25 Practical Tips for Codependency Recovery

Codependency is a relationship that has a dysfunctional dynamic where one person takes on the role of being the “giver” who sacrifices their well-being for the sake of the “taker.” This relationship isn’t always romantic; there are times it can occur between friends, parents, children, or other family members. The term is often used in the substance abuse realm to define a relationship that’s consumed by drug addiction. Another term can be “enabling relationships.”

Codependent relationships are typically one-sided. The caregiver wants to maintain the relationship and not upset the other person. This allows for unhealthy behaviors to continue which eventually lead to destruction and dysfunction.

This is where the term enabling applies. An enabler makes it possible for an individual to continue destructive behavior, such as addiction, instead of facing it and pursuing help. Codependency recovery is possible for both people in the relationship.

Are there causes of codependency?

The short answer is yes. Codependency is caused by different factors that are most often developed during childhood. The typical contributing factors include:

• Living with a family member who has a chronic physical or emotional illness.
• Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse trauma during childhood.
• A family member with substance abuse disorders.
• A self-damaging thought process and poor boundaries.

Am I codependent?

Identifying codependency requires an intentional decision to examine the relationship and take ownership of personal responsibility. This can be a vulnerable time for the person who is the “giver.” There needs to be honesty about the relationship patterns and personal behaviors. A Christian counselor can help you identify the signs of codependency.

Codependency is a pattern that involves one person who needs the other, while that other person needs to be needed. It is a vicious dysfunction that causes destructive thought patterns.

A few of the more common signs are:

• Avoidance of any confrontation with the other person. Fear of expressing concerns.
• Doing anything for the other person, even if it means being uncomfortable. Compromising their values and integrity.
• Feelings of a lost sense of self.
• Trying to change or save others from a destructive life of drug/alcohol abuse/addiction.
• Feeling sorry for the other person even when they hurt you.
• Apologizing even if you have done nothing wrong.
• Never having time for oneself because the other person consumes all your free time.
• Requiring others to like you to feel good about yourself.
• Others are put on a pedestal no matter how they treat you.
• Denial about what you feel.
• Unable to make decisions.
• Low self-esteem and harsh self-judgment.
• Unable to voice needs.
• Offering unsolicited advice and trying to manipulate other people’s thoughts and actions.
• Strong desire to feel needed.
• Avoid any situation that may evoke vulnerability.
• Indirect communication to avoid conflict.

These signs are not on an either-or scale. They can vary in intensity, and not all of these may be present in the codependent person. They can be grouped into denial patterns, low self-esteem patterns, control patterns, avoidance patterns, or compliance patterns.

The best way to determine codependency is through a Christian counselor. Some of the signs and symptoms of codependency can be related to other mental health issues so the online questionnaires are not a reliable way to diagnose codependency.

Living life after codependency

Just like any other mental health issue, codependency can be overcome. Recovery can be challenging. It can also seem like no progress is being made. Learning what to look for in recovery starts with understanding that it is not possible to master every aspect of recovery. The first step is recognizing that your value isn’t found in others.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. – Ephesians 2:10, ESV

25 Things to change for codependency recovery

When it comes to codependency recovery, a little change at a time is better than trying to master changing everything at once. Choose one or two to work on, then move to the next. There is no certain order to follow when changing codependent behavior.

• Take time to say nice things to yourself. Your worthiness is not found in the validation of other people.
• Understand that what other people say reflects their thoughts and experiences and may not be true about you.
• Recognize that your health is important and choose to make healthy decisions for yourself.
• Before responding, take a few minutes to calm your thoughts and emotions. Not everything or everyone needs a response.
• Know that mistakes are going to happen, and they are normal.
• Celebrate the progress even if it is small.
• Make note of things you do right and do not dwell on things you do wrong.
• Remove yourself from unhealthy relationships because you know that your health is important.
• When setting goals, make them realistic and attainable.
• Understand that you do not owe anyone an explanation for your choices about what you feel is best for you.
• Learn to recognize gaslighting, abuse, manipulation, or any other mistreatment. Voice your concern about it and don’t feel compelled to remain in the situation.
• Learn to ask for what you need.
• Allow yourself to have alone time without explaining why or feeling guilty.
• Understand that you are not responsible for the choices others make.
• Accept that you cannot fix other people’s behaviors or change them.
• Give yourself grace when you make a mistake.
• Set boundaries to keep your space safe and healthy.
• Recognize that you deserve respect.
• Don’t protect people from the circumstances and consequences of their choices.
• Know that you do not need to prove anything through achievements.
• Let go of the expectation of pleasing everyone.
• Trust the opinions that matter and let go of the rest.
• Do not compromise your beliefs, values, or goals.
• Your value does not depend on appearance, age, financial status, relationships, or the opinions of others.
• Understand that only you can decide to make changes that will promote a healthy lifestyle.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men – Colossians 3:23, ESV

Recovering from codependency will require the intentional process of getting to know yourself. You must recognize the fear that caused you to become codependent and be willing to reframe that fear. It becomes a process of undoing what took many years to do. This includes learning what you were like before codependency.

Creating a recovery journal can be helpful as you set goals to work on one change at a time. This journal can be a place where you write the questions you ask yourself as you heal and recover from codependent behaviors and patterns.

Love is not codependency

People often try to justify codependency behaviors on how God wants us to love others no matter what. This is not a healthy justification for the love that God desires for us to have. While the codependent person may feel as though they are loving without selfishness that doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy. If we truly love others as ourselves, we will not enable their behaviors, we will want to see them grow.

Love according to the Bible is not based on what you can do for another person. It is based on healthy boundaries that promote a healthy and Godly lifestyle. It is based on loving God above all else.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience – Colossians 3:12, ESV

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. – Mark 12:30, ESV

Next steps for codependency recovery

Codependency is a behavior that results from being in dysfunctional relationships. These relationships have caused a distorted thought process of what love is and what a relationship based on godly principles requires. Even though this behavior has been impacting your life for years, it is possible to recover from codependency and establish a healthy lifestyle.

Connecting with a local Christian counselor can help you determine if codependency patterns are an issue. They can help you with codependency recovery using faith-based processes. If you are ready to talk to a counselor about codependency recovery, contact our office today.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect – Romans 12:2, ESV