Parenting Don’ts: 8 Most Common Parenting Mistakes I See In My Practice

As a marriage and family therapist, I have the honor of working with a wide variety of individuals, couples, and families. Each client brings a unique perspective and approach to the world around them. As a Systems Therapist, I tend to believe that much of who we are is tied to our family and our community of relationships. This is especially true when working with children. Often their fears, anxieties, disrespectful behaviors, and negative self-worth can be traced back to something they have internalized from their interactions with the people around them.

Throughout my work as a therapist, I have witnessed some very healthy family systems and patterns that I would like to imitate with my own children. But I have also come up with a list of eight things I would encourage parents to avoid. These are the top eight mistakes I see parents making. Although our sinful nature prevents us from being perfect parents, I hope that this is a good reminder of how our own downfalls can impact the way our children conceptualize the world around them.

1) Striving for Happiness over Health

This is a big one. When you hold your children in your arms for the first time, you want nothing more than to ensure their safety and happiness. This is mostly possible in their first year as their needs are simple and they are easily pleased. But beyond these tender first months, children begin to develop their own personality and will. This is where the uncomfortable part of parenting begins. The challenge is to sit in the discomfort with your child as they learn the importance of waiting, making mistakes, restraint, and disappointment. In a world in which everything is at our fingertips, parents play an important role in teaching their children to develop self-discipline and deal with disappointment. (For further reading on this topic, a great book is Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend).

2) Loving Parent / Disrespectful Spouse

You can be the most loving parent and only speak words of encouragement to your child and still negatively impact them through the way you speak to your spouse. Children are sponges – they absorb everything around them and give it meaning. When a parent speaks disrespectfully about their partner, or even rolls their eyes, this sends a confusing message to the child. Can they trust their parents? Can they also be disrespectful? Is it ok to speak poorly about authority? Am I safe? This doesn’t mean that you should not disagree with your spouse around the children, but you need to do so respectfully and use kind words. Submitting to one another lovingly will not only teach your kids how to respect authority figures in their lives, but it will also teach them how to submit to the Lord.

3) No Follow Through

Almost every parent has threatened to take something away forever. “I am taking away your cell phone for a year!” you might yell, only to later realize the challenge it will be to make good on this punishment. It can be easy to throw out empty threats in the heat of the moment, without thinking through the challenge of sticking to them. Although intended for good, these empty threats often give your children the message that they don’t have to take you seriously and will never have to own up to consequences. Yikes! In order to maintain your position of authority, it is important to think through your punishments and to ensure that you are ready to see them all the way through. I often work with parents who are confused as to why their child continues to throw a tantrum, fight while getting ready for school or hassle their younger siblings. I usually ask how they respond to these behaviors, and whether there is any kind of punishment. They often respond with yes, but they only see the punishment part of the way through, sending the message that Mom and Dad won’t really cancel the outing, withhold treats, or remove TV privileges. One helpful tip is to brainstorm with your spouse about appropriate behaviors for misbehaving so that you are ready when the occasion arises. Also, ensure that you are communicating throughout the day about potential punishments you need to support each other in as parents. Kids need boundaries. Make them and hold them.

4) Self-Criticism

You can tell your daughter how beautiful she is 100 times a day, but completely counteract the benefits of this by complaining about your own body just once. Girls and boys observe very closely how their parents speak about and treat their bodies and abilities. Every day you model how your children should treat themselves, and what attributes are most important. I have worked with many women in their twenties and thirties who can remember their mom expressing dissatisfaction with her looks and abilities while they were growing up. As adults, it is a challenge for them to see themselves any differently. What might happen if a little girl grows up watching her mom love, care for, and appreciate the strength of her body? Or how might it impact a little boy who sees his father taking pride in his work and gifts? Accepting and loving yourself is an indirect way of accepting and loving your children.

5) Negative Relationship with Food

Every parent wants their child to be healthy and to enjoy a wide variety of foods. But even if you offer your child many different types of food, including the occasional treat, their eating behaviors will often reflect your own. I have worked with many young women who report struggling with body image, and a common theme I see in all their stories is the way their mothers viewed their own bodies. During their most formative years, young girls and boys observe as their parents complain, worry, and work to change their negative body image. Your child will encounter enough negative messages outside the home, and so it is important to ensure that they hear positive body messages around the house. Do you unknowingly shame certain foods or restaurants? Does your strict diet send the message that your weight is more important than a balanced diet? Your children need to hear you affirm both their strong and beautiful bodies and your own.

6) Avoiding Healing in Relationships

Similarly to your relationship with food, your relationship with others will provide a model for your child. Unfortunately, becoming a parent does not mean that all your other relationships get easier. In fact, they often become more challenging as your friends and relatives have their own expectations for their relationship with your child. You also have less to offer the people in your life as kids require a fair amount of attention. But these challenges mean that it is even more important to maintain healthy relationships as your children are observing the way you treat others. Speaking poorly of your mother-in-law around the kids may feel good in the moment, but it does long term damage to your kids. It models poor treatment of others and potentially challenges their own positive relationship with Grandma. It can be confusing for kids when their father no longer speaks to certain friends or relatives, and even causes them to question whether his relationship with them is safe and permanent. There will always be challenges in relationships, so why not model how to repair and reconcile?

7) Neglecting Self-care

I admit that there are days when self-care comes absolutely last on my list of priorities. Those days usually end with me crashing and having nothing to offer my husband or anyone else. Sacrificing your own needs for your child is part of parenting, but completely neglecting your own care is detrimental for the entire family. Self-care is especially important when children are young and demand a lot of your time and attention. Some of the best advice I got when my daughter was first born was to sleep when they sleep. This was an excellent suggestion, but when I finally got my newborn down for a nap I was always tempted to clean the house, respond to emails, or attend to something else on my to-do list. The days when I neglected to eat enough and set aside time for rest usually resulted in me having less patience for my fussy baby. Self-care could look like a short walk, coffee with friends, a few hours out of the house on your own, or going to bed early to read so that you can unwind from the day.

8) Forgetting to Nurture Your Marriage

This is my final and probably my most important point: Your marriage should come first. After your relationship with God, your marriage should be a top priority as it sets the stage for every other area of life. Too often I see couples functioning as roommates or co-workers as they push through the challenging years of childrearing. A healthy marriage provides the foundation for children to grow and thrive. Your marriage is a living thing and needs to be nurtured on a regular basis.

Christian Counseling for Effective Parenting

I have yet to encounter a perfect parent. But some of the strongest families are those with parents who regularly take time to reflect on what is and what isn’t working for their family. As parents, we are bound to make one or all of these mistakes at some point. As a Christian counselor, I encourage you to simply check in with yourself occasionally and ask yourself whether your choices as a parent take in the big picture of your marriage and family, or whether they simply meet the daily needs of your children. If you have particular concerns about parenting, I would love to speak with you and provide a safe space in which you can explore both your own needs and those of your family.