A Christian Counselor on Co-narrating: Helping Teen Sons (and Fathers) to Tell Their Stories, Part 4
Chris Lewis
All “A Christian Counselor on Co-narrating” Articles
Part 4 of this 4-Part Series
This series offers personal reflections and therapeutic perspectives related to Dr. William Pollack’s book “Real Boys,” on engaging the hearts of young men who are confronted with the shame-hardening effects of “the Boy Code.” This is Part 2 of a 4-Part series.
When our children were very young, visits to my wife’s native country often elicited bemused stares and comments – from shopkeepers, bystanders, even relatives. I was the gringo also known as “super Pai” (super Dad), simply because my wife and I partnered equally in changing, feeding, rocking and emotionally engaging our kids.
My firstborn literally rode with me through graduate school: strapped to my chest in a baby carrier. After one East Coast visit with my folks, I managed a return flight to Seattle with infant and toddler unscathed – a 13-hour travel day sans wife (who was working). Years later my father confessed to a conversation he’d had with another older Dad: “We thought you were crazy. We never would have attempted that. Or even thought about it.”
Generative Fathering
This is not to suggest that the roles and strengths of mothering and fathering can be reduced to identical, interchangeable parts. However, segmenting these roles by stereotyped, cultural assumptions about gender is equally irresponsible. It only perpetuates the shaming stigma of the “Boy Code,” as outlined previously in this series.
Real Boys author-psychologist William Pollack contends that the “Code” is still pressuring boys and men to abide by a restrictively socialized image of masculinity, one that risks cutting men off from their emotional core selves and deeper relational connections.
Borrowing a term from the late psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, Pollack calls the emerging father a “generative father.” Generative dads have wrestled honestly enough with the heartache of their own stories to resist replicating or hiding behind the “Boy Code” model of the passive, detached or authoritarian father. A generative father, Pollack says, is one who stands by his son and announces, Heneini – “Here I am!” This poetic Hebrew phrase is repeated in the Old Testament (for example, in Abraham’s response to Isaac).
Myths and Mastery
Heneini conveys the self-awareness and emotional presence of a man who’s come to know himself through both triumph and tragedy. Someone who knows not just the conquering, erecting ‘daring-do’ of externalized masculinity, but who’s also risked the raw journey into his inner landscape of confusion and doubt, grounding and strength.
What I refer to as a father or father-figure’s “co-narrating” presence ultimately helps a boy to develop mastery and fluency of his emotional world. (Which I’d argue is more powerful and mature than mere cognitive-behavioral “control” of his emotions).
This requires dispelling what Pollack describes as three cultural “myths” about boys and behavior.
Myth #1: Nature (testosterone) over nurture. The “boys will be boys” maxim that links aggression and biology is not based on science. Yes, there is some hormone-influenced difference in how boys and girls play, but testosterone alone has not been shown to hardwire boys for violence. In general, boys prefer competitive contact in large groups and open spaces, bound by rules and hierarchy, while girls are inclined towards play that is more interpersonal, cooperative, and less structured or forceful. However, research also demonstrates that a nurturing, emotional-relational “holding environment” positively develops a boy’s brain chemistry. Nurture easily becomes nature.
Myth #2: Boys should be boys. Even when it’s considered playful teasing, boys can wilt under shameful reproach for “acting like a girl” or not being “manly enough.” Emotionally aware adults who have worked through their own shaming gender experiences are better equipped to present a more diverse, inclusive image of masculinity, extending a freedom to boys to chart their own course. Pollack contends that there’s no such thing as spoiling a boy with too much affection, which creates a firm base of confidence in his masculine self.
Myth #3: Boys are toxic. The discriminatory view that a boy is less emotionally refined, aware or complex than girls is a dangerous socialization tool that inhibits both his naturally empathic self and his ability to freely experiment and fail.
Ruts and Roles
Pollack advocates “rotating parental responsibilities,” so that a father is not pegged as disciplinarian and mother as nurturer, for example. Gender roles quickly become rigid ruts when Mom functions as a son’s “emotional gatekeeper,” which may communicate that Dad is emotionally impotent, pushing him to over-identify with bread-winning. (Interestingly, research shows that empathic fathers who balance their sons’ needs for “autonomy,” or letting boys push limits, and “affiliation,” or staying involved and intervening, are also the dads successfully navigating a changing, less hierarchical workplace.)
Despite Pollack’s more egalitarian, tag-team parenting approach, hear his first words to fathers: “Fathers are not male mothers.”
Dad-Play and Presence
Fathers have distinct gifts for sons – which are best bestowed with both action and words.
Fathering begins with a very intimate encounter: play. Zestful “Dad play,” or what Pollack calls “enthrallment,” is not merely recreational, but an intensely evocative and empathic learning experience that stimulates a boy, from infancy through adolescence, towards emotional mastery skills. Through supportive father-son play, Pollack states, a boy comes to listen to his own inner emotional states, to identify what’s tolerable, to test and expand his emotional range, to channel his aggression well, and to feel empowered to manage his emotional life and determine his future.
From this base of play and presence grows a generative fathering, in which a Dad:
- Confronts in himself the shaming Boy Code he’s inherited and employed as a parent, which then frees him to (a) support the mother-son relationship, (b) form his own unique bond with son, and (c) more fully share the parenting load without resorting to a traditional or one-dimensional “role” (i.e., disciplinarian).
- Embraces and grieves his “father longings,” those unmet desires and shameful fears of inadequacy from his own childhood father-wound, which often leads to overcompensating and/or emotional avoidance as a parent.
- Manages his emotions without overreacting when a boy uses him as a measuring stick for his own emerging masculinity.
- Meets a boy’s desire for “action empathy,” or action-oriented and nonverbal love. Examples: physical affection, a shared hobby, teaching by “showing” or modeling rather than just “telling.”
- Shares his story, his real emotions of fear, loneliness and failure, so that his son is not tyrannized by his own vulnerability but strong enough to receive others’ love.
- Affirms a son for who he is, not what he does, so that a son’s core masculinity is not threatened by others’ expectations and definitions.
Parental Primer
Pollack’s ideas around creating connection with boys can be summarized as providing:
Home base – Affirmation, sincere collaboration, empathic listening and curiosity will build more genuine trust than advice-giving, lecturing, fixing and cheering-up. A boy senses safety and respect when he’s allowed to process and share feelings at his own pace – what Pollack calls a boy’s “timed silence syndrome.”
Rituals & remembrance – No matter how distant a teenager seems, he longs to hear that a parent misses spending time with him. Boys are often interested in an adult’s memories of adolescence. This can both normalize his anxiety while conveying your efforts to understand the “adolescent crucible” he’s surviving today. Be intentional: creating rituals and regular “dates” – even late-night car drives together – makes it easier to broach tougher subjects like sex or drugs.
Recognition of a boy’s love language – A boy’s natural longings for love and more emotionally-nuanced relationships is often overlooked, but it commonly emerges through activities: creative projects, work, acts of service, showing protective love for others, and a dedication to justice.
Christian Counseling: A Co-narrative Work
Professional Christian counseling can help you to mend or make meaning of your own father-son experience. If in reading this series you feel invited to better narrate the past and present of how this relationship has marked you, and how retelling it may help to determine your future, please contact me here.
References
Pollack, W. (1998). Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company.
Photos
Shadows photo “Basketball shadows” by Jeff Turner Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); Beach photo “Dad & Son” by Cristian Allendes Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0).
