen closely to their partner’s response, and draw out what the other person is going through emotionally.

Becoming Unstuck as a Married Couple

I have found that most married couples are willing to ask this seemingly simple yet important question. However, they tend to get stuck at the point of helping their spouse elaborate on what they are feeling. They are not yet practiced in drawing out what their spouse is going through.

One way you can begin to practice this is by asking a question such as, “Can you tell me more about that?” How you phrase this question is up to you; what really matters is that you are encouraging your spouse to share more about what they are feeling and to help them feel understood after doing so.

Slow Down

Be careful not to rush the listening and drawing out process. I often suggest that couples set aside a specific time in their week to communicate without any distractions: no TV, no computers, no children around, etc. This time, which should be a minimum of fifteen to twenty minutes, is strictly set aside for them to focus on:

• Communicating to one another the central issues of their heart.
• Listening carefully to each other.
• Getting used to drawing out what the other partner is feeling so that they feel understood.

Another part of this slowing down process is to make sure that you don’t interrupt your spouse when they begin speaking to you. Interruptions reinforce the sense that they are not able to talk with you because you only seem focused on sharing what is important to you, or on debating something they said. Instead, focus on listening so that your spouse will be more willing to do the same in return after you have carefully heard what they have to say.

Your Approach Means Everything

In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman addresses how damaging it can be when you begin an important conversation with your spouse with harsh words. A harsh approach will immediately put them on the defensive whereas a kind, gentle, or nurturing approach will help them to remain calm and engaged with you. When you ask, “Can you tell me what you are going through?” the conversation won’t immediately break down.

As a spouse, you are responsible for being a steward of your spouse’s heart. If you are harsh with it, you will ultimately damage it, and experience the ramifications of doing so. If you are nurturing, you preserve their heart, and can experience the reward of a spouse who is willing to trust you with their deepest emotions and thoughts.

Learning to Engage Each Other Through Christian Counseling

Christian counseling provides a unique and safe context to help you and your spouse work through your communication difficulties and to engage each other meaningfully and lovingly on a day to day basis. This article has highlighted a few important concepts that you can use to start the transformation process in your marriage. However, there is much more that you can learn by meeting with a professional Christian-based counselor who can guide you and your spouse in the process of building a vibrant marriage. For more information on starting the counseling process, simply go to seattlechristiancounseling.com.

 

References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Random House Digital, Inc.

Photos
Couple Photo by: John Hope (Creative Commons License); “Couple watching sunset in Venice” by Anthony Citrano (Creative Commons License)