Are You in a Codependent Relationship?

The term “codependency” has become a popular buzzword in psychology, and was originally coined to describe a person married to an addict, who was somehow dependent on the addict continuing in their excessive drinking or substance abuse.

It is, however, a much more widespread human problem that has existed since the fall, when sin came into the world and people first began to look to others instead of God to meet their needs for love and feelings of significance and self-worth. And so began the codependent relationship.

While God’s common grace has blessed some people with healthy relationships, usually as a result of having perceived and experienced a functional family of origin, this is far from the norm. Even Christians who grew up in godly homes have erred in their interpretation of parental love or witnessed dysfunctional patterns in their parents’ relationship – who were merely modeling their own imperfect family example due to inherent sin.

It requires a lot of self-reflection and emotional work to process our backgrounds, and recent years have seen a renewed emphasis on the intergenerational impact of sinful relational patterns. The guidance of one’s pastor or a trained Christian counselor can help to break patterns of sin so that future generations will be less hindered by the emotional chains of their past.

Types of codependent relationships.

The codependent relationship is a good place to start since it occurs in multiple forms. These could include:

The damsel in distress.

This is the most recognizable codependent relationship. Acting out of insecurity, this person is driven by a hunger for love. They lack boundaries and can end up in abusive relationships, seeing themselves as victims, unable to meet their own needs. They want others to carry their load of responsibility and need partners or friends who constantly “rescue” them.

While it is normal to rely on spouses, friends, and community members in times of need, the “codependent dependent” is trapped in a deeply ingrained pattern of expecting others to do for them what they are capable of and should be doing themselves.

The knight in “ego-protective” armor.

This “codependent independent” can be the most difficult for a person to recognize themselves as. While also experiencing inner pain and feelings of inadequacy, they seek out codependent relationships in which they can be the rescuer, solving the other person’s problems and gaining a sense of worth out of their noble actions.

They can also seek out worldly success to placate their insecurities and often become workaholics due to the constant drive for performance. While we are called to help others and display sacrificial love and service, the codependent relationship does not have obedience and love for God at its root.

The fear-controlled codependent.

Another type of codependent pattern is “codependent avoidance” where an individual tries to avoid fear by also avoiding responsibility and relationships. At the most extreme end of the scale are homeless people, the chronically unemployed, or ingrained welfare recipients.

They have experienced ongoing hurt and failure to such an extent that the fear of responsibility or being in a relationship drives them to a complete state of immobilization. They are therefore dependent on someone else and will seek out a codependent relationship where the other person will do what they are too afraid of doing for themselves.

Help for the codependent relationship.

If you recognize yourself as being part of a codependent relationship that has reached a point where you are experiencing distress or anguish, and realize that the unhealthy pattern needs to be broken. Working through the various facets of the relationship with a Christian counselor is strongly advised. These tips can be helpful in re-orientating our behavior:

Break out of the victim mindset.

If you feel like life has dealt you a difficult hand and that your circumstances do not allow you to enjoy life, it is likely that are living life through the lens of a victim mindset. Just acknowledging this is the first step in breaking what can be a deeply entrenched self-perception.

Many of us feel like we are irreparably damaged, either through traumatic experiences, or simply because of our sin, we recognize that we are unworthy of God’s gracious love. Spend time meditating on God’s Word, where he assures us that despite our sin, He loved us so much that He sent His one and only son to die for us (John 3:16).

Find your inner compass.

If you have always relied on a codependent relationship to navigate life, chances are you don’t have a strong sense of identity. Go on the process of discovering who you are – what do you enjoy in life? What don’t you enjoy? What do you feel about certain things?

People who are codependent have often been taught at an early age to distrust their feelings. Working through this means getting to a point where you believe the truth that God made you and finds you utterly delightful – He longs to be in a close relationship with you and knows you more intimately than anyone ever will.

Focus on your boundaries.

Physical boundaries are easy to understand; if a property has a fence around it, it clearly sets apart what belongs to the owner, as opposed to everything else around it. In overcoming the tendency to gravitate toward a codependent relationship, it’s important to analyze which emotional boundaries have the potential to be trampled on.

In any such relationship, there is a “taker” and an “enabler,” and both have the responsibility to set healthy boundaries as to where this give and take begins and ends.

Healthy boundaries in no way mean closing the door on being kind and caring, but if you have allowed others to take advantage of loose boundaries in the past, or if you have unknowingly overstepped emotional boundary lines, it can be hard to redraw them.

It may feel harsh at first, and you may well experience some push-back from the other person in the relationship, but if you are consistent, they will accept the new boundaries and the result will be an overall more positive experience.

Communicate honestly.

Healthy, honest communication is foreign to many people operating in a codependent relationship. It is unlikely to have been taught or practiced in the family of origin, where manipulation and other less-than-honorable communication techniques were the norm.

People-pleasing, sulking, and angry outbursts are not part of honest communication, and it is quite a mindset shift to focus on only speaking in a direct, honest way to express one’s feelings and needs.

If you start to express yourself honestly over small matters, you will be able to practice the technique, which can otherwise seem overwhelming. Gradually, you will gain confidence, and be able to communicate in a self-assured way, realizing that being honest is different from being rude.

As Christians, we are free in Christ. As Galatians 5:1 puts it: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” It would seem ludicrous that we would want to enslave ourselves again after having been released.

And yet, the emotional chains that we’ve grown up with affect us deeply, and in some way have been “built into our DNA.” With God’s help, we have hope that we can truly be freed from a codependent relationship, together with the emotional complexities that go with it. It is valuable to walk this road together with a trained biblical counselor, who will be able to guide you and hold you accountable along the way.