The Love Paradigm Shift: Forming Deeper Relationships Through Deeper Love

Discovering the relationship between loving God and loving others.

In the words of Tina Turner- “What’s love got to do with it?” People at almost every stage of life – from the 14-year-old boy in his first relationship to the divorced 50-year-old woman – would probably say “Love’s got plenty to do with it!” We make assumptions about how ‘love’ should feel and what love should look like. The definition of love has mystified and confounded mankind since Adam and Eve. Why does the heart hurt (physically) over a breakup or when betrayed by love one? You may have heard ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself’, but how can you love the neighbor that you’ve barely met? What’s the deal with loving your enemies?

Loving with intention and transparency requires a paradigm shift in how ‘love’ is defined. When we view love through God’s divine lens it produces deeper relationships with others. The love paradigm shift challenges whether we can handle the tension of trusting God to soothe us as we interact with difficult people. This love shift moves beyond the dynamics of ‘if you will, then I will’. As you grow in your relationship with God, you move from requiring people to love you to anchoring your self-worth and identity in the love of God.Below are a few concepts to consider when making the shift to deeper love relationships.

Love Shift 1:  Love is a Decision, Not a Feeling

Love is more than a feeling or emotion; it is a decision that is made over and over as you encounter others. Love desires to connect, admire and experience others. Love shapes your personality and your relational capacity to accept others. The decision to love challenges your ability to tolerate what you cannot control – other people. Each encounter with a loved one or acquaintance becomes an opportunity to expand your capacity to love. It is a decision to love ‘in the present moment.’ Knowing that love may not be reciprocated demonstrates growing in the middle of tension. There is no guarantee that the love you give will be returned. The love shift takes you out of the anxiety of looking for validation from others. You decide to love because of the human frailty that exists in all of us. This is a huge shift in how we perceive love.

Love Shift 2:  Sloppy Agape is Not Love

The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. Agape love speaks to the character and divine nature of God. Everything that God does flows from love (1 John 4:8). He loves the unlovable and the unlovely. Sloppy agape is perceived love that has conditional restraints with a perverted connection with God. It is the diluted manner in which love is articulated in a rather self- righteous undertone. Sloppy agape speaks of the ambiguous ways individuals justify selfish behavior. Sloppy agape looks like an individual who says he or she is leaving their spouse because God told them to be with someone else. Another example, would be an individual who is verbally and physically abusive who spouts distorted scriptural renditions under the view of love. These are perversions of God’s sacrificial love in order to meet a selfish need. Sacrificial love is the resolve to recognize and attend to the needs of others while remaining grounded in the love of God. Agape love says that our strength to love others is drawn from the true source of love that is God.

Love Shift 3:  Speaking the Truth in Love is Essential

What you say and how you say something has everything to do with speaking the truth in love. Love relationships that fail to allow for personal transformation and growth are forms of dependency and control. Words that include contempt and sarcasm for the sake of “it’s the truth and they need to hear it straight” do not represent loving behavior.  Speaking the truth to one another gives an opportunity to demonstrate transparency and intimacy. Couples will often rationalize embellishing the truth or telling a ‘white lie’ as a form of sparing assumed feelings. True love would rather wrestle with the realities of an individual’s perception than believe a lie that will not bring clarity.”

Love Shift 4:  To love God is to love yourself (Matt. 22:37-40)

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t give what you don’t have. When you give love from a place of deficit, someone will lose. Your concepts of self and love have a direct correlation with accepting love from God and then extending that love outside of you. Your vertical relationship with God has direct implications with your horizontal relationship with others. If your relationship with God is in line, you are more likely to discern the intentions (good or bad) of others. Loving others correctly means meeting people where they are in life. The gift of love happens when there is an interaction that increases your internal growth. When the focus moves from receiving love to giving love, the alignment with God and others gets stronger.

Christian Counseling Can Help You Shift Your Paradigm

The love paradigm shift has its foundation on the character of God. It is not using God as a crutch for distorted thoughts and behaviors. Rather it is trusting that God has loved better and longer than anyone. His divine love demonstrates that it is possible for you to love genuinely while holding an individual accountable for their consequences. This is done in tandem to remaining faithful to your own value system. The shift on how we see love requires a strong reflection and dedication to loving God completely. With each emotional encounter we trust the process of internal growth working to expand our capacity to love. To love God completely allows us to love others correctly. It has been said that “love” has a history. Each individual has an emotional love history that requires unpacking and exploring. The benefits of counseling consist of identifying how your love history influences current relationships. Make a commitment to personal growth and make an appointment with a professional Christian counselor.

Photos
freedigitalphotos.net – Paper Sweet Heart Rolling by hin255 and Azalea Isolated Ornament stock image by Koratmember