Codependency – A Christian Counselor’s Perspective

Part 2 of a 2-Part Perspective on Codependency Series

In my previous article, I introduced the topic of codependency and considered some of the characteristics of the codependent person. Codependency involves a search for wholeness in which our relationships become distorted because we are using others to fulfill something we feel is lacking in ourselves. By becoming focused on the expectations of others, codependent people can become emotionally trapped in a cycle of fear, anxiety and depression. In this article, I continue to explore characteristics that keep codependent people trapped in unhealthy relationships.

The Role of the Martyr

Codependent people assume a caretaker role in a relationship and have an over-developed sense of responsibility. They work harder on their partner’s problems or relationship issues than their partner does. They feel as if it is their job to make excuses, apologize, or clean up their partner’s mistakes. They are forever rescuing their partner from the consequences of their actions, and feel responsible for their partner’s behavior and feelings. Their mantra is: “Her problems are my problems to bear.”

Codependents find themselves working very hard, but often at great cost to themselves. This sense of self-sacrifice becomes a badge of honor and they happily play the role of the martyr, enduring unbearable situations because they feel they have to. If they are not making people around them happy, they believe that they have failed. They are convinced that if they can just “do it better,” or win people’s approval, their lives will be better (Johnson, 2004).

Weak Boundaries

A codependent person’s very identity and sense of worth is entangled in their relationship. Codependents have weak boundaries and are out of touch with or minimize their own feelings, thoughts and needs. They do not know where they end and the other person begins because they are so enmeshed with their partner. They have difficulty saying no and feel guilty for expressing their own needs. But caretaking gives them a sense of importance and identity and relieves loneliness.

Feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem keep codependent people in toxic relationships. Weinhold and Weinhold state that: “codependents do not trust their own ideas, perceptions, feelings or beliefs. They defer to the opinions of others and don’t offer or stand by their own ideas and opinions” (2008, p. 110). They also have difficulty meeting their own needs and rely on others for this.

The Need to Please

Codependents need external sources to make them feel better about themselves. Their happiness and fulfillment is dependent upon their partner. Subconsciously, this may sound like: “I need you to like me in order for me to like myself.” They people please by helping and being agreeable in order to receive affirmation and approval. Their people pleasing may even enable an addiction or a dysfunctional cycle in the relationship. For example, they may give their partner money for alcohol, or take the blame for a fight, in order to keep the peace in the relationship.

Controlling Others

Codependents seek to control people’s perceptions of them and strive to make a good impression^. (Weinhold & Weinhold, 2008). They have become experts  at controlling others, and also at controlling how they are  perceived by others. This may appear to involve acting perfect, hiding their emotions, or making indirect comments in order to try to change their partner. Codependents tend to be judgmental and to think in rigidly black and white terms^.(Weinhold & Weinhold, 2008). For example, they may say, “It’s not ok to talk my about problems,” or, “It’s selfish to put my own needs before others.” They lack the discernment skills that are needed in order to see the red flags of unhealthy relationships. They also manage to filter out the negatives so that they see only what they want to see in the relationship. A friend may say, “Your boyfriend seems to get angry at you often,” and the codependent would reply, “He is really stressed at work … You know, he is a really hard worker and that’s what I like about him.”

Living in Fear

Addressing the problems in a relationship feels unsafe and scary, and so codependents adapt to their partner’s dysfunctional world because they fear abandonment. They avoid working on their own issues, or deny the existence of these problems, in order to cope. Instead, communication happens indirectly and feelings are not expressed openly because they do not want to “rock the boat” (Johnson, 2004).

Christian Counseling for Codependency

This article has pointed out some of the characteristics of codependent people. If you found yourself thinking that this sounds a lot like you, and if you are wanting a more satisfying relationship and desire to be your whole self, do not despair for there is hope. Christian counseling can help you to understand the root causes of your problem, and also to develop better boundaries and assertive skills. A Christian counselor can help you to recover your lost self and to heal from past trauma. If you would like to explore the possibility of Christian counseling, I would be happy to discuss this with you.

 

References
Johnson, S. (2004). Therapist’s Guide to Clinical Interventions. San Diego: Academic Press. Weinhold, B. & Weinhold, J. (2008). Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap. Novato: Stillpoint Publishing.

Photos
Images from freedigitalphotos.net; “Man Watching Tv Woman Embraces Him” by Ambro; “Two Female Friends” by imagerymajestic