Coping with Postpartum Depression – Help from a Christian Counselor

Part 2 of a 3-Part Coping with Postpartum Depression Series

In my previous article on postpartum depression in women, I distinguished between healthy postpartum adjustment and postpartum distress that requires support and provided some tips for identifying them. This article explores the concept of mindfulness in the midst of the overwhelming feelings that accompany postpartum depression. It suggests coping skills that can enable you to not only endure this time, but also help you to keep and gain perspective by telling yourself the truth and staying grounded in reality.

When You Feel “Not Like Yourself”

It is not uncommon for a client to enter my office, sit on the couch, and through tears express how “not like myself” she has been feeling for months. Whether her child is three months old or closer to two years old, a woman who is experiencing postpartum depression is struggling with not feeling good about herself as a mom. Or she may be struggling to cope as a functioning, contributing person in general, whether outside the home or within her roles as “wife” and “mom.” People close to her may even observe that she seems to be “not quite herself.”

An Idealized Image of Motherhood

As we explore the angst of postpartum depression, women often realize during counseling sessions that at the core of their feelings of inadequacy and disappointment lies an ideal image of “Mother.” Whether this is a very nurturing, connected mom sitting on the porch, waiting to talk at the end of day, or a highly efficient, clean, energetic, and bubbly woman who seems to always be on top of her to-do list, it is important to conceptualize one’s “Ideal Mother” figure. This sometimes comes from a genuine experience of one’s mom growing up, or it may come from society’s picture of who a mother is supposed to be.

This “Ideal Mother” figure could even come from one’s internalized, unspoken expectations of oneself. These unspoken, unexamined expectations are important to understand and express. Whether within a counseling office or walking around the lake with a trusted friend, it is important to talk about these feelings. As she uncovers the root of her feelings of “falling short” or not measuring up to her ideal, she can extend grace to herself, even in the midst of perceived failures. She can begin to notice and celebrate the ways in which she interacted in “good” and “successful” ways during the day, either with her child or her partner, and come to peace with being a “Good Enough” mom.*

Becoming Aware that You are Loved by God

If you find yourself unable to sleep, even in moments when your baby or child is sleeping, you may have some unexplored feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, disappointment, or sadness. You may even have some residual resentment and pain from your own childhood and the way in which you were mothered. It may be helpful to slow down and observe your thoughts from a mindful perspective. Here is an example of how this can work:

• Pause in the midst of whatever you are doing (washing the dishes, nursing your baby, sitting on the couch while baby naps, preparing dinner, lying in bed, reading a book, walking into your crying baby’s room, applying discipline to your toddler) and check in with yourself.
• What are your present feelings? Where is there tension in your body? Start taking deep breaths. On each inhale, feel your stomach rise; on each exhale, feel your stomach fall.
• Just keep breathing and let your thoughts, worries, past hurts, and to-do list just be. Tell your thoughts (your worries, your hurts, your list), “I will get back to you.” Right now, of utmost importance is simply breathing and paying attention to the way your breath feels. Where do you feel it? In your nose? Your chest? Your throat?
• Where in your body do you most need relaxation? Breathe into those areas. Think of a word on each inhale and exhale. For example, breathe in “grace” and exhale “disappointment.”
• As you continue breathing, remember a time when you felt most alive and connected with your child, your partner, God, or yourself – and remind yourself that you are still there. Acknowledge how overwhelming and exhausting parenting can be and receive grace for the next task.
• You are loved. You are enough. There is a God Who loves you perfectly, Who has begun a good work in you, and Who will complete it. (Philippians 1:6) Surrender and take a few more breaths.

Some practical things you can give yourself are regularly-occurring Calming, Restorative, Energizing, Grounding Spaces. These can be time spent socializing with friends, a quiet moment to yourself during the day, a book club or small group, a date night with your partner, a walk around the lake, or a pedicure or massage.

Christian Counseling Can Help You Cope with Postpartum Depression

If you find you are in the midst of postpartum depression, or simply feel overwhelmed and would like help gaining perspective, Christian counseling can provide a safe space in which you can process your experience and gain new skills for coping in your new situation. For more information on how Christian counseling can help you with postpartum depression, please  reach out to me here.

* See the article, “To Be Good Enough,” www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/