Your Partner’s Dreams: A Christian Counselor’s Approach to Conflict

Couples often find themselves having the same argument over and over again, yet never finding resolve. They can either give up and retreat into their opposing corners or seek outside help to get out of the gridlock of misery and confusion within which they are stuck. One way to get help is through Christian counseling. In my practice, I utilize some of the tools John and Julie Gottman offer in Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. These can aid couples when they are entrenched within the experience of constantly arguing about seemingly pointless and frustrating issues. The truth is that these issues are anything but insignificant for either partner. They are rooted in each person’s deepest and most meaningful dreams, hopes, and desires – both for their own life and for the life they want to share with the other.

Identifying Your Partner’s Dreams

Working together to make each other’s life dreams come true often involves creating shared meaning, and creating shared meaning can be achieved through identifying and pursuing your and your partner’s dreams. The question is: How can one uncover the individual dreams and values that are hidden within the conflict in a relationship? One way is to use the Gottmans’ “Dream Within Conflict” exercise.

It is common for couples to see each other as having “irrational” or “inflexible” positions on certain issues and to leave it at that. But this means that the other person feels betrayed, misunderstood, disrespected, or isolated – which leaves the couple in a situation of detachment and resentment. Getting to the root of each position is important to create a shared understanding and meaning within the relationship and to foster fulfillment and mutual respect.

What does a couple do when their dreams stand in opposition to those of their partner, or when both people have retreated to neutral and lonely corners? What are they to do when fear, resentment, defenses, criticisms, contempt, and “shutting down” drive the couple to complete emotional disengagement from each other? Seek help. During your counseling sessions, you can use the “Dream Within Conflict” exercise in the safety of the therapy office and in the presence of a third party who can aid and encourage healthy, effective communication – as well as teach you the tools you need to use while at home. It is important to note that the purpose of this exercise is to help you dialogue about the problem without feeling that it is unraveling in front of you. You are postponing persuasion and/or resolve until later. Do not try to solve it at this time.

The Dream Within Conflict Exercise

In this exercise, one person will be the speaker for 15 minutes while the other listens. These roles are then changed.

The speaker’s job is to honestly talk about the feelings and beliefs of his/her position on the problem. Explore what the position means to you, what the dream or value might be behind your position, and tell the story of its source. Explain where it comes from and what it symbolizes and try to make your partner understand this. Do not attach blame and avoid “you” statements. Don’t argue for your point of view or try to persuade your partner – just explain how you see things. Tell your partner all of the thoughts and feelings that you have about your position on this problem.

The listener’s job is to make your partner feel safe enough to tell you what is behind their position on the problem: their beliefs, dreams, or story. Toward this end, you will listen in the same way that a friend would listen. Ask questions that draw out your partner and his or her point of view. You can contribute to this climate if you suspend judgment and act like someone who wants to hear your partner’s story and the dream behind the story. Just hear it and don’t judge it. Don’t try to solve the problem. It is much too soon for that at this stage in the counseling process. You first need to end the opposition of dreams and become one another’s friend instead of one another’s foe. Try to understand the meaning of your partner’s dream. Be interested. It is important to realize that the goal is not to solve these problems, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue and to understand, in depth, your partner’s position.

Sample Questions for the Listener:

1)       Do you have any core beliefs, ethics, or values that are part of your position on this issue?
2)      Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your background or childhood history in some way?
3)      Tell me why this is so important to you.
4)      What feelings do you have about this issue?
5)      What would be your ideal dream here?

Sample Dreams for the Speaker:

1)       A sense of freedom
2)      The experience of peace
3)      A spiritual journey
4)      Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
5)      Ending a chapter of my life

The bottom line is this: You do not want to have the kind of relationship in which you win and are influential in the relationship but wind up crushing your partner’s dream. You want the kind of relationship in which each of you support one another’s dreams. If your dreams connect, so much the better.

Christian Counseling to Understand Your Partner’s Dreams

As a Christian counselor who uses the Gottmans’ “Dream Within Conflict” exercise in my therapy room, I have found that it provides a safe space that enables my clients to get to know their partners better. By identifying their partner’s dreams they are able to create shared meaning, which provides a solid basis for their ongoing relationship. If you would like to explore how this process of Christian counseling can help your relationship, please contact me here.

(This exercise was taken from print-outs I received while attending the Johnson-Gottman Summit in Seattle – July 2013)