Can Christians Be Kinky? A Christian Counselor’s Viewpoint

I have sexual fantasies, but am not sure if I should act upon them.

So, you are having kinky sexual thoughts and are wondering whether, as a Christian, it is OK to have those thoughts? Or perhaps you are not worried about having the thoughts, but about whether it is OK to actually engage in the kinky sex that you envision?

Let’s Be Honest

We all have kinky thoughts. Yes, even the righteous and the self-proclaimed righteous, every single one of them has kinky thoughts from time to time. So, the fact that you are having kinky thoughts does not mean that you are abnormal or in any way un-Christian. What it means is that you are a living, breathing human being.

Wait! What exactly do you mean by “kinky thoughts,” anyway?

There are many answers to this question because the truth is what we define as kinky is different for all of us. For some, thoughts of oral sex are kinky. For others, kinky is defined by different sexual positions or the introduction of new forms of stimulus to your sexual exploration. Whatever it is, kinky is defined by that which makes us a bit uncomfortable….by that which pushes us beyond our realm of sexual normalcy.  Exploration of our kinky thoughts can be an opportunity for sexual growth and development. It can also be a path to unhealthy behavior.

Can I Act Upon My Kinky Thoughts?

There are boundaries to our sexual behavior. Thoughts that involve harming or in any way degrading your sexual partner are unhealthy and never appropriate for acting upon. If you have these kinds of thoughts, sharing them with a Christian counselor is the best way to learn how to flush them from your mind.

But assuming that your thoughts are all healthy and appropriate for acting upon with a sexual partner, the answer to the question is yes, it is definitely OK for Christians to live out their kinky fantasies. Of course, some would say the answer is no because the Bible talks at great length about avoiding sexual immorality. But there is nothing in Scripture that says healthy, imaginative sexual play and exploration between partners is immoral. In fact, it can be one of the most glorious forms of expressing our love.

Sex is Not Bad

The Song of Songs, one of the books that make up the Old Testament, speaks

specifically about sexual intimacy. It tells the story of two lovers and their expressions of physical love. Here are three verses in particular that capture the flavor of the book:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry!  Let the king bring me into his chambers. – The Song of Songs 1:2-4

Or, check out this line from Proverbs:

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.  – Proverbs 5:18-19

The point is, expressing the physical, sexual aspect of your relationship in new and different ways is not necessarily immoral.  Allowing yourself to expand beyond the limits of your sexual norms can be an empowering, beautiful and enriching aspect of your relationship.

A Matter of Trust

Sexual exploration with your partner is always an exercise in trust. The most satisfying sex is sex that is based on an unyielding sense of trust in the person you are with. When you reveal your sexual desires, you make yourself vulnerable to your partner. The discussions of what your desires are and how you want to act upon them provide an opportunity for the building of trust between one another. Determining whether you want to share your sexual thoughts in the first place, will be based entirely on your sense of trust in your partner and the amount of risk you can tolerate within yourself. Actually putting your thoughts to words for your partner to hear will develop a whole new layer of trust.

Don’t Be Afraid

Don’t be afraid of kinky thoughts. They can lead to wonderful explorations with your partner and a broadening of your sexual maturity. But it is important to be sure, before acting on any kinky sexual fantasies, that they are healthy. If you are unsure, A Christian counselor can help you decipher between the healthy and the unhealthy thoughts, and more importantly, can teach you ways to release the unhealthy thoughts from your mind.  I invite you to contact our counselors at Seattle Christian Counseling, who can walk you through the process of understanding and embracing your sexual fantasies.

 

Photos
“Closeup Portrait Of Smiling Young Couple In Love” by David Castillo Dominici on Freedigitalphotos.net; “Rose Petals And Glass Heart” by Victor Habbick on freedigitalphotos.net.