How to Cope with Sexual Addiction and Relational Trauma

Mending Shattered Bonds in Marriage

Facing the Truth

Sexual addiction, whatever form it takes, wreaks havoc on a marital bond, and there are few words to describe what one experiences emotionally when they discover their spouse is firmly caught in its grasp. My clinical experience treating couples has continually confirmed that spouses who personally discover or learn of their partner’s sexual addiction, experience unimaginable emotional chaos.

This chaos can be characterized by powerful emotional responses based on a breach of the marital bond, and reach the level of what is called relational trauma. Reid and Woolley (2006) explain, “Hypersexual behavior can have a devastating impact on attachments between partners in committed couple relationships. An array of emotions is activated by these attachment ruptures, including feelings of betrayal, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, and abandonment (Reid & Woolley, 2006).”

As a result, the treatment and recovery of a married couple seeking to heal from such attachment ruptures require that careful attention be paid to treating the traumatic symptoms experienced by the emotionally injured or betrayed spouse.

The Symptoms

The symptoms of relational trauma are often similar to those experienced by an individual suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Steffens and Means (2009), in their seminal bookYour Sexually Addicted Spouse, list many of these symptoms: hyperarousal, hypervigilance, mood swings, flashbacks, rage, intrusive images, reliving the event, sleeplessness, anxiety, oversensitivity, depression, confusion, panic attacks, denial, restlessness, nightmares, dissociation, withdrawing, overeating, immune/endocrine system problems, inability to eat, chronic fatigue, avoidance, health problems, immobility, and helplessness.

They additionally describe resulting behavioral-emotional patterns:

• Avoidance of activities which serve as reminders of the traumatic event.
• Seeking to avoid future pain by trying to control a partner’s addiction, by numbing one’s own feelings, or by choosing denial.
• Experiencing intense psychological distress (anxiety, fear, panic); these emotions are often described as unpredictable and as coming in waves.
• Having recurrent and intrusive recollections, thoughts, and memories you cannot stop or control.
• Ignoring your “gut” or new evidence that your partner is acting out again, or attempting to control the environment (hypervigilant behaviors).

Today, we recognize these responses by an emotionally injured spouse as “attempts to find safety and security following the most devastating of all traumas: the betrayal of trust(Steffens & Means, 2009).”

Love and Hate

Many betrayed spouses maintain an unquestionable love for their partner while at the same time holding onto feelings of fear, hurt, rage, and uncertainty as to whether they should stay in the marriage. Some even condemn themselves for questioning their commitment to their spouse and wonder if doing so makes them a bad person. Let me make it very clear that spouses who experience these thoughts and emotions are not bad or “sinful” individuals.They are deeply hurt individuals seeking to protect themselves from further emotional damage (Steffens & Means, 2009).

Setting Boundaries

Husbands and wives who are experiencing the effects of relational trauma often need their spouse to respect and abide by certain boundaries before healing can occur for them individually. This act of boundary setting is also a crucial component of their endeavor to reestablish a sense of security in their lives, and may include:

• Needing their spouse to enter into a sex addiction treatment program.
• Having internet filtration software placed on their computers and getting rid a data plans on their cell phone devices.
•  Requiring both members to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Although the specific types of boundaries needed by an emotionally injured spouse may vary from this list, the point is that they need their boundaries to be followed by their spouse as part of the trust building process. If their husband or wife refuses to abide by them, this adds to the complicated process of rebuilding trust and security in their marriage.

The Mending Process

Sexual addiction does not have to lead to the end of a marriage. Spouses who are willing to engage in counseling and do the hard work of restoring the trust, security, and openness needed for their marriage to heal can reap the benefits of doing so in the end. Treatment options include:

• Seeking treatment from a Christian counselor who has a background in treating sexual addiction, and who understands the nature of relational trauma.
• Individual counseling for the emotionally injured spouse to help them work through the symptoms of relational trauma, address / validate their underlying feelings and thoughts, rebuild their sense of identity and worth, and identify boundaries they will need to set with their spouse.
• Individual counseling and / or mentoring-support groups for the addicted spouse.
• Couple counseling to help rebuild the trust, security, and emotional connection in their marriage.

Though the counseling process will not be easy, and may last for some time, a couple can ultimately learn how to overcome the impact of sexual addiction in their marriage.

Conclusion

As a Christian Counselor, my background includes helping individuals break free from the bonds of sexual addiction, and helping couples work to restore the trust and emotional security so badly damaged by the addiction. Therefore, I welcome the opportunity to work with those reading this article who may be experiencing the symptoms of relational trauma, who desire to break free from the bonds of sexual addiction, or who desire marriage counseling to restore the relational-emotional bonds with their spouse.

Lastly, never forget you are a person of great value and worth, and never hesitate to cry out to God for help.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. —  Psalm 34:17

References
-Reid, R. & Woolley, S. R. (2006). Using emotionally focused therapy for couples to resolve attachment ruptures created by hypersexual behavior. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13, 219–239.
– Steffens, B., Means, M. (2009). Your sexually addicted spouse: How partners can cope and heal. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.