Children of Divorce: Short-Term and Long-Term Effects of Divorce and How to Support Your Kids

We all thrive better when we find ourselves in a grounded and stable environment, whether that’s at home, the workplace, or in important personal relationships. When our relational ecosystem is disturbed, it affects us in different ways, and what applies to adults applies just as much to children. One way a child’s ecosystem is disrupted is if his or her parents separate or decide to get a divorce.

While the divorce rate for couples with children is lower than for those without children (as much as 40% lower), around 50% of all children in the United States will experience the end of a parent’s marriage. This means that many children will go through the myriad effects of divorce, and they will need support during the process of the divorce and beyond.

The Value of Stability for Flourishing

Change is never easy, whether you’re a child or an adult. There are many benefits to feeling safe and stable. Some of these benefits include emotional security, that sense of feeling supported and safe, which leads to reduced stress and anxiety. Having the space to develop strong connections with others creates and solidifies your sense of belonging.

Stability also provides the platform and environment to nurture emotional resilience so you can bounce back from adversity much better. Having a support structure allows you to cope better with challenges and stress. That support can also help a person to develop a more positive self-image and confidence, which in turn can translate to success in areas of life such as academics or career.

Lastly, having a grounded and stable environment can also create a space in which you can more easily discover your values, passions, and life direction, which all contribute to a clearer sense of purpose and meaning in life. Your environment, while not being definitive, can provide a strong foundation for personal growth, well-being, and success. It allows you to feel secure, develop healthy habits, and cultivate strong relationships.

Effects on Children of Divorce

One of the realities of divorce is that it is often unsettling for everyone involved. Divorce is a kind of loss, one that it’s appropriate to grieve over. The adults in the room are affected by it, and the children of divorce are similarly affected by their parents splitting up. The research on how children are affected by their parents getting divorced has evolved over the years, and shows that there are short- and long-term effects to look out for.

Some of the short-term effects of divorce on children include realities such as emotional distress, anxiety, and depression, which are common in the first year or two after the divorce. Some children may experience developmental regression, which manifests in behaviors such as bedwetting or sucking their thumbs. Other children experience feelings of anger, or they are more inclined toward withdrawal from others.

It is important to note that a child’s adjustment difficulties will often vary by age, with younger children who are under 6 years of age being more likely to feel insecure, anxious, or experience separation anxiety. Older children aged 7-12 may experience feelings of anger, guilt, or they may feel somehow responsible for the divorce. Teenagers may experience emotional turmoil, withdrawal, or act rebelliously.

Some of the long-term effects of divorce on a child include the fact that children may be able to adapt to their circumstances and go on to lead healthy lives. Some children, however, may experience ongoing challenges such as behavioral problems, challenges in their academic or professional life, emotional and mental health challenges such as depression or anxiety, and relationship issues such as struggling with trust or intimacy.

Factors Influencing Adjustment Post-Divorce

Some children can weather the storm of divorce and go on to lead healthy lives, while others may struggle and flounder. Several factors can influence the outcome of that adjustment period, and these factors include the following:

Relationships The quality of parenting and family relationships after the divorce makes a difference. How the two parents carry out co-parenting makes a difference as well, such as the degree of conflict present in their relationship.

The children’s ages and individual personalities Each child will have their own unique challenges and resources at hand to cope with the process of divorce. Some children develop resilience and nurture coping skills to help them navigate complex family dynamics. They may become more independent and self-reliant.

Finances The family’s economic situation and living arrangements. Divorce can be an expensive process, and divorce can diminish family income. Changes in a family’s situation, such as economic stability, can affect whether a move is necessary, and if their lifestyle will change drastically.

Support The presence of supportive extended family or social networks can make a huge difference in how the family adjusts to their new reality.

Every family’s situation is unique, and the individual experiences of each child will vary widely. Having supportive and loving relationships surrounding the children will help to promote their well-being.

Supporting a Child Through Divorce and Beyond

Divorce has significant detrimental effects on children. Some couples choose to stay together for the children’s sake, but there is also a cost to the children in mom and dad staying in a toxic marriage. Ideally, one would want the marriage to be healthy so that the children have a nurturing and safe environment to grow up in, and role models in their parents. Marriage and family counseling can help couples to work through their issues, often quite successfully.

In the imperfect situation of a marriage with deeply challenging circumstances, a divorce may be the best option between two unsavory choices. God intended marriage to be a permanent union that represents His relationship with His people (Matthew 19:1-12, Genesis 1-2, Ephesians 5:31-32), but there are situations in which divorce is permitted in Scripture, including for adultery, orif an unbelieving spouse chooses to leave (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).

Supporting your child through divorce and beyond requires empathy, consistency, and effective co-parenting. Some tips to keep in mind on this journey that will help you provide meaningful support to your child include maintaining open communication, where you listen to your child’s feelings and concerns, and making sure to validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with them.

You can also help your child by providing them with consistent routines, rules, traditions, and expectations to give a sense of stability. Additionally, it’s important to try to co-parent effectively by collaborating with your ex-partner on parenting decisions and avoiding using the children as pawns or proxies in your conflicts. Respecting your co-parent in front of your children can go a long way.

Other ways to help children of divorce include:

Offering reassurance and love by letting your child know they’re loved and they’re not responsible for the divorce. Hold them and reassure them of your presence and support in the way they best receive that love.

Help to foster a positive relationship with both parents Your child needs both parents, and you can and should encourage a healthy bond with each parent. Take steps such as avoiding criticizing or badmouthing the other parent. You can celebrate or attend important events with your ex, showing that you can come together for your child’s sake.

Exercise patience Just as you need time to adjust to all the changes the divorce brings, your child, who is less emotionally and mentally mature than you, also needs time. Be patient and understanding toward your child and their emotional ups and downs, recognizing that adjustment takes time, and it won’t be a straightforward process.

Self-care matters Make sure to take care of yourself. Take steps to manage your own stress and emotions through regular exercise, healthy eating, and good sleep, for example. By doing this, you also model healthy coping mechanisms for your child.

Seek help when needed Divorce raises many complex issues, and you may not have the capacity or skill to cope with your own struggles and be fully present for your child. Consider family counseling or therapy, as well as individual counseling for yourself. Additionally, your child might also need to talk with a counselor with training in helping kids process situations as emotionally taxing as divorce.

Next Steps to Support Children of Divorce

Divorce can be challenging for children. For many children of divorce, having difficulties adjusting to the divorce is common. With support from a counselor, for instance, your child can learn effective coping tools to help them thrive after divorce.

To learn more about family and individual counseling for your children post-divorce, contact our office today at Oak Harbor Christian Counseling in Washington.