7 Signs of Codependency in Family Relationships

Families vary in how healthy the relationships between family members are. Often, those unhealthy dynamics can persist across generations. We can inherit behaviors and problems from our parents and pass these on to our children. By observing the people closest to us, we learn what it means to be in the world, and that can include unhealthy behaviors that are modeled for us. Read on to learn more about signs of codependency in family relationships.

Our families are the first places where we learn our values, and where we learn how to relate to other people. This means that our families set the pattern for what we think is normal behavior, and that pattern may indeed be healthy or unhealthy, including being codependent.

A mind shift is needed to identify codependency

People with low self-esteem can believe that no one would want to be in a relationship with them. This, in turn, can lead to attempting to alleviate that poor self-esteem by being with and helping others who are low-functioning. When compared to these others, one appears competent, and that can then boost one’s self-esteem. Being a helper, rescuer, or fixer can become a way to boost self-esteem and cement a place in the family.

Often, codependency can mask itself as something else. At its core, a codependent relationship is about a lack of balance; one person fills the role of the primary giver, while the other person functions as a recipient. The sense of closeness or intimacy is predicated on that imbalanced pattern of giving and receiving. The relationship is based on one person undergoing crisis after crisis, while the other rescues them.

The problem with a codependent dynamic is that it can be masked and viewed as positive. Stepping in to help a family member is, under normal circumstances, one of the things that families do best. However, helping someone under every circumstance is not healthy. In some situations, being “helpful” can simply make room for unhealthy behaviors such as addictions or irresponsibility.

Loving another person doesn’t mean doing everything for them. In fact, that will lock them into underperforming and not taking responsibility for themselves and their lives. Far from beneficial, sacrificing yourself to make up for deficiencies in another person only succeeds in entrenching that bad behavior. If you’re always there to rescue them from themselves, they won’t understand responsibility.

One of the primary mind shifts that need to happen regarding codependency is recognizing that loving someone doesn’t preclude accountability. “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:6, NIV) That can mean pointing out when a person takes advantage of you or begins to damage your health. Your help, if it is not given wisely, can inadvertently foster incompetence, unhealthy dependence, and irresponsibility.

When a person takes advantage of another, disrespecting them, and squandering their resources and time, it’s not loving to allow them to do so without accountability. It’s harming them to allow them to continue without being called to account. It’s unhealthy to sacrifice oneself endlessly to continue trying to meet the needs of someone who isn’t invested in their own well-being. We all need to grow and learn to take care of ourselves and our own needs.

Signs of codependency in family relationships

Being part of a family means that you don’t have to go through life alone. There is no way to do life well without some form of dependence on others. We need the support, love, encouragement, and the presence of others to flourish and become our best selves. Being your best self means becoming the sort of person who can tackle problems reasonably well and can effectively use the support of others to get back on their feet again.

Codependence differs from this healthy form of dependence in several ways, including being so entangled with others that you have difficulty identifying your own feelings, carrying an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others, having an extreme need for approval, and self-sacrifice that’s ultimately detrimental to your well-being.

Some of the signs of codependency to look out for include the following:

Having trouble saying “no”

A codependent person tends to want to please others, and so they struggle with being able to refuse requests from others. They may sacrifice their own needs to be more available for others. In one sense, they lose their voice and ability to advocate for themselves and their needs.

A lack of clear boundaries in a family can mark a codependent dynamic. Healthy relationships require boundaries so that people can maintain their individuality and be able to meet their needs.

Lacking a defined sense of self

A codependent person will often become or be what the people around them want them to be. They will try to fit in everywhere without carrying their authentic self with them into those situations. Instead of having personal values and a sense of who they are and what they want, a codependent person will often take their cues from others.

The need for external validation

Getting satisfaction from a pat on the back is a good thing. It can become a problem if you become so externally focused that your sense of self-worth comes from other people. The need for validation from others is often what lies at the root of needing to save others such as those caught in substance addiction. Helping others gives a sense of identity and validation.

Being too involved

It’s never easy seeing a loved one going through a tough time. It can be tempting to step in and take them out of the situation every time. However, it’s possible to be too involved, and that point is usually when you try to interfere and make it your mission to ensure that they don’t suffer or go through a tough time. People need space to handle their own problems.

Indecision

Tied to the idea of having a poor sense of self is the notion that a codependent person will struggle to make decisions for themselves. This can stem from a lack of confidence in one’s own judgment, and the need to get the all-clear from others before deciding something.

A lack of emotional self-regulation

If a person hasn’t developed a clear sense of themselves, or an awareness of their own feelings, thoughts, and opinions, they may not have a well-developed ability to recognize their own emotional state. Trying to manage others and help them while remaining oblivious to yourself can lead to frustration and interpersonal conflict due to frustration or anger.

Enabling destructive behaviors

In a codependent situation, the unhealthy behaviors of one member are enabled in various ways, including consistently bailing them out of trouble, making excuses for their behavior, or covering up their mistakes.

Taking active steps to overcome signs of codependency

Signs of codependency in a family can take shape in various ways, including having one sibling who consistently bails out their troubled sibling, a parent who is overly protective of their child, or a child who assumes the role of caregiver in the family over others. Codependent family dynamics can make healthy behaviors such as having clear boundaries and prioritizing personal needs seem selfish or uncaring when nothing could be further from the truth.

Moving past and breaking free from codependency in your family relationships is something that requires taking an honest look at how you relate to each other, and a courageous willingness to seek help. In families, people become used to dysfunctional helping as normal, so it takes intentional work to confront and change these patterns.

Overcoming codependency will require seeking therapy or counseling to begin addressing the underlying issues that contribute to codependent behaviors in the family. Family therapy can help identify and break unhealthy learned habits in a family. When a family is unwilling to go for therapy, individual counseling is helpful. Counseling will help with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries for a better family dynamic.

If you can recognize signs of codependency in your life or in that of someone you love, reach out to our offices. We can set you up with one of the skilled counselors in our directory to assist in the soul work ahead.