Personal Identity in Your Mid-30’s: An Interview

In this article, the interviewee evaluates their personal identity in their mid-30’s. Please keep in mind that this person is not speaking from research; this is simply their perspective on their current circumstances.*

*This person is not a client, but in order to protect their privacy, all identifying information will be kept confidential. They consent to the publication of this interview.

So today we are talking about being between 30 and 40.

Yes, and I am officially in my mid 30’s… It’s strange.

Is it what you expected?

I almost do not have expectations if that makes sense. I have hopes and wishes of where I would go. But I no longer think, “By the time I am this age, I must accomplish this”as I did in my 20’s. My goals are much less age-oriented. It used to be a lot about “shoulds” — I should be married, I should be having children a few years after that, etc.

I think between 30 and 35, I have gotten a lot more comfortable with having loosely held expectations so that I can be nicely surprised by things and appreciative of how things work out. I do not have expectations that I must have accomplished certain things at that stage.

And I finally get it; any woman interviewed ever that talks about their age, shares how free they feel and how comfortable they are with themselves. I can actually see why some women look forward to turning 40.

Are you looking forward to 40?

I am okay with the idea of it now. Talk to me at 39.5 and then we will see. <laughter>

What has contributed to the change of expectations around different age markers?

It was not working well. I was a hot mess when I turned 30 because I had to spent so much time unpacking what turning 30 was supposed to mean for me. And then really having to teach my brain to make that shift of expectations versus reality and try to find myself in the middle of all of that.

I also noticed my shift in how I would plan things. For example, in one of my friendships, at the beginning of our friendship, we were always on the same page with planning. We were over planners together. We loved planning ahead. If we were going somewhere it would all be planned out at least six months out.

Now it is like, “Let’s have a goal to have flights booked by this date then think about hotels.” I know that she still likes to have details planned way in advance because it decreases anxiety. And I used to be the same but now it actually increases anxiety to think about those details way ahead of time. I have noticed a shift in not needing to micromanage my life and feeling more freedom in not doing that.

That sounds like a big change.

Yes. But I am definitely still a planner so it is not like I am no longer myself. <laughter> That is what I like to do just not to the extent where I absolutely have to do everything a certain way.

So the skills that you have learned by adjusting to bigger life things not working out exactly as you would expect has transferred to those smaller day-to-day life things?

Yes, I have noticed I have become more casual about things. Shifts of being able to relax more. And relaxing with a wider circle of people. I think it is a shift that signifies that I am more comfortable with who I am.

What has contributed to that change?

For sure age and experience. Moving to Seattle has been a significant shift in the last five years. There is a piece of me that has been able to relax a bit more. Even though I am in a pretty white area it is still much more diverse than the last place I lived.

I feel comfortable in my work community, I feel comfortable in my friend community, I have family close by. There is a lot that helps me to feel safe and confident and comfortable so that I have less to worry about because I have support. Of course, that leads to finally being in a stable relationship.

My past experiences made me know myself better. They helped me see what I wanted, really did not need, or should have. All of the people that I have met have contributed to that. Now in my current relationship, I feel very safe, supported, and comfortable to be myself.

Even if I am not happy about something, I do not think “I’ll just push this aside because I want this to work.” Now, if I am unhappy about something I think “I want this to work, so I will address it. And I feel confident that I can speak up.” That is a lot to learn about yourself.

Will you say more about what it has been like for you to move to a more racially diverse area?

The fact that there are areas that I can go that have Filipino food or people that look like you and do what feels so natural to you, feels so nice to see. Unless you are looking for it, you are not going to find it but it is not just about eating a familiar dish. It is about being affirmed and feeling at home somewhere.

Being around people who grew up eating that thing is comforting. I think it is also important to live in a place where people are more familiar with more cultures. My workplace now is a lot more familiar with Filipino people than the place I lived before.

In the last place, I would make traditional Filipino food for any party; it was a way for me to feel affirmed in my culture. When I moved to Seattle, I stopped feeling the need to make Filipino food for everything. I no longer felt the need to prove different parts of my culture because I know other Filipino people here.

That makes sense. There is less of a need to try to hang on to pieces of culture because you have more connection to it now?

Right! Five years ago, I was adamant about making lumpia for my holiday party. It was so stressful rolling and frying. But it was not about the food. It was about this need to hang on to my culture because it was not anywhere around me.

This year I am an advisor for a group of Asian Pacific Islander students. Being able to be in that role and for them to have an adult that looks like them I know is bigger than they realize right now. I have more outlets now to express that layer of my identity.

At your current age and life stage, what do you cling to in terms of personal identity?

Right now I am steadfast and passionate about being a woman. In my late 20s and early 30s, I was just starting to emerge in that enthusiasm. But now I know that it is such a core value. So now I am constantly seeing myself through that lens.

How does that look for my students, for my niece, in my romantic relationship? It is a huge part of my personal identity that I refuse to back down on. It is like that base coat to what is always there. Because of that, I am very aware of my language and other peoples’ language. I try to do my part to bring awareness to other people that may not have that awareness.

Then there is the relationship aspect. I am realizing now that I do not know if I have ever dated men who firmly stated that they were feminists. I have always dated men that respect women and who were comfortable saying that they believe that men should be paid the same, but not comfortable with everything else. I have had really interesting conversations about it.

How have you seen that value interact in your current romantic relationship?

Those values are respected by my partner but maybe less understood. He knows that it is important to me but as far as him embracing it with me it is a day-to-day thing. It is a matter of me living as a woman every day but he does not quite get it.

What would “getting it” look like?

I think it would be him having the awareness before I have to point it out to him. If I have a frustrating day with other leadership at work and I come home to talk to him, I would like him to offer insight into power differentials.

Right now, his implicit bias is to not think about any of those deep layers. Our discussions are introductory and take a lot of energy. It is not because I hate men and I cannot parallel it to anything that he might experience, because it is just different. He is a very intelligent, caring, compassionate person.

These conversations require a lot and we start to get into his own identity challenges as a biracial man. It makes me mad when I see the impact of societal power structures in our relationships. There are wedges in place that make me feel bad about being a woman or being a person of color. Those divides make me feel less competent and less valued. And if you are in a position of privilege, you get to choose to care about it or not.

How does your faith interact with these values?

My faith is about loving my neighbor. In Catholic social teaching, one of the main tenets is human dignity and making people aware of their dignity. I think that is one of the most important pieces of me coming around to my identity. I want to be seen. I want to be valued. I want to feel dignity about who I am. And I want other people to feel that way.

When I look at Jesus, he was a radical. He did not follow all the rules. He did what was right and dignified. He hung out with ALL people.

I work in a faith-based organization. Sometimes I feel like my work and personal faith and values are in line. Other times they are at odds.

Anything else that you would like to say about personal identity at this current life stage?

I feel more comfortable in that I know my foundation and my values but I am still learning about myself and I am still understanding the complexities that come with my identities. Knowing who I am at my core makes me more comfortable with the changes. I am tethered to something stable.

Advice for someone who has never thought about personal identity?

Start digging in. The conflicts that may arise or the dissonance that you may experience in your future will come back to who you are, what you believe in, and what you value. You have got to figure out what tethers you.

Start with yourself. It was helpful for me to work through some of that with a therapist. Identity rises up from my own self-awareness. Themes that surround your identity will come out. It will come out sooner or later anyway. And it can be fun learning about yourself!