Breaking the ADHD Shame Cycle

However long you have been dealing with ADHD, chances are you have had to deal with shame surrounding the disorder. On one hand, it is little wonder that you have felt self-conscious about coping with ADHD, because for decades, there has been a stigma attached to neurodiversity.

Even though ADHD has been in the cultural spotlight recently, and more information exists on the topic than ever before, many with ADHD still carry shame from past experiences. It is only when you confront the feelings of shame and failure that you can begin to break the cycle that has likely been paralyzing you or holding you back from your full potential.

Where It All Starts

Did you ever feel like the problem child when you were a kid? Did it feel like you were constantly getting into trouble, or being scolded by frustrated parents and teachers for being late, for being distracted, or for being overly dramatic? If so, you are among a large number of those with ADHD who were made to feel ashamed of habits or behaviors they couldn’t help.

The fact is that people with ADHD might look different, think differently, or behave differently from neurotypical children. Many people feel that it is their fault they can’t fit into the proverbial box provided for them by their parents or the education system. Worse still, many people are made to feel like it is their problem that they can’t fit in.

Experiences we have in our formative years often stick with us throughout our lives. Just like a pebble on the riverbed is shaped by the constant flow of water against it, so are people shaped by the repeated experiences they have in life.

If you were constantly told that your behavior was a problem or treated as if you were a burden, you will grow up having been shaped by a significant amount of shame. Your parents, teachers, and peers might not have bullied or victimized you, but even subtle rejection or impatience is damaging.

The issue is not that ADHD causes inattention, forgetfulness, hyperactivity, or emotional dysregulation. The core of the issue stems from teachers, parents, and peers who are not equipped to deal with neurodiverse children exhibiting these traits. Many resort to criticism, threats, and bullying to curb or control children with ADHD.

While these actions might lead to some character reform, most children carry these memories as scars on their psyche. In a recent study, 90% of 162 adults with ADHD said that they had faced criticism and cruelty at some point in their lives, related to their ADHD behaviors.

Self-Criticism

Sadly, sometimes we are our own worst critics. There is a pattern that goes something like this: you are told throughout childhood that you are lazy, you are intelligent, but you don’t apply yourself, you’re careless with your belongings, and things of this nature, and you believe it. As a child, what did you know about the world? You believe what you are told, and the way people treat you reinforces these truths.

When you grow up, you have a subconscious narrative about yourself, reminding you always that you’re a lazy, easily distracted, forgetful, careless person. Each time you do something typical of one with ADHD, like forget something important, fail to do your laundry, miss an important deadline, or zone out in a meeting, these beliefs are reinforced.

You feel embarrassed and ashamed, but possibly also frustrated. Try as you might, you can’t seem to change, and trying to do so simply makes you feel like more of a failure.

When you are eventually diagnosed with ADHD and begin learning about it, you might feel vindicated about your tendencies. You might also struggle to shrug off the shame you have been carrying for so long.

Intellectually, you understand why you behave the way you do. You have a neurodevelopmental disorder that causes imbalances and specific behaviors. However, emotionally, you might still feel like you are disappointing or frustrating those around you, and having rejection sensitivity doesn’t help.

The Cycle

Such is the shame cycle of ADHD. You feel like a careless person, but you’re trying to do better. You remember to do important tasks for work, you are on time, and you have developed a healthy sleep schedule. You’re feeling great, even though it took a lot of work to get here. Your emotions are regulated, you’re meeting your deadlines, and you’re flourishing in your relationships.

Then you have one bad day, and it all comes crashing down.

You stayed up too late because your system was flooded with dopamine, and ended up only getting a few hours of sleep. You missed your alarm, burnt your breakfast, and got in late to work.

Suddenly, it feels like all the progress you made is lost, and all of the secret feelings you had about yourself are confirmed; you feel like an unreliable mess. It stings all the more as you realize that everyone else manages things so easily, while for you, even the simplest of adult tasks feels hard.

What makes shame cyclical is that shame often affects failure, and failure enhances or deepens shame. You gave it your best shot, and for a while, you were on top of it, but then you slipped. Everyone slips at times, but because you were told from childhood that you were a failure, you stayed down. You feel as if you were destined to fail, and despite expecting it, you’re still ashamed of it.

Eventually, it feels safer for your self-esteem if you don’t try anything new, because if you don’t try, you can’t fail. This is not a recipe for success, though. Doing this simply perpetuates the shame cycle and keeps you from ever feeling normal, successful, or worthy.

Breaking The Cycle

The only thing that defeats shame is compassion and understanding. You can’t expect people to understand neurodiversity or what it is like to live with ADHD. If you’re honest with yourself, you might not understand a lot about yourself either. A person cannot give something that they do not have, and so compassion must always begin with self-compassion.

What is happening when you forget important things, feel shut down and paralyzed, and experience unpredictable emotions? Emotional dysregulation, distractibility, rejection sensitivity, dopamine imbalance, and executive dysfunction are symptoms of a disorder that you cannot control. The more you learn about these things, the more patience and understanding you will have for yourself.

There is no cure for ADHD, but just as there are habits and medications that can make ADHD more manageable, so will it help you to be more patient with yourself. Though you might fail at a certain task because of something related to ADHD, you don’t have to feel ashamed about it or refrain from trying again.

Try to catch the things you say about yourself. You may or may not speak out loud to yourself, or call yourself names in your head, but try to notice each time you do. If it is negative self-speak, name it that. Say to yourself, “This is bullying,” or “This is self-criticism.” Naming it will stop you from normalizing it.

Then, try to challenge it. You could say to yourself, “Just because I failed once does not mean I’m a failure,” or “Struggling is not failing.” It might feel awkward to do, but don’t let those thoughts and feelings exist without challenging them.

Lastly, try to replace the thought with a thought from a different perspective. Think of what you would say to encourage a friend who was in the same position. You wouldn’t call them a failure, or say that they should try harder, so what else would you say?

You might not be able to heal ADHD, but you can heal from the effects of shame surrounding ADHD. The more you learn about the disorder, the more patience you will have for yourself. Shame will only be broken when you begin showing yourself compassion.

Find Support to Overcome ADHD Shame

It’s always easier to heal and grow when we walk alongside someone else. If you would like to incorporate counseling as part of your healing, we can help. Contact us to meet with a counselor when you are ready.