Bring Life to Your Marriage: A Christian Counseling Approach

Evaluating the Fruit of the Spirit and Marriage

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, ESV

The Cry for Change

Today, married couples are desperately searching for information on how to have a relationship that is healthy. They read books, turn to counseling, and speak to their pastors in an attempt to finally move beyond the negative cycles and frustrations between them. For some couples, these negative cycles (consisting of angry debates, defensiveness, and emotional distancing) may have been in place for months or years. Either way, the need for revitalization is urgent, and the cry for change is real.

Where are the Tools?

One of the most frequent requests married couples make in counseling is for practical tools they can use to remedy their relational woes.  I take these requests seriously because they show me a couple is eager to learn how to do things differently in their marriage. However, there is more to be said about these requests.

Although helpful, relational strategies will never be sufficient in and of themselves to strengthen a marriage, for they only provide a framework for how a couple can shift their interactions. This is why so many couples who seek to apply them often find themselves right back in their negative cycle of interaction. There is a reason for this.

Gaining Clarity

Tips and strategies are at best supplemental. Their effectiveness depends on the intent and motivations of the heart.  It is your heart therefore that must be addressed and transformed before you can enjoy a thriving, vitalized, and emotionally connected marriage.

One of the most pressing questions you can ask yourself in creating relational change is…

What is my heart towards my spouse?

Asking this question immediately brings you face to face with the reality of your own attitudes, actions, and motivations. It further forces you to evaluate whether you have honored God and your spouse by living out the principles of his Word in your marriage.

If we as Christians cannot live out our faith in our marriages, then our faith is a show at best. And yet, how can one tell if they have made their faith in God a vital part of their marriage? It will be evident, without question, because a transformed heart is unmistakable.

A Transformed Heart

From a Christian standpoint, a transformed heart is one that has been utterly changed by the love, grace, mercy, and the Spirit of God (Ephesians 2:1-10). It is one that has wholly acknowledged Christ as Lord, that has accepted his sacrifice on the cross, and as a result has come into fellowship with God the Father (Romans 10:9, 10). It is one that recognizes that the old destructive ways of the past are cast aside, and is now set on living by a deep faith in God and love for humanity (2 Corinthians 5:15-17).

In marriage, it is a heart that is set on treating and loving one’s spouse with the same love, kindness, and mercy that was bestowed upon itself by God. It is faithful, unselfish, willing to sacrifice and put aside oneself in order to listen, understand, empathize, love, and cherish one’s spouse (Ephesians 5:2).

Furthermore, a transformed heart is set on living by the Fruit of the Spirit. This point is fundamental to change and revitalization in your marriage. If you and your spouse are tired of the same negative cycles in your relationship, then this is truly something you want to consider.

The Fruit of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22 lists the Fruit of the Spirit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Now, consider what your marriage would be like if you and your spouse lived by these virtues day by day, and allowed them to permeate your interactions. It only takes a moment to realize that your marriage would immediately begin to experience a connection that could never be possible if these elements were missing.

Please understand, we are not dealing with some lofty ideals for marriage, but rather the fundamental, God-ordained elements of a strong and healthy relationship. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I cannot overstate how so many marriages would change for the better if spouses would simply live by these fruits.

• Love:  a deliberate choice to love your spouse each and every day with the unconditional love that God has given to you; a willingness to listen to, understand, and cherish your spouse in every interaction; an unselfish heart that seeks the good of the other.
• Peace / Joy:  making joy a priority in your heart in order to allow peace to reign in your home, and making peace the basis for reconciliation and repair when disagreements arise.
• Patience: choosing to be patient and calm yourself down when you become frustrated with your spouse.
• Kindness / Gentleness: approaching your spouse with kindness and gentleness when you need to address any present frustrations or concerns.
• Goodness / Self Control: having a heart that seeks what is good and is right standing with God; deciding to control your words and actions; monitoring how you respond to your spouse, and not allowing former negative cycles of interaction to ensue.
• Faithfulness: honoring your spouse by remaining wholly dedicated and committed to building a life with them, and purging from your heart thoughts of romantic connections with another.

Conclusion

You and God alone know the condition of your heart. If you say that you desire a better marriage, but never examine and seek to change your motivations and the way you treat your spouse, nothing will happen. But, if you desire marital revitalization, you will allow the Lord to do a transforming work in your heart, and further, choose to make living by the Fruit of the Spirit a priority in your marriage. If you and your spouse would like help in achieving marital revitalization and transformation, contact a Christian Counselor for a risk-free appointment.

Photo
Simon Daniel Photography, Creative Commons License