Dealing with the Forbidden: An Open Conversation About Pornography

I come across many different issues as a therapist. Few shake the foundation of a marriage like pornography.  

Pornography erodes the basic trust in a relationship and involves the elements of shame, guilt, and adultery. For this reason, it is vital for couples to address this issue in their relationship before getting married, for example, in premarital counseling sessions. Unfortunately, many couples don’t address this issue until years after they’ve been married.

My question is, “Why?”

Pornography:
The Forbidden Conversation

I believe the answer lies in the forbidden nature of pornography. Though it is prevalent in our culture, it rightly carries the connotations of being dirty and inappropriate. As a result, one may decide to carry the guilt and shame of viewing pornography alone, rather than risk the potential consequences of telling their spouse about their struggle.  They may ask, “Why hurt my spouse when I can try beating this addiction on my own?”

I would give three answers. First, pornography is not an issue likely to be overcome alone. The help of a spouse is vital, in conjunction with the help of others (e.g., therapist, pastor, or trusted friend).  Second, the issue has less to do with hurt than it does with an emotional and sexual commitment to one’s spouse. Third, spouses who directly address the influence of pornography in their marriage enable themselves to take their relationship to new levels of honesty and trust, though the initial process of rebuilding these two elements may be difficult.

If you are a couple, whether engaged or married, who has decided to refuse to allow pornography to be a forbidden issue, you can build a necessary openness into your relationship. You can protect yourself from a dark cultural phenomenon that can easily erode the intimacy and commitment you deserve to experience. My hope is more and more couples will garner the courage to love one another by choosing honesty on this issue over fear.

Let’s begin the conversation.

Photos
“Sea Walk,” courtesy of Nick Page, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)