The Art of Compromise in Marriage

As I consider the issues and fears that couples bring into my office, as well as the struggles within my own marriage, I am struck by a common thread that runs throughout the complaints and offenses: “I feel taken for granted.” We fear losing ourselves within the relationship – and we fear being reduced to our function in meeting another’s needs.

Consistency in Relationships

Emotionally intimate and committed relationships challenge our integrity – our being consistent internally. Internal consistency means that what we do lines up with our values. How do we hold onto our sense of self and live in a way that lines up with our core values, while also compromising out of love and mutual respect for the other person?

The Four Points of Balance

As I write about integrity and differentiation, I am borrowing from Dr. David Shnarch’s work. In his work with couples, he talks about The Four Points of Balance. The first point of balance is what he calls Solid Flexible Self – the ability to have solid values that you can both hang onto and change over time. The second point is called Quiet Mind and Quiet Calm Heart, which is the ability to contain your anxiety, to not let your feelings overwhelm you, and to take care of yourself emotionally. The third point of balance is called Grounded Responding, which is to not overreact to other people’s overreactions. And the fourth point of balance is called Meaningful Endurance, and is the willingness to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.

As people become more differentiated in their relationships by utilizing the Four Point of Balance, they find that,

Instead of keeping the anxiety between the people – forcing your partner to adapt and accommodate and keeping the conflict between the two of you – you bring it into yourself. You shift from confronting your partner to confronting yourself. And the first move in a collaborative alliance is always confronting yourself first. And by confronting yourself and having the tension within you, the conflict between you and your partner stops. The blaming stops.

Marriage gets better because it stretches people’s integrity. It stretches what you believe in. And as I said, you can have all the values in the world; but if you can’t keep your emotions under control, you still won’t have integrity. If you’re not willing to do hard things, you won’t have any integrity. If you are overreacting to everything, you can’t stay consistent with what your real goals are.

An Exercise in the Art of Compromise

There is an exercise called “The Art of Compromise” that Doctors John and Julie Gottman encourage couples to use. They write that, “To reach compromise, you must define your core needs, refuse to relinquish anything that you feel is absolutely essential, and be willing to accept influence.” The following steps describe how the exercise can be carried out.

Step 1: Consider an area of conflict in which you and your partner have been stuck in perpetual gridlock. Draw two ovals, one within the other. The one on the inside is your Inflexible Area, and the one on the outside is your Flexible Area.

Step 2: Think of the inside oval as containing the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on, and the outside oval as containing the ideas, needs, and values that you feel more flexible with. Make two lists.

Step 3: Discuss the following questions with your partner, in the way that feels most comfortable and natural for the two of you. Make sure that you really listen to each other as you discuss your core needs.

Can you help me to understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?

What are your guiding feelings here?

What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?

Help me to understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.

How can I help you to meet your core needs?

What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?

Note: This exercise should not be approached in the midst of a stressful discussion. It will be most helpful if undertaken in peacetime, perhaps in the evening or on a weekend when there are no distractions (give the kids something to do or hire a sitter, leave the phones in another room, etc.). It should take you and your partner approximately thirty minutes.

Christian Counseling for Growth in Marriage

As a Christian counselor, I have witnessed how the practice of holding onto oneself, while learning to compromise with another, is crucial in maintaining a loving, respectful, and fulfilling marriage. If you would like to interact with these ideas within the safety of a counseling office, or if you feel that you and your partner could use some outside help and perspective, please consider calling a Christian counselor today.