A Structure for Bringing Spouses Back Together

A Christian Based Approach

There are a thousand reasons why married couples drift apart emotionally. However, when you sift through all of the reasons, certain patterns begin to emerge. A primary pattern leading to spousal disengagement lies in withdrawal patterns which arise when bids for connection in a marriage fail over time.

Not “The End”

When such attempts fail to succeed spouses experience great levels of frustration, hopelessness, and discouragement. This discouragement contributes to the mindset that nothing they do to will ever be good enough for their spouse, and that there is no point in continuing to try for connection. Although spouses may feel this way, there are things that can be done to bring them together.

Evaluation of The Heart

The starting point for coming back together lies in a clear evaluation of what is happening in each member’s heart. This evaluation requires a personal look within to identify the central issues that are leading one to disengage from their spouse. The importance of this is continually affirmed when I work with couples who have grown distant or are in distress. When they are able to identify the central issues of their heart and gently express them to their spouse, it literally serves to create a new dynamic between them. This is because they are no longer fighting about details which really don’t matter in the end, but they are literally communicating to one another from the heart.

A Readiness to Listen

Listening cannot be overstated as a primary basis for understanding and reunion. Communicating to each other is great, but if what is being communicated is not really heard and understood, it does little good. I recognize it is possible for married couples to reach the point of no longer wanting to listen because they believe that the same old thing will be stated by their spouse, or they are tired of being criticized by them. This dynamic by itself shows there is a breach in the relationship that must be repaired before the couple can move forward.

Repairing the Breach

Regardless of the level of hurt, frustration, and pain that has led a couple to distance emotionally there is a process they will need to undertake in order for true reunification to occur and endure.

Understand the Emotional Cycle – When the emotional safety in a relationship is called into questions it leads to very strong responses in both members. Dr. Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight, outlines three response patterns couples enter into:

• Find the Bad Guy – engaging in patterns of mutual accusation or blame.
• The Protest Polka – one partner protests the disconnection, the other actively withdraws.
• Freeze and Flee – both partners withdraw into frozen defense and denial.

So, what can married couples do when they find themselves caught in these patterns?

Expressing Core Emotions & Underlying Concerns

One of the greatest things a couple can do is understand the emotions leading each member to either pursue or withdraw. This requires that they slow their conversations down, avoid debating the who did what and when details, and begin addressing their underlying emotions and core concerns. The following are examples of statements that reflect core underlying concerns and emotions:

• I’m scared that you don’t need me anymore. I feel so distant from you.
• I’m discouraged with trying to connect with you because nothing I do feels good enough.

These are powerful statements that serve to draw spouses close together because they address the heart of what is really going on inside each spouse.

Solidifying the New Connection

Married couples who continually choose to connect in this way will find that their ability to stay together during conversations is much higher. They will also develop new patterns of interaction that facilitate a new closeness that will help them stay emotionally connected for the long term.

Seeking Christian Counseling

Developing new patterns in a marriage is not easy. Spouses can truly benefit from seeking Christian-based counseling as they work to come back together emotionally.Seattle Christian Counseling is a wonderful resource where couples can address current concerns in their marriage and learn to establish a healthy emotional bond.

 

References
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.

Photos
“By ones and two,” Roland Lakis, Flickr CreativeCommons, (CC BY 2.0); “1208: there’s something magical in the air,” courtesy of Emilie Rhaupp, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)