When Your Child Challenges You

Part 2 of a 3-Part Boundaries with Kids Series

A rule we like to encourage in our house is, “Before you react, take a deep breath.” I have talked about this in a previous article Practical Deep-Breathing Techniques: Suggestions from a Christian Counselor and in of the first article in this three-part series on parenting with boundaries.

The other day, in the midst of trying to get the girls to daycare and myself to a meeting, I lost my temper in front of my girls. We have a geriatric cat who misses the litter box at least once every few days, and at the worst possible times. (But really, when is a good time for that?) I saw the mess, and before I knew it I was screaming, “No!” and angrily cleaning it up. I pushed the cat outside. As I turned around, I saw my four-year-old looking at me with a very wise, cautious look on her little face. She said, “Mom, you should have taken a deep breath.” In the midst of my frustration, I accepted her confrontation and experienced a sense of pride in her. She was absolutely right, and I told her so. After I apologized, she graciously encouraged me that maybe next time I would remember.

Words Are Not Enough

As I have continued to read Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, I have been further challenged in my parenting style. “Children will mature to the level the parent structures them and no higher.” Teaching a child that she is responsible for her own behavior will not occur with words alone. Modeling and teaching are two different things. Teaching with only our words, when they are not backed up by our actions, is wasted breath and time.

“Children observe and learn from how you operate with boundaries in your own world. They watch how you treat them, your spouse, and your work. And they emulate you, for good or for bad.” The benefit of focusing on modeling boundaries is that it takes a parent away from the futile task of trying to control their child and opens up the possibility that what a parent controls is his/her stance with the child.

Allow Yourself to be Challenged by Your Children

Each family will have different universal rules, such as, “No interrupting when someone is talking,” or “Take a deep breath whenever you feel frustrated.” To allow our children to challenge us on these rules is important as it enables them to learn respect, responsibility, and a sense of boundary. For example, when my daughter challenged my disregard of our house rule (“Take a deep breath before you react”), she heard me agree with her. She saw that respect, ownership, apologizing, and responding to house rules are things that grown-ups do, too.

As parents, we will have to tolerate and endure our child’s hatred of our boundaries. “The kids’ job is to test your resolve, so she can learn about reality. Your job is to withstand the test.” A parent with boundaries is “like an oak tree that the child runs her head into over and over again until she realizes that the tree is stronger than she is, and she walks around it next time.” The more children experience firm parental boundaries, the more they will internalize boundaries for themselves and grow into responsible adults.

Boundaries Need Relationships

Here is some good advice from Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend:

We can’t keep boundaries in a vacuum. Get into regular, helpful relationships, or arrange for some time to yourself to fill up your tank. Remember that parenting is a temporary job, not an identity. Kids with parents who have a life learn both that they aren’t the center of the universe and that they can be free to pursue their own dreams.

Christian Counseling for Healthy Parenting

Consider calling a Christian counselor today if you are feeling stirred, challenged, or stuck in your job of parenting. Counseling can be a way to fill up your own tank and to gain insight into why you are reacting to your child’s behavior in the ways that you do.