8 Signs of Parental Codependency

Struggling with parental codependency is not something to be ashamed of or to try to quit on your own. But with a supportive team, you can make strides in overcoming learned patterns of behavior.

What are these learned patterns of behavior?

The earliest roots of codependent studies come from families caught in cycles of alcoholism. The patterns of behavior among families who deal with codependency share some common links with families who struggle with addictive behaviors such as alcoholism.

Even if you or anyone in your family has not struggled with addiction or alcoholism, these patterns tend to be learned and passed from one generation to the next. The way to stop that is by breaking the patterns. This can be done through family therapy.

What is parental codependency?

Parental Codependency is when a parent struggles to relate in a healthy way to his or her child, specifically with controlling or dependent behavior. This may include, but not be limited to, controlling mindsets and behaviors or the inability to accept one’s own self-worth, instead trying to garner their self-worth from their child.

Unfortunately, parental codependency, as with any form of codependent behavior, tends to be caught more than taught and typically runs through generational cycles. But those cycles can be stopped.

Here are eight indicators that you may be struggling as a codependent parent.

You are the son or daughter of an authoritative parent

Authoritative parents set rules, establish guidelines, and explain why certain behaviors are or are not allowed in their household. They are usually loving but firm, and while this may contribute to well-adjusted children who grow into self-sufficient adults, it can also backfire.

Some adult children who grow up with authoritative parents struggle with self-doubt or low self-esteem and then continue the cycle by trying to control their children’s behavior with behavior-based rules.

You struggle to understand how you feel

If you continually experience relational difficulties, but you have a hard time knowing how you feel, it may be because you are a codependent parent. This kind of parental codependency can show up as making assumptions about how others feel and not being able to talk about how you feel in the midst of a familial conflict because you can’t identify those emotions easily.

At times, the lack of understanding about how you’re feeling also means you do not speak up about your preferences, desires, or choices.

You struggle with resentment when someone else makes a choice you don’t agree with, whether it impacts you or not

It’s easy for this kind of parent to resent a child or a spouse for choices that don’t align with their own. This is because a parent who is codependent learns to depend on the needs and choices of others rather than stating and standing up for his or her own choices and needs.

This kind of resentment can be hard to spot, particularly because it’s tough to recognize in oneself. However, if you find that you are hurt when a child doesn’t accept your advice, or you are offended if they don’t seem to listen to you when you offer unsolicited feedback, it could be because you resent them for not being controllable.

On the outside, it may seem that you’re the exact opposite of controlling. But if you get to the root of your resentment or hurt feelings, you may discover that it’s because your child doesn’t need you like you want.

You rarely assert your opinion when asked, even though you have one

When it comes to having an opinion about others, it may be easy for you to talk about what you think they should do or how you’d change the situation if you were in their shoes. However, you could struggle to answer something simple, such as, “Where would you like to go to dinner tonight?”

Codependent people, whether they are parents or not, often think that by not having an opinion externally, they will control a person’s viewpoint. They may believe that they’re being agreeable and likable when, in reality, they are not allowing the other person to truly get to know them.

Your struggle to assert your needs and wants could be more about your desire to be liked or thought well of than it is about anything else.

Your desire to help usurps your ability to let others help themselves

Wishing you could help your child is different than going out of your way to make their lives easier.

For example, maybe your child struggles with a specific subject in school because of a lack of work ethic. To see them succeed, you ensure they’re in the lowest possible math class at school to make sure it’s doable for them. Or you hire an expensive tutor for your child, even though he or she isn’t willing to go in for extra help before school, retake tests offered by the teacher, or spend extra time reviewing to learn the math concepts.

Hiring a tutor may seem helpful, but it may also be enabling your child to simply waste time rather than spend the effort reviewing at home, getting help from a teacher, or going back over concepts that may have been missed earlier in his or her schooling.

Some parents even go so far as to ask a teacher to change a student’s grade or allow the child to retake a test that was much earlier in the school year. In the case of a student who just isn’t concerned with grades and doing well, that codependent parent isn’t helping. The parent is actually hurting the child by not holding him or her responsible.

You pretend that someone’s actions don’t bother you

Parental codependency may look like permissive parenting if you are overly concerned that your child likes you or thinks you are cool.

One mark of a codependent person is that they avoid conflict at any cost. This can be particularly damaging in a parent-child relationship if a child understands a parent’s unwillingness to address conflict. Rather than risking what may feel like rejection or getting into an argument, a parent allows their son or daughter to skirt rules and engage in dangerous behavior simply to avoid the hassle or protect their own image.

The conduct of your child does bother you, but you just do not have the courage (possibly disguised as energy) to address it with them. This same kind of avoidant behavior can also fuel damaging romantic relationships for codependent parents, especially if they choose to stay in a relationship that is emotionally or physically abusive.

You do not receive praise or accolades well, yet you also struggle with judgment of others when they express their own thoughts, emotions, or perspectives

If you tend to judge someone else when they stand up for what they think is right or even just a desire they have, you may be exhibiting a symptom of parental codependency. It can also mean you struggle with receiving praise.

A person with low self-esteem will typically deflect compliments because they cannot see themselves as worthy of those compliments. But, equally as reflective of low self-esteem is when a person judges someone else for their ability to say what they think, receive praise from others, or stand up for their own desires in life.

Prioritizing your own desires means you believe you are worthy of them. Someone who doesn’t believe this about themselves will usually struggle to see themselves in a positive light and not compare themselves to someone else.

You care too much

This may sound impossible, especially for a parent. But parental codependency can be disguised by caring too much to the point of never denying your child something they want or not being capable of allowing them to fail.

You may even care too much because your own self-image is tied too tightly to your child’s success and emotional happiness. The adage goes something like this: if my child is happy, I am happy. If my child is sad, I am sad. Unfortunately, that inability to hold your child’s negative emotion and still maintain your own joy isn’t altruistic. It’s codependent.

It usually stems from not having a fully formed sense of who you are apart from your child. This is why some parents are overly controlling, strict, or have a hard time holding to boundaries when their children grow up and become adults.

If you have an adult child, but you’re still calling to tell them what to do in specific scenarios when they didn’t ask for your advice, it may indicate an issue. You may not have learned how to own your thoughts and emotions when you were parented.

Help for Parental Codependency

Parenting cycles such as parental codependency tend to be passed down, but there is hope. The first step is to seek a compassionate counselor who will not shame you or judge you. Therapy can help you sort out the root of your codependent behaviors and beliefs, give you tools to recognize unhelpful thought patterns, and lead you on a path of relational healing with your own parents as well as your children.

The Christian counselors at our office are here to help. Contact our reception team today to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other therapists in our online directory.