Long-Distance Dating: When Is It a Bad Idea?

A meet-cute can happen anywhere and at any time. You never know when you might come across the person who will become your significant other. Romantic relationships don’t all look the same, and they develop in varied and unique ways.

There isn’t necessarily a one-size-fits-all ideal that romantic relationships take. People can connect over music, movies, sports, poetry, love of nature, and so many other things. Ever since the internet became an everyday reality for most people, it’s become easier to connect with people with similar interests over vast distances.

For those who find a connection in person but for some reason have to be apart for the short or long term, having the technology we possess at our disposal makes pursuing relationships and connectedness possible.

The shape of long-distance dating and relationships

Long-distance relationships happen in different ways, and a couple may find themselves in a long-distance relationship at various points in their life together. Some couples start their relationship apart from one another.

There are a few videos that have gone viral on social media showing people who met for the first time online during the COVID-19 pandemic, but due to travel restrictions, they couldn’t meet in person. The clips show the many months of texting and video calls, culminating in an emotional trip and seeing one another for the first time in person. Online dating and social media have made virtual long-distance relationships a viable possibility.

Other couples get together in person first, and then because of school or work, they must live apart. Whatever the case may be, couples come together and due to circumstances, they must conduct their relationship from a distance.

According to some recent research, couples in long-distance romantic relationships exchange around 343 texts every week, which doesn’t account for video calls and other ways the couple finds to connect. Additionally, many couples in a long-distance relationship see each other about twice a month.

Another recent survey found that most couples are kept apart by work or study, with 40% of the respondents saying that work was the main reason their relationship was long-distance, while 31% said that school was the reason for the distance.

In terms of how successful long-distance relationships are, that same survey found that more than half of long-distance relationships don’t make it because the couple didn’t plan for the future. Without a plan or direction for the relationship, the distance can become overwhelming for the couple.

There is a significant portion of long-distance relationships that are successful – around 60% – but of the couples that were proximate and then were apart, a survey of 1,814 Americans found that only 31% of respondents had closed the distance and rejoined their partners.

One of the issues that plague relationships, whether proximate or long distance, is the reality of infidelity. Surprisingly, the rate of infidelity in long-distance relationships is similar in proximal relationships, with 22% of the respondents to a survey reporting some form of infidelity in their long-distance relationships.

In summary, long-distance relationships have a good shot at working, and they aren’t necessarily at a disadvantage compared to proximate relationships. The possibility of long-distance relationships raises the question of when pursuing that relationship might not be a good idea.

When to avoid long-distance dating

The biblical book of Ecclesiastes says that “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV). There is a time and a place for relationships, whether proximate or otherwise. That wisdom applies to all relationships.

Additionally, because of the peculiarities of long-distance relationships, there are times when being in a relationship from a distance might be problematic when it would be feasible in person. For the person in a long-distance relationship, or who is contemplating one, it’s good to know some things for which to watch.

Here are a few scenarios in which it may be best to avoid long-distance dating:

When you’ve just broken up with someone else

Give yourself time to heal and process your previous relationship before getting involved with another person.

If your communication skills are poor

Long-distance dating and relationships thrive on good communication. We all have our unique communication styles, and good communication doesn’t mean that you’re a talker.

It does mean you can express your thoughts and emotions well, but it also means you can listen empathetically to understand your partner’s needs as well as enter his or her world. Communication skills can always be gained, but you should be cautious of entering a long-distance relationship if there are concerns about your communication skills.

The other aspect of your communication skills concerns problem-solving and conflict management. If you don’t know how to resolve problems and work through difficult emotions constructively, you and your partner may become mired in interminable conflict.

If you’re not in the same physical space, arguments brew and escalate in different ways than if you’re in the same space. When you’re arguing with a person, a look or a simple touch on the shoulder can diffuse tension and go a long way toward reconciliation. Texts and calls don’t always carry that level of nuance.

You don’t have time or capacity

In some ways, long-distance relationships are low maintenance because you don’t see one another all the time. By the same token, they require an investment of emotional presence and committing yourself to maintain meaningful contact.

Long-distance relationships require creativity and loads of intentionality to make them work. If you don’t have the emotional capacity, or you know you can’t put in the effort required to make things work, it is best to avoid a relationship.

You’re not certain it’s legit

Depending on when and where you meet this person, it may be wise to steer clear of any commitment. Online dating has opened a whole world of potential partners. However, actors with bad intentions are also present in that same space.

Don’t commit yourself too early before you get an opportunity to confirm that you aren’t being scammed. Be wise about the kinds of information you share with people online and be on the lookout for red flags. You should avoid a long-distance relationship if you smell anything suspicious.

Making sure things are legit also refers to whether there’s any future for the relationship. This is not to say that you should download your entire life story and future hopes and dreams before you proceed. Rather, be clear about your intentions and what you’re open to so that you are on the same page.

If there’s no possibility or inclination of either of you moving from where you are now, then it may be best to walk away sooner than later. If your future goals aren’t aligned, the relationship will likely not survive.

When you have trust issues

In any relationship, trust issues can undermine the unity in a relationship. People do get tempted to find physical and emotional intimacy with someone else, and that goes for both proximate and long-distance relationships.

If you harbor insecurities about your romantic partner cheating on you, then a long-distance relationship may just aggravate those insecurities. Those insecurities need to be addressed in counseling because they will likely affect whatever relationship you find yourself in. Constant suspicion in any relationship erodes the foundation of that relationship, and it won’t last.

Finding help to strengthen your long-distance relationship

Long-distance relationships can be challenging for a variety of reasons. They can and do work out. But like every relationship, the people in it need to be prepared to work at the relationship. If you’re struggling with your long-distance relationship, you can find help through individual or couples counseling.

Through counseling, you can deepen your communication skills, learn how to better handle conflict, develop your ability to problem solve and cultivate ways to creatively sustain your relationships across the distance. Additionally, it’s important to know when to enter a long-distance relationship, and when to refrain. Your counselor can work with you to unpack your situation so that you can act wisely.