ADHD and Intimacy: The Ups and Downs

The combination of ADHD and intimacy can make for unique struggles. There are aspects of ADHD that we don’t understand even as neurodiverse people. Much less can we explain these things to our spouses, romantic partners, and friends. This means that they often misunderstand us, which in turn makes us feel even worse about our situation.

Along with the negatives come many positives, though. Having ADHD doesn’t automatically mean that we are “bad” at intimacy or relationships. There are aspects of ADHD that positively impact relationships and knowing this should be an encouragement for us not to give up on intimacy. Here are some of the ups and downs related to ADHD and intimacy.

Struggles Related to ADHD and Intimacy

Forgetfulness

Forgetting details, important dates, and even plans is a normal (and frustrating) aspect of having ADHD. As with many of the other aspects of ADHD, this forgetfulness often reflects badly on us, making us come across as lazy, uncaring, or insensitive. This is not the case when it comes to a close friend or loved one; we truly want to value them and make them feel special. In this case, our brains and thinking processes are not on our side.

Attention-span Struggles

Has your friend, spouse, or lover ever referenced a conversation between the two of you only for you to be completely confused? While they might be annoyed or hurt that you can’t remember having the conversation, this is a common occurrence for those of us with ADHD. Not only do we struggle with forgetfulness, but we often struggle to focus on a conversation because our brains move a mile a minute.

It’s hard for us to be in the moment because some moments feel flat, boring, and hard to focus on. When we have to sit still, pay attention, and focus for a long amount of time, we become restless and have to fight to stay “locked in.”

Hyperfocus

On the other hand, when we do “lock in” on a subject, activity, or idea, we can become hyper-focused. This hyperfocus happens when something takes our attention fully. This rarely happens, so when it does our brains can’t help but zero in and soak up all the information, sometimes for enormous chunks of time.

From the outside, this looks like obsessive behavior. When our loved ones are not on the same page as us with the object of our hyperfocus, they can feel neglected or overlooked. They might simply find our hyperfocus annoying or draining because they can’t understand the hype behind what we are enjoying.

Emotional Dysregulation

One of the most difficult aspects of ADHD is emotional dysregulation. Our brains struggle to produce mood-affecting hormones like dopamine, meaning that we might feel overwhelming emotions while being unable to balance ourselves. For example, we might become moody and aggressive without anything triggering those emotions.

Even though we know the mood is affecting our loved one, we don’t know what to do to stop it and shift to another mood. These unpredictable moods can make for awkwardness, tension, and hurt feelings in a relationship.

Poor Impulse Control

If you have ever stayed up far too late on a work night, spent too long bingeing a TV show, or spent so long on your phone that you completely lost track of time, you know exactly what it feels like to have poor impulse control.

Our ADHD brains are drawn to whatever will stimulate, excite, or challenge us. We cannot naturally switch to another task when one has captivated our interest. This will affect friendships and relationships in practical ways, with it seeming like we are being “lazy” or choosing mindless activities over spending time with our loved ones.

Rejection Sensitivity

Neurodiverse people have to face many different types of pressure daily. We have to fit into a series of cultural norms that don’t feel natural for us, all the while trying to understand why we are doing what we’re doing and trying, in vain, to change. Most of us mask our impulses effectively so that we can be functional in a workspace or social environment.

This is not only exhausting, but it can lead us to become sensitive to rejection. After all, we are trying hard to fit in! In the context of a relationship, we might desperately hope to fit in while all the time fearing that we will be “seen” and rejected.

Self-esteem Issues

With the sheer amount of pressure we face being neurodiverse in places that don’t understand us, it is little wonder that most of us have low self-esteem. Many of us feel as if we are too complicated or not “normal” enough to be understood, loved, or respected by anyone. This attitude will inevitably impact relationships and the way we approach intimacy. We might not even trust ourselves to become close to someone, especially if there is a chance of rejection.

It’s Not All Bad, Though

While we have a lot of struggles to deal with in relationships while having ADHD, things are not hopeless. We can start by learning about how our brain works so that we can help our loved ones understand us. We can also learn about the positive things we bring to a relationship. Some of us have only ever seen how we are a problem and how we mess things up when it comes to intimacy. Consider now how you positively impact a relationship because you have ADHD.

Empathy

Most of us have had to face a lifetime of trying to fit in and deal with ADHD. This means that we can empathize with others who similarly struggle and offer them a shoulder to cry on (if we can sit still for long enough). When you have navigated a struggle and personally experienced the frustration and pain of it, you can offer genuine empathy to someone.

A Sense of Humor

If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’ll only cry, as the saying goes. Most of us have developed coping mechanisms for dealing with ADHD. Chief among those coping mechanisms is often a great sense of humor. It cannot be overstated how attractive a quality it is to be able to laugh at ourselves and make others laugh. It also shows humility and openness – two qualities that greatly enhance any relationship.

Spontaneity and Fun

People with ADHD are like a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get. Our brains often tend to jump around from subject to subject. Our interests often pinball wildly all over the map. For people who crave stability and calm, this might not be a positive thing, but for others, we are often a delight to be around.

Curiosity and Adventure

Keeping in line with the last point, you could never accuse someone with ADHD of being boring. Most of us love learning about new things and a lot of us are drawn to risky or challenging pursuits. Many of us love being outdoors, burning energy in fun and exciting ways. We may find it easier to connect with someone while we are doing physical activity, too.

Passionate and Knowledgeable

It’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to have a broad knowledge of a variety of topics, or a deep, passionate knowledge in one area. We can make for fascinating conversationalists when we get talking about our areas of interest. The combination of passion and knowledge can be truly attractive and engaging.

Next Steps

It can be overwhelming to navigate relationships while coping with the struggles associated with ADHD and other neurodiversity. If you would like to meet with a counselor and find long-term support regarding ADHD and intimacy, please contact our office today. We can help connect you with a suitable counselor to walk with you on the path to flourishing mental and relational health.