Family Rifts: Exploring the Causes and How to Resolve Them

We have all probably heard the saying, “Blood is thicker than water.” It implies that the bond between family members is stronger than any other relationship a person forms. The family has always been regarded as the core component of society where individuals are supposed to feel safe, find unconditional love and support, and a sense of belonging. This saying, however, is criticized by some and does not always hold.

Some mental health professionals encourage their patients to create healthy boundaries or even cut off toxic people in their lives even if they are family. Family ties, as valuable as they may be, are unfortunately not as unbreakable as some would want to believe for several reasons. Two common ones are family conflicts and sibling rivalry.

Family rifts due to conflict

Family relationships are not immune to conflicts and sometimes if conflicts go unresolved, they will lead to deep hurt and resentment. An example from the Bible of how unresolved conflict can tear up a family is a story that spans from 2 Samuel 13-18.

In this story, King David’s son Amnon raped his sister Tamar. Because of this incident, Tamar lived in desolation. This is shown through the symbolic act of Tamar putting ashes on her head and tearing her robe while weeping loudly. Although King David heard about this issue and was furious about it, he didn’t take any action to address it.

Tamar later lived with her other brother Absalom who was angered by what Amnon had done and by his father’s inaction. Two years later Absalom killed his brother Amnon as revenge for what he had done to their sister.

Amnon’s death led to a series of tragic events in the family including Absalom fleeing from home and being estranged from his father. Although he later returned, his father, King David wouldn’t speak to him for years. Consequently, Absalom later led a rebellion against his father King David which resulted in Absalom’s death.

This unresolved conflict, which hung over the family’s heads for years, led to resentment and the tragic loss of life. This is not just a tale from the Bible, thousands of years ago. We still see variations of this story in our present-day world. There are numerous media reports of cases where family members resent each other to the point of killing each other due to ongoing and unresolved family conflicts.

The biggest lesson from the story of Absalom is that as families we will sometimes encounter complex issues. However, we must never sweep issues under the carpet as this may lead to even bigger problems. Efforts must be put toward healthy and constructive conflict resolution strategies by all the parties to the family conflict.

We may be tempted to think that when other members of our family are fighting the best thing to do is to stay neutral and not be involved. That is not always best because communication is key to repairing family rifts.

King David, although furious, acted as though nothing had happened. This no doubt added to Tamar’s sense of betrayal and Absalom’s fury. Silence or looking the other way will never miraculously resolve matters but rather adds to existing issues.

Instead of avoidance, which might allow resentment to fester, rather explore ways of dealing with the issue. Finding a neutral mediator, such as a counselor, or undergoing family therapy, will help the family to heal from their conflict. This avoids widening the family rift.

Family rifts due to sibling rivalry

In almost every family, sibling rivalry is inevitable at some point. The competition, jealousy, and fights that often start in childhood over toys, can grow into something bigger if left untamed. In some cases, parents are to blame for sibling rivalry because they show favoritism between their children.

One of the well-known stories of sibling rivalry in the Bible is the story of Esau and Jacob who were born to Isaac and Rebekah. The story is found in the Book of Genesis 25-33. The brothers were twins who even fought when they were in their mother’s womb as if preparing for the turbulent life ahead of them.

Although Esau was the first to be born, making him the rightful heir of their father’s estate, Jacob manipulated his brother to sell him his birthright for a bowl of stew in his moment of weakness. Their parents also added to this dynamic because they had clear favorites. Isaac loved Esau while Rebekah preferred Jacob.

Due to favoritism, Rebekah conspired with Jacob to deceive Isaac in his old age to give his paternal blessing to Jacob instead of Esau as the rightful heir. Upon discovering this deception Esau was enraged. He vowed to kill his brother Jacob as soon as their father died saying, “The days of mourning my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” (Genesis 27:41, NIV)

With Rebekah’s help, Jacob managed to escape and went and lived in Haran for twenty years before returning home. A family rift was created due to this sibling rivalry and the family was torn apart for many years, which was most unfortunate.

There is however a happy ending to this story because the brothers later reconcile with Esau forgiving his brother. This should serve as an important lesson for us as Christians on the importance of forgiveness in mending family rifts.

Jacob also acknowledged his wrongdoing and took the first step of going back home regardless of the many years that had passed. He could have chosen to stay away since many years had passed. Due to the gravity of his betrayal, Jacob was scared his brother might kill him, but he still took the bold move and went back home.

Matthew 5:23, (NIV) says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

The Bible is teaching us that we cannot be at one with God if we know we have hurt our brothers or sisters and do nothing about it. Often, we let pride get in the way of fixing things with our family members which is contrary to what God would have us do.

Esau, on the other hand, could have chosen to hold on to the grudge he had against his brother. He could have chosen not to forgive him or remind him how much he had hurt him. In the account, we are told that Esau ran to his brother and embraced him to symbolize his willingness to forgive, let go, and continue having a relationship with his brother.

The key takeaway from this story is, that no matter how terrible things may get between us and our family members, we need to learn to forgive at some point. God is a loving and forgiving God and would want us to forgive each other regardless of the gravity of the situation.

Forgiveness does not imply pretending nothing happened but shows one’s willingness to move on despite something having happened to anger or hurt us. Forgiveness means putting the relationship first regardless of the conflicts that may exist.

Help for forgiveness

You might be carrying anger or hurt from something that a family member did to you. It may have been months or even years since you vowed never to speak with them ever again. Maybe you are aware that you hurt or angered a family member, and a lot of time has passed. You may not even know how to start mending the rift that now exists between you.

You do not need to be without hope. A counselor can help you work through the wounds you endured or caused in your family. By walking alongside you, a counselor can help you find healing, forgiveness, and ways to reconcile with your family. Call our offices today and book an appointment with one of the counselors at our office.