8 Communication Mistakes: A Christian Counselor’s Perspective

No matter how in tune you are with your partner, misunderstandings and communication gaffes are always possible. Most people would agree that communication is one of the major keys to a successful relationship. However, many couples aren’t sure what sorts of mistakes they make, and have a hard time pinpointing just where they are going wrong. Just because you are talking does not mean that you are communicating well. And just because you aren’t talking does not mean that you aren’t communicating. Effective communication requires that both partners are able to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings, while also being able to listen to one another.

It is easy for couples to develop bad habits in their communication, and the first step to effective communication is to identify your communication problems. In this article, I present eight of the most common, yet also avoidable, communication mistakes.

Mistake #1: Not Communicating at All

Passive aggressiveness might be the most effective way to hurt or end a relationship. The very first rule of communication is that you have to do it. Not speaking to each other, only responding defensively, and hiding behind thoughtless platitudes are all ways of shutting down communication. And when communication stops, the relationship will begin to die. You cannot really assume that your partner knows how you feel or what you need. Consider this the next time you are about to teach someone a lesson with silence.

Mistake #2: Not Listening and Empathizing

When you hear the word “communication,” do you associate it with speaking or with silently listening? Most of us would respond with speaking, but the key to communication lies in understanding the other person. When both parties seek to understand the other person, then communication works better. When both people are focused on communicating their own thoughts and perspective, who is there to listen?

Empathizing is another key element of relational communication. Empathy is understanding and joining in your partner’s emotional response and need. If you don’t show empathy, they feel alone in their challenge. It is easy for most of us to jump into the giving advice mode too quickly. But when people share their problems, they often don’t need advice. Instead, they need emotional support.

Mistake #3: Blame

When someone is more concerned with pointing out that the other person is at fault, this interferes with positive communication. Effective communication requires that a couple tackle a problem with the desire to solve it as a couple. However, when fingers are pointed, this keeps the couple stuck in the problem and prevents them from working toward a solution. Although it is important to take responsibility for your own behaviors, rehashing whose fault it was and who is to blame is not helpful. Instead, it is more helpful to solve the problem and to maintain the connection that you have as a couple.

Mistake #4: Being Sarcastic

Rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, and making cold, sarcastic remarks turns your partner off, pulls you apart, and creates an atmosphere of fear and coldness in the relationship. By contrast, complimenting, hugging, rewarding, and validating produce much better results. If you have a concern, voice it assertively in a straightforward way instead of making your point with nasty, sarcastic remarks.

Mistake #5: Continuing a Discussion after it has Escalated

Often couples don’t know when to put the brakes on a conversation. However, once things get heated up they can easily pass the point of no return. When people become angry and voices get raised, it is unlikely that anything will get resolved. When individuals are emotional, it is nearly impossible to listen effectively. People tend to focus on what they want to say next, rather than on what their partner is saying. They often raise their voices or keep repeating the same things. Compromise, negotiation, and problem-solving become nearly impossible. It is important for couples to learn how to recognize when they are becoming too distressed to effectively continue a discussion. Taking a break to calm down and gain perspective can be very helpful and can allow each person to be able to think more rationally and to develop empathy for the other’s point of view.

Mistake #6: Yelling

When you feel angry, you probably start to raise your voice. Anger creates tension and as tension builds you look for a way to release or express it. Yelling becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more trouble than it is worth. Unfortunately, the emotion you are feeling upstages the thing that you wanted to communicate. Your message will be diminished and often misunderstood because you caused your partner to become defensive and frustrated, rather than responsive. It’s not that emotion is not part of positive communication, but yelling is a step beyond the line. It sets the stage for heated emotions, rather than constructive input. Emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move beyond them and not fuel them.

Mistake #7: Failure to Consider Your Partner’s Point of View

Sometimes it is just a matter of being clearer, more upfront, and knowing the best way to communicate with your partner that is at the core of better communication. However, it is equally important to make an effort to understand things from your partner’s perspective – something we might not always remember to do. You don’t always have to agree with the other person, but this will at least put you on the same relational page.

Mistake #8: Not Getting Help from a Qualified Christian Counselor

Sometimes we need an impartial voice to help us sort things out. As a Christian counselor, I regularly help couples to work through their communication challenges. Individuals don’t always recognize their blind spots and having a third party involved can to provide very helpful insight. If clients desire to grow and change, and are willing to take ownership of their mistakes, then better communication can definitely occur. I would welcome the opportunity to work with you and your partner in order to improve your communication and thereby improve your relationship. To find out more about how Christian counseling can improve the communication in your relationship, please contact us here