How to Overcome Abandonment Anxiety

Loss comes in many forms, and it can be devastating. The bonds that we form with other people become part of our everyday existence. We come to count on those relationships, the safe spaces they create, and the nurturing and support they provide. Losing those relationships can be overwhelming. It can also leave you in fear of losing other relationships in a similar way. That’s what’s at the heart of abandonment anxiety.

One way to describe abandonment anxiety is to name it as the kind of fear that a person has of being rejected or left alone. This kind of anxiety can be overcome, and for the believer, it’s an opportunity to deepen one’s faith and grow spiritually.

Where does abandonment anxiety come from?

Many people battle against feelings of abandonment, and these are often the result of losing loved ones, relationships that are broken by conflict, or life transitions such as moving house or losing a job that can leave one feeling isolated. Sometimes, feelings of abandonment come from past experiences of ejection which can result in feeling unworthy.

Several factors can play into a person developing abandonment anxiety, and these include the following:

Experiences in childhood The things that happen to us when we’re children can echo for years afterward. These experiences include growing up in a situation where your basic needs weren’t met or entirely ignored, and you couldn’t count on parents or caregivers to take care of you. They also include experiences such as parental separation or divorce, or losing a loved one to death or illness.

Experiencing trauma Trauma can have the effect of stripping away your sense of safety, and any other givens that were part of your life. Experiencing emotional or physical abuse, being bullied, and undergoing traumatic separations such as being adopted, fostered, or kidnapped may all feed into a sense of abandonment and even feelings of rejection that can last into adulthood.

Genetic and biological factors A person who has a family history of mental health challenges like depression, anxiety, or attachment issues may be more susceptible to abandonment anxiety. If one has imbalances in neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, that can affect how they respond to stimuli like fear, and that includes abandonment anxiety.

Challenging adult experiences. Even when you’re older, your experiences can lead to abandonment anxiety. A romantic relationship can be rocked by issues such as rejection, infidelity, or emotional unavailability. In other relationships such as friendships or in the workplace, conflict, feeling excluded, rejected, or otherwise outside your circle of peers can add to abandonment anxiety. Moving, job loss, and health issues can be contributing factors.

These and other factors can contribute to abandonment anxiety. When you’ve lost loved ones or meaningful connections, fear can set in that other relationships will end in the same or a similar way. Sometimes, fear of abandonment may set in even though abandonment hasn’t happened. Anxiety is often about what could be, and abandonment anxiety is no different.

How Abandonment Anxiety Affects People

If you experience abandonment anxiety, how might that affect you? It’s hard to predict how a person might respond to fear, but some common effects of abandonment anxiety include the fact that it can lead to feelings of unworthiness. If you feel like you were left behind by a loved one, one outcome is to internalize that and start to feel like it’s because there’s something wrong with you.

A person with abandonment anxiety may have a fear of intimacy because intimacy could lead to emotional attachment, and that attachment could be broken, leading to pain. Unfortunately, this fear can end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy because a lack of intimacy can be a significant challenge in relationships, and it can undermine their health.

Abandonment anxiety can lead to a host of other issues such as people-pleasing, being clingy, and needing constant reassurance from others. These are behaviors driven by the fear that loved ones will leave. It also means one can be particularly sensitive to anything that could be perceived as rejection, leading to emotional reactivity, which in turn can result in volatile, strained, and conflict-ridden relationships, which aren’t healthy.

One of the other unfortunate results of abandonment anxiety is that it can lead to a pattern where the individual unconsciously seeks out relationships that wind up reinforcing their fears of abandonment. An example of this is when a person who had remote or uninvolved parents or caregivers finds themselves with a partner who is emotionally unavailable or abusive.

Overcoming Abandonment Anxiety

The roots of abandonment anxiety can go deep, stemming from childhood experiences that shape a person’s expectations around relationships, as well as how they are in those relationships. Abandonment anxiety can bring a lot of unhealthy fruit, such as feelings of unworthiness, emotional reactivity, and a lack of stability in relationships.

God, however, is a God who loves us deeply, and who can intervene in our lives in subtle, but sometimes dramatic ways. He desires for us to have whole and wholesome lives, free from various bonds that take away from our joy. The Lord can work in you to help you heal from the wounds that have shaped your relationships and that have made you anxious.

One of the ways to begin overcoming abandonment anxiety is to embrace the Lord’s love and presence. No matter what we go through, God won’t abandon or leave us. God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5, NIV). He also reminds us in several places, particularly in Romans 8:38-39, that nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. That is a sure foundation.

There is also a lot that can be gained from being in community with others. As we pray, we can connect with the Lord, casting our anxieties on Him and releasing our fears to take hold of His peace (Philippians 4:6-7). We can do this by ourselves, but also in community with others. Through deep and intentional fellowship with others, it’s possible to form healthy relationships that provide solace and a different set of experiences.

There are some other practical steps you can take to overcome abandonment anxiety, and they include the following:

Meditation on Scripture Making Scripture meditation a part of your daily life helps by reminding you of the reality of God’s presence and love. Soaking your heart and mind in these realities can help nourish your spirit, reorient your thoughts, and challenge unhealthy thinking patterns.

Journaling We all need a space to process our emotions safely. If there’s no one at hand to talk to (or if you happen to feel like it), you can start a journal. Taking the time to write down your thoughts and prayers can be a therapeutic way to process your emotions.

Practice gratitude There are many benefits to nurturing habits of gratitude. Whether you journal or pray about what you’re grateful for, taking stock of the things in your life that are blessings can help you remind yourself of the Lord’s provision and the fact that life is good. This can boost your mood and help to challenge your abandonment fears.

Be creative There’s nothing quite like getting your creative juices flowing to help you process and articulate complex thoughts and emotions, including fear. Creative endeavors like making music, drawing, painting, or using words to express yourself can help you process your feelings. You can also use the prayers of lament in Scripture to express your fears while connecting with the Lord.

Get some exerciseThis probably gets said a lot, but with good reason: get some exercise, and better yet, do it regularly. Doing physical activity regularly (and it’s even better if you double up and do that exercise out in nature) can improve your mental well-being. Take prayer walks around your neighborhood or meditative hikes. The exercise will elevate your mood, and prayer helps you to connect with the Lord.

Find accountability Life is better lived with others. Sometimes, we walk alone because we’re afraid of letting others in, or because we assume they may not care. It may be risky to open yourself up to another person, but it’s well worth it. Find a trusted friend or mentor you can share your journey with. It makes a world of difference to have someone to pray with, hold you accountable, and provide support.

Counseling The roots and fruit of abandonment anxiety can require dedicated time, patience, and effort to unpack and begin undoing. You can talk with a Christian counselor who will provide you with professional guidance and spiritual encouragement.

Your counselor can help you develop effective strategies that can manage anxiety in your life, and nurture healthier relationships with others. To schedule an appointment with a counselor who can help you overcome abandonment anxiety, contact our office today.