Coping with Complicated Grief

We have all lost someone dear to us. Grief is a natural process as we mourn for those we love, or an opportunity lost. This world as we know it is fallen and broken, and until Christ comes back, grief is a part of this life.

However, grief can sometimes take on a life of its own, pulling us away from moving forward. Complicated grief is a serious but treatable condition.

What is complicated grief?

There are five stages of grief that a person moves through as they process their emotions. There is no time limit for these stages, and a person may cycle back through them more than once until they reach acceptance.

The five stages of grief are:

• Shock or denial.
• Anger.
• Bargaining.
• Depression.
• Acceptance.

Shock or denial is the first stage of grief. You may not believe that an event has occurred or that someone has passed away. You might feel numb and go about the administrative work required when someone dies without feeling the emotion.

Anger is the second stage of grief. You might become angry at a loved one for leaving (dying or walking away), or you might be angry at yourself if you are grieving the loss of a business, relationship, or home. You might look to blame someone else as you try to manage the grief.

Bargaining is the third stage of grief. With bargaining, you try to relieve the grief by making a deal with yourself or God. You might beg God to take you instead of your loved one. You might promise to be better if God brings back your loved one, home, or business. You might agonize over what could have happened if you had done something differently.

Depression is the fourth stage and can last the longest. Many people get stuck in this stage for a long period of time. Persistent sadness, sleep problems, appetite changes, and physical conditions such as unexplained headaches and body aches, stomach issues, fatigue, and memory problems.

Acceptance is the final stage. It is learning to live in the world without your loved one, relationship, business, or the source of your grief. It is resuming self-care and protecting your mental health. It involves accepting your emotions and managing the sensations.

Grief comes in waves. Even after you have reached the acceptance stage, there will be times when a memory triggers tears or heartache. Counseling aims to equip you with the skills to move through these moments.

Complicated grief is a term used for debilitating grief that sidelines life for 12 months or more. The effects of grief interfere with your day-to-day tasks, work, schooling, relationships, and more.

Complicated grief can also coexist with depression, and often, both conditions need to be addressed by a mental health professional.

For example, you may find it challenging to get out of bed in the morning, feel a deep sadness, feel lethargic, distance yourself from your family, do the bare minimum for personal hygiene, and only do what is necessary at work while also experiencing physical symptoms. A mental health professional may diagnose you with major depression and grief and create a health care plan to address the symptoms.

Managing complicated grief

Grieving is draining. Combined with depression, it can feel like it will never end. You can manage complicated grief with a few tips.

Seek help

There are various psychological techniques in counseling that you can learn to help manage complicated grief. For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), acceptance therapy, and group therapy are effective methods for dealing with grief.

Sometimes, just being permitted to grieve can release emotions. Your counselor will discuss your situation during an assessment and create a care plan. You may learn skills you will need to practice that help you separate the different emotions. Your counselor will work with you to reassess as needed to help you reach the acceptance stage.

Get plenty of high-quality rest

Grief can leave our emotions in a heightened state, making it easy to snap at others or distance ourselves from loved ones because we feel irritable or hurt. Getting enough high-quality sleep, rest, and relaxation can combat these emotions.

Try to create an evening routine conducive to good sleep. For example, start your routine after dinner. You might take a warm bath, make a cup of tea, and climb into bed with a book. It might be hard to fall asleep immediately but stay consistent. Eventually, your mind will recognize the routine as a trigger for sleep. You might want to remove the television and devices from the bedroom if the blue light disrupts your sleep.

Eat balanced meals

Grief can change our appetites. One depression symptom is appetite changes and rapid weight gain or loss. Often, grieving people gain or lose a significant amount of weight, which leaves them feeling anxious and upset over their body image. They may withdraw even more from social events.

To counter physical changes, eat a few small balanced meals daily. Spread them out every three to four hours to keep your blood sugar in check, as low blood sugar can make you feel worse. Choose lean proteins, fresh fruits and vegetables, healthy fats, and complex carbohydrates.

Don’t worry about timelines

Grief is not on a one-size-fits-all timeline. Your best friend may have lost her father and seemingly moved quickly through the stages of grief and resumed her life a few weeks later while you have been grieving the loss of your spouse for two years. Neither of you is wrong in the timeline of your grief. People grieve differently.

The problem lies when the grief is all-consuming for an extended period of time, and you can no longer function to work, clean, or care for yourself and others. When the grief jeopardizes your physical and mental health, job, and relationships, then you should seek help, but do not hold yourself to a strict timeline of when you should “get over this.”

Find a healthy outlet

You might not feel like socializing or resuming your favorite hobbies or interests, yet these actions can help you cope with complicated grief. You need a healthy outlet to release emotions. This could be a physical activity like yoga, Tai Chi, or kickboxing, where you can concentrate on your movements.

Sitting with your emotions and expressing them in the written word also helps. Try journaling your thoughts and emotions. Allow yourself free reign on the page. No one needs to view your journal. You might reread your journal entries years from now to see how you came through the loss.

Connect with a church community

Leaning into your faith during the grieving process can help. When you depend on God’s strength because you don’t think you have any left, you draw closer to Him. He provides grace, strength, and peace for your mind and soul. God knows the world is broken and that we will face loss and death. He sent His Son to bring us closer to Himself.

Sharing your struggle and pain with your church community can lighten the load. As a Christian, you were not created to live in a vacuum but in fellowship with other believers. Welcome their support and encouragement during this season.

If you do not belong to a church, find a local church that follows Christ and the Bible. Some churches also offer bereavement support for members and the community as an outreach program.

Christian counseling

Do you feel swallowed up in complicated grief? Are you having trouble moving forward? Are you stuck in one of the stages of grief? If your complicated grief interferes with your relationships, career, schooling, or mental health, please reach out for help.

We can help you manage grief and adopt new strategies. Contact our office today to schedule an in-person or virtual session with a counselor.