Family Counselor Offers Helpful Tips When Family Members Collide

Healing Hurts and Restoring Relationships

A Battle of Wills

Disagreements within a family are bound to occur, for human nature is such that we hold tightly to our perceptions, and will ardently defend them when they are opposed. When this aspect of our nature arises, we have to decide how to appropriately handle disagreements with those we love. Our approach to these disagreements immediately becomes relevant and helps to determine how the ensuing “collision of perceptions” will be resolved.

A Breakdown in Family Relationships

As a Marriage & Family Therapist who helps families work through conflict and rebuild their relational bonds, I have seen how easily family members hurt each other when they approach their differences harshly, critically, and defensively. This negative approach leads to an escalation of the disagreement and leads to patterns of emotional distancing. It also increases the feelings of frustration, fear, anger, and hurt in each member of the family. There is indeed a far better way to navigate one’s way through family-related disagreements.

Judge Your Own Heart

If we are eager to resolve differences with our loved ones, it is exceedingly important to begin by heeding the words of Christ found in Matthew:

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:1-5 (NKJV)

This aspect of self-evaluation is necessary because it makes us slow down and take an inventory of our own heart (i.e., thoughts, attitudes, and intentions) before God and towards our family. It enables us to reflect upon how we approach potentially stressful or conflictual situations with family members and to determine how we can engage them from a godly standpoint of love, compassion, and understanding.

Fault Finding Does Not Work

If we neglect to judge our own hearts, we are far more likely to find ourselves criticizing (fault finding), belittling, ignoring, and arguing with a family member. None of these patterns are positive and they prevent us from being able to effectively understand the concerns of our loved ones, or work towards any desired resolution of past hurts or frustrations. We will have much greater success in resolving the issues that arise when our hearts are driven by love, wisdom, and compassion instead of selfishness and pride.

Curiosity Leads to Life

Instead of fault-finding, a far better means of mending hurts and restoring relationships with family members involves validating their perspectives (e.g., by reflecting back what you hear them expressing) and being curious as to what they are thinking or experiencing emotionally (e.g., by asking open-ended questions to help them feel you genuinely care and want to know more about them). However, this process only works if you genuinely desire to mend your relationship with them.

If this is indeed your desire, and you have taken the time to judge your own heart and considered how to approach future conversations from a standpoint of understanding, curiosity and love, then you will have effectively armed yourself to care for your family members, to validate them, and to have greater success in the process of mending your relationships.

Seeking Christian-Based Family Counseling

Although mending deep-seated hurts within a family system is a truly difficult process, working with a Christian-based Marriage & Family Therapist can be an effective means to help you achieve that end. Here at Seattle Christian Counseling, our aim is to help your family develop the ability to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts that arise. For more information on my clinical practice, and to learn how you can begin the family counseling process, please visit my profile on our website here.

Photos
“Seattle, WA,” By Jeff Gunn, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0), “Seattle/Bainbridge Island,” by Daniel Ramirez, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)