Four Steps to Improve Communication in Your Marriage with Christian Counseling

Working with premarital couples is a fun and exhilarating process. I love joining couples as they prepare for the big day and a major milestone in their life. But what about after the wedding? Once you’re back from the honeymoon, have opened all the gifts, and settled back into a new routine … then what? If you are like most couples, the real work occurs in the happily ever after. A few years in and a few kids later you can find yourself realizing that you and your spouse are not communicating as efficiently as you were before. Maybe you end up hurting each other’s feelings and leave conversations feeling upset and not heard. It may even feel as though you have turned into roommates instead of partners. Well, if that describes your relationship at all, I have good news: You are not alone. Many couples go through phases of dissatisfaction and miscommunication. This does not have to be a sign that it is time to give up, but it is rather a sign indicating that it is time to lean in and figure out how to find your spouse again.

There are many ways to approach rebuilding communication within a marriage, but I have found that there are four common steps in the work I do with couples. These steps include understanding your family of origin (FOO), clarifying your messages, verbalizing your needs and insecurities, and developing a new language. These steps may sound simple enough, but having the support of a counselor will allow you to slow down, make intentional time, and be accountable. I love seeing a spouse’s face after I ask a question they have never heard their husband or wife answer before. After three, five, or twenty years of marriage we tend to assume things about our partners. Working with a third party brings a whole new dimension to understanding and growth. Once a couple have committed to the process, I always begin with their family background.

Step 1 – Your Family of Origin Shapes Your Expectations

Your family of origin (FOO) plays an important role in the patterns and expectations you bring to a marriage. Understanding why you have certain needs and expectations in your marriage will bring personal insight and enable you to understand your spouse. Within the first few sessions I draw a family map with couples so that we can visualize together the patterns passed down through generations. It may be hard for a wife to understand why her husband is hesitant about kids. But when she discovers that her in-laws’ marriage fell apart once children arrived, she can realize how this has left her husband fearful of what will happen to their marriage if they get pregnant. Although many of our fears and beliefs remain unspoken, they influence our everyday interactions and communication.

Step 2 – Understanding Your Spouse’s Messages

After gaining a firm understanding of the two FOOs that come into play in the marriage, we move on to Step 2, which involves understanding what messages are being sent. Everyone has a lens through which they see the world. This lens helps us to understand the meaning behind behaviors and interactions. For example, if I come home from a busy and draining day and my husband says, “Wow, look at all the dog hair on the floor,” I may hear: “You are a lazy homemaker and I am disappointed in you.” My husband, on the other hand, may have only meant to point out how much hair our dog sheds. Wow! What a difference in messages. So often I need to help clients slow down and understand how they are sending and perceiving messages. If we can clarify what we hear before getting defensive or hurt, we can avoid hours of arguments and misunderstanding.

Step 3 – Becoming Aware of Your Own Needs and Insecurities

Step 3 is to understand your own needs and insecurities. Often the lens through which we receive messages is tainted by our own issues of low self-esteem and unmet needs. When working with couples, I use curiosity and empathy to uncover areas where they feel neglected and alone, thus creating space for their spouse to respond and attend. For example, a wife may see that her husband is struggling with depression and so she points out her observations, including his brokenness and weakness. Her husband may be fully aware of his struggles, but he simply wants his wife’s support and respect as he navigates a challenging season. This is where God’s gift of grace comes into play and we are able to support our partners and understand their tender spots.

Step 4 – Create a New Language

Finally, after increasing understanding of why and how couples have been communicating, as well as clarifying their unmet needs, we prepare them for life beyond counseling by creating a new language. This language may include naming the pattern in their arguments and deciding how to point out unhealthy cycles while remaining a team. Some couples find it helpful to find a witty name such as “The Stampede” or “The Wrestling Match.” Couples will also walk away with basic skills on how to clarify the meaning in messages and do a self-check before reacting. Walking through topics that commonly cause conflict can also be a helpful preparation for life after counseling.

Christian Counseling Can Strengthen the Communication in Your Marriage

Your marriage doesn’t need to be in shambles to benefit from Christian counseling. Every couple can benefit from occasional support and an intentional time to “tune-up” communication and pick up a few new ideas and perspectives. Marriage is an amazing gift from God that should never be taken for granted. It should be tended to and cherished before and after the wedding.

Photos
“Drops of Rain on a Window Pane,” courtesy of Toa55, Image ID 10029064, FreeDigitalPhotos.net; “Lighthouse in Cascais, Portugal,” courtesy of artur84, Image ID 100150453, FreeDitigalPhotos.net