Grieving as Family Unit: Finding Support Together

Part 2 of a 2-Part Grieving as a Family Unit Series 

In my previous article, I introduced the topic of grief—particularly the process of grieving as a family unit. I considered some of the more personal elements of grief, such as individual responses to loss, and the unique relationships between the grieving individual and the deceased. No matter what the individual experience of grief may be, loss of a loved one creates a unique family dynamic that is extremely stressful and complicated. Understanding how to support one another through grief is one of the best ways a family can prepare for and manage their collective experience of loss. In this article, I would like to offer some insight on how families can reasonably carry one another’s burdens as they process the loss of a loved one. My hope is that this article will help bereaved families understand how they can support and love one another best during the grieving process.

Ensuring Open Communication

Create an open family system through conversation. Families that allow open communication, encourage emotional sharing and involve each member in decisions and events cope better (Worden, 2009). A closed family system denies feelings and shuts down conversation which can lead to conflict and acting-out behavior. Family harmony can grow through the acknowledgment of the loss, processing feelings, and respecting differing needs.

Strive to make the home a safe place where each person can feel free to express his or herself, knowing they will be received with support and love. Many people find that conducting a family meeting to allow for open expression of thoughts, feelings, and needs to be helpful. Discuss together that the purpose of the gathering is to unify, listen, support and not pass judgment on each other. Maybe create a family mission statement, find Bible verses that relate to your circumstances, or design a coat of arms to symbolize the family’s identity and unity.

Grieving Wisely as a Parent

Parents need to model healthy mourning. Contrary to popular belief, it is healthy for children to see their parents mourn. This teaches children it’s okay to grieve and honest, appropriate grieving releases them to follow suit.  Be aware that grieving can be passed down from generation to generation and your unresolved grief issues from childhood can negatively impact your own children. Every family has a set of unspoken unconscious rules that guides the unit.  For example, a family who has dealt with emotions by keeping them secret and unexpressed is teaching their children to suppress grief. Examine what you messages you are modeling to your family and decide to embrace healthy grieving and leave behind negative patterns that you might of have learned from your family of origin.

Leading Your Family Through Grief

The painful emotions associated with a loss can be very confusing and distressing. Providing a framework for your family to understand grief can help bring security and safety. Explain to your family that grieving is normal, healthy and designed to help you work through the feelings of loss and separation.

It is also important for adults to address the unique needs of bereaved children. Worden (2009) lists of few important needs to target for children:

1. Children need to know they will be cared for
2. Bereaved children need to know they did not cause their loved one’s death through their actions or shortcomings
3. Bereaved children need to have clear information about the death
4. Children need to feel important and involved
5. They need continued routine activity
6. They need someone to listen to their questions
7. They need ways to remember the dead person

Managing Milestones After Grief

Be aware that new phases of family development such as graduations, weddings, childbirth, career changes, can result in the resurgence of grief. Know that new reactions are normal part of the grieving process during these milestone events. Remembering your loved one as a family during life changes can be helpful, for example, just saying “Dad would have been so proud of you graduating today,” or “the baby has mom’s eyes.”  Predict dates or locations that may trigger your grief such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.. Plan ahead of time what will help your family cope such as increasing social support or an enjoyable family activity. Lastly, preparing some rituals or activities such as visiting the grave site, attending support group or prayer group on those days where grief resurfaces may be a helpful outlet for intense feelings.

Honoring Your Loved One through Family Memory

Remembering together is powerful. Memorializing together as family can create closure, unity, sense of security in the face of fears of separation and reduce fears of isolation. Some memorializing activities may include creating a photo album, sharing a favorite memory or story about the loved one. Do a ritual together such a planting a special tree, lighting candles, saying a prayer, scattering ashes, participating in a walk-a-thon for a cure, donating to favorite charity or volunteering.

Christian Counseling for Grieving Families

Remember to seek outside support and allow people to help the family. Isolation is tempting but it is not the answer. If your family is in the midst of grieving, seeking help from a professional Christian counselor can be beneficial to facilitate communication, problem solve among family members and address unresolved grief that could lead to depression or anxiety. Remember you do not have to walk this grief journey alone.

Resources
Martin, T. & Doka, Kenneth, J. (2000). Men don’t Cry…Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of  Grief. Philadelphia: Taylor & Francis.
Worden, J. William. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. New York: Springer Publishing Company, LLC.

Photos
Freegiditalphotos.net “Sad Girls at a Grave” By Stuart Miles.