“Teaching the Reality Principle” in Parenting

Imagine a mom telling her seven-year-old daughter, “You need to get your room cleaned up before we can leave for the movie, since we will be back so late.” The daughter and mom have made a movie date together. The daughter nods but just keeps watching her show while she eats dinner. “Did you hear me?” the mom asks. “Yes.” Fifteen minutes later, the girl is playing Legos at the dining-room table. Mom asks, “Did you get your room cleaned up?” “Not yet.” “Come on! I told you to get that done. We need to leave in 15 minutes, or we will be late for the movie.” “Ok, Mom.”

Mom continues to nag and eventually gets so mad that she yells, “Now we are going to be late, because I have been waiting around for you!” Mom runs up to the room and cleans up as much as she can, just so that there is space to walk into the room at bedtime. The car ride to the movie is silent and tense.

Now imagine this scene again. A mom and her daughter have made fun plans to go to a movie together. As the mom is running around getting ready, she tells her daughter to clean up her room and that they only have a half hour before they need to leave. While the mom continues to get ready to go, the daughter starts playing with Legos. Mom warns, “Fifteen minutes before we need to leave. Did you get your room cleaned up?” “Not yet.” “Ok. But if your room is not cleaned up, you will not be able to come with me to the movie.”

The girl is lost in her world of Legos and completely forgets to clean her room. When it is time to leave, her mom tells her, “Well, I am leaving. I guess you are staying home with your dad and sister.” “Wait! I will run and do it now, Mom. Wait! Please.” “It is too late, honey. I am so sorry. I really will miss you at the movie.”

In Real Life, Actions Have Consequences

Delivering consequences make the situation the child’s problem, not the parent’s. Too often, a child’s behavior becomes more of a problem for the parent than for the child. Consequences that are based in reality, such as the loss of privileges or possessions, teach a child that their poor choices will hurt them. The child learns that she is responsible for her own behavior. Consequences that are merely psychological or relational, such as her mom being mad at her, will only motivate the child to alter her behavior in order to lessen the pain of the consequence or to get what she wants. But this will not go very far in “the real world.”

Real life consequences could include last minute attempts to get the job done for the boss that lead to the loss of a job. Or they could involve the destruction of relationships because of a tendency to not pull one’s weight and to depend on others to always be responsible. Parents who have one eye on their child’s future will be much more successful in helping their children to be mature, responsible adults.

Motivation that Comes from Within

The Bible in teaches us in 2 Corinthians 9 that, “Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion…” If we teach our children to be motivated inwardly (in the heart) in order to make good choices, we are teaching them to be successful in their lives. A child’s motivation will come from within when they have to feel the pain of their choices and behavior. Which one of us wants our child to “reap sparingly” in their future relationships, jobs, and other endeavors?

Christian Counseling for Effective Parenting

As a Christian counselor, I am aware of the many challenges that parents face. If you would like to process the challenges of parenthood within a safe space, whether individually or with your partner, please consider calling a Christian counselor today.